Challenges in Sobriety: Emotional Relapse (Restless, Irritable, Discontent) – From the Vault
Series Note: This episode is the fifth release in a special series of replays from the Sober.Coffee vault, featuring Mike and Glenn while they take a sabbatical.
Sober.Coffee Podcast (Episode B31)
Hosts: Mike & Glenn
Episode Overview
Mike and Glenn settle into the coffee shop to explore the subtle warning signs that precede a physical slip: emotional relapse. Drawing from recovery literature and personal experience, they unpack the famous phrase from the Doctor’s Opinion in the Big Book—describing alcoholics as “restless, irritable, and discontented” until they seek relief. The hosts discuss how to recognize when you are running “off,” why internal emotions cannot always be trusted, and how objective tools and accountability keep you grounded before a relapse takes physical form.
The 3 Stages of Relapse & The “First Five Minutes”
- The Progression: Relapse is not an instantaneous event; it develops across three distinct phases: Emotional, Mental, and Physical.
- The Emotional Trap: Long before someone plans a drink (mental) or takes a sip (physical), they experience emotional dis-ease—feeling disconnected, restless, irritable, or discontent.
- Chasing Lightning: Glenn shares the realization behind his last relapse nearly eight years prior, where he meticulously planned a slip for weeks to chase the elusive “first five minutes” of ease and comfort. Instead of relief, 15 minutes in he found himself sick over a toilet, reinforcing that the desired feeling of active addiction can never be recaptured.
Subjective Feelings vs. Objective Truth
- You Can’t Read the Label from Inside the Jar: Mike notes an exercise he tried: looking up antonyms for restlessness (such as calm, quiet, unworried, composed) to gauge his state. Glenn counters that internal emotions are inherently subjective and often distorted in an alcoholic brain.
- Using Objective Metrics: Just as a diabetic checks blood sugar or a scale measures weight, recovery requires objective anchors. Glenn uses sleep and stress tracking tools, but most importantly, relies on outside perspectives to challenge his distorted feelings.
- Accountability Partners: Because individuals are blind to their own subtle shifts back into old patterns, trusted advisors are non-negotiable. Glenn shares a recent example where defensive feelings over money spent on his daughters were corrected when his therapist bluntly pointed out he was falling back into old habits—trying to fill an emotional “hole in the soul” with spending.
Key Recovery Tools: From “Faking It” to “Acting As If”
- “Act As If”: While the phrase “fake it ’til you make it” can clash with the recovery pillar of rigorous honesty, the hosts reframe it as acting as if.
- Action Precedes the Feeling: Even when you don’t feel like attending a meeting, being patient, or showing up for others, taking the right action anyway allows emotional alignment to follow. Glenn highlights their Monday night men’s group: despite never wanting to go at 6:30 PM, acting as if and walking through the door leads to 100% gratitude and fulfillment by 7:05 PM.
- Early Detection: When restlessness, irritability, or discontent pop up, treat them as vital dashboard warning lights. Reach out to your sponsor, check in with an accountability partner, and take the next right step before the mental obsession takes hold.
Resources & Contact
- Book Mentioned: A Program for You: A Guide to the Big Book’s Design for Living
- Website: sober.coffee
- Instagram: @sober.coffeepodcast
- AA Hotline: 1-800-839-1686
- Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
You can listen to the full episode discussion on YouTube via Challenges in Sobriety: Emotional Relapse. This recording directly covers Mike and Glenn’s conversation on identifying emotional relapse and breaking the cycle of restlessness, irritability, and discontent.