Month: March 2026

Welcome And Guest Introduction

SPEAKER_02

0:10

Welcome to Patty's Place, a place where we will talk about grief, dementia, and caregiving. I named the podcast Patty in honor of my mom who died from dementia about two years ago. So uh I'd like to have this community so people know that they're not alone and they can go through these things and there's resources available. So grab your cup of tea, your cup of coffee, or if it's you've had a really bad day, a glass of wine, and we will get talking today. So today our guest is Jane Dye. She is an RN, a certified holistic health coach. Uh you're also a mastery level uh transformational coach as well in intuitive intelligence, a methods coach, and many other things. She also has a website as well. So, Jane, welcome to Patty's Place.

SPEAKER_01

0:56

Thank you, Lisa. I'm so glad to be here. I think it's important, especially for your listeners to know I'm also a certified grief educator. Um that came after doing all this transition. I started my professional life as working in adult inpatient psychiatry and then transitioned to outpatient work as a director of nursing and medical training for a national health care company. And then I became that independent health coach practitioner that you mentioned. Um, but it was because I experienced the loss of many family and friends from early adulthood on. But it wasn't until experiencing the death of my middle son, Christopher, three years ago, um, that I saw how little people understood and really responded well to grief. And so, as you know, we live in a grief illiterate world where we avoid talking about and taking care of people experiencing loss. So that's why I chose to expand my practice to become a certified grief educator. Uh I'm able to provide the highest level of grief support through education and experience and insights into what I'm sure you know is the often unacknowledged rocky terrain of grief. Um I am thrilled that I completed a certificate program designed by world-renowned grief expert David Kessler, um, where I bring his unique methodology, tools, um, and decades of experience to help people navigate the challenges of grief. So this has allowed me to turn my passion into purpose, helping those in grief find meaning after loss, and certainly as Christopher's legacy, just like Patty's places to your mom. And I love that.

SPEAKER_02

2:39

Yeah, well, my mom was uh not only was she a caregiver, she was also somebody who loved to entertain and everything. So she would, you know, people just came to her. So I was like, it's like she's you're coming into her house again.

SPEAKER_01

2:50

That's I just love that. That's wonderful.

Grief Literacy And Why Support Matters

SPEAKER_02

2:52

Uh so you explain a little bit how you got where you are today in that. So, what do you think is the importance of having guidance and support for life challenges, especially through grief?

SPEAKER_01

3:02

Well, that's I believe because grief can be traumatic and transformative. Um, loss changes everything about you and your life, your daily routine, your perspective, your future, along with your connections, right? To yourself, to others, and to the world. And our worst moments can be seeds for some of our best, um, as they do have an amazing power to transform us. So when we challenge the situation that is hopeless, usually with support and guidance, um we are challenged to change ourselves. And when we do that, we can turn the tragedy into an occasion for growth. That being said, um the growth will never seem worth it in many ways. Um, but it certainly can help you carry on um with meaning. Um I know for sure there is no need also to compare our losses when we recognize that in every case, your loss is the worst loss for you.

SPEAKER_02

4:05

Definitely. And I do think that sometimes we fall into that, we compare or or people compare us and they say, Oh, well, you should be over it, or I got I did this or that. And and sometimes you're just not ready. It it may be as simple as cleaning out somebody's clothes, you know. For some people, they have to do it right away, and other people, you know, it takes them a while, and they got through a box today, and they should be able to celebrate that that's what they did.

Grief Versus Mourning No Timeline

SPEAKER_01

4:32

Right. So I think it's important to note, and you may have discussed this with your listening audience already, but grief is what's going on inside, and mourning is what we do on the outside. Okay. So the internal work of grief is a process, many people call it a journey, and it doesn't have prescribed dimensions. It doesn't end on a certain date, as you mentioned. So when people are mourning, we can't judge their grief based on whether they're crying or they're angry or they're upset the most. I mean, some can never see your grief or judge your grief by what emotions you show or you don't show. So only you, as the griever, only know your grief. But the connection and attachment we feel for each other to those we love, to our friends, family, our coworkers, even to the home we live in, the job we engage in, it'll be reflected by the pain we feel later when we no longer have our loved one, the relationship or our home or the job. So we grieve for who and what we love, and even for who and what we hate, but we don't grieve for those we are indifferent to. So grief essentially is the evidence of your love and caring. Um that certainly is is is proved um in the tears that you shed.

Showing Up Without Assumptions

SPEAKER_02

5:53

Oh, definitely. When you said um, you know, everybody shows it differently, it made me think of um the day of my mom's service, well, a couple days before my mom's service, uh, my dad never once asked me how I was getting to the service. He just hit now his his brother came into town and you know, his brother was like, Oh no, you're not driving yourself, you know, you know, telling my dad that. But neither one of them ever asked me how I was getting there. You know, um, my mom's friends, you know, her really her best friends and stuff and her sister, they were like, How are you getting there? And then and they're like, No, you're not going by yourself, and they went with me. And just a few months ago, my dad was like, Well, you seemed okay. I knew you weren't, but you seemed okay. And I wanted to be like, Well, that's not even the point. Like, you could have asked me, like, how I was, you know.

SPEAKER_01

6:45

But Yeah, you brought up a great point. I mean, I think the thing in any relationship, but particularly in grief, is not not to assume anything. Um, and that a simple invitation um makes a huge difference in kind of seeing where people are at. Um, I don't think it's necessarily helpful to say, like, oh, you know, how are you? Right. Uh sometimes that's just a hello. But if you do say to somebody like, how are you doing today in your grief? Or, you know, is there anything um uh that I should know today that would be helpful to you? Um there are lots of ways to communicate that even when people are awkward and and you know, you look like you're fine, but you know, for all you know, it you're just barely hanging on.

SPEAKER_02

7:38

Exactly. I always would I sometimes I still say it, I'm like, just because I'm dressed doesn't and shower doesn't mean I'm okay. You know, like today I was able to do it, you know.

SPEAKER_01

7:48

With it and I think it's really important to note. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt.

SPEAKER_02

7:52

Oh, no, no, you're fine.

What To Say And Avoid

SPEAKER_01

7:53

Go ahead. Um, that we know that there's no timeline in grief and there's not a cure for grief because people in grief are not broken and we don't need to fix them. Uh there's like no no right or wrong way to grieve. However, we can explore patterns and interventions that help us through the dark days. And something that I learned from David Kessler that I feel is important to share with you and your audience, is that our grief will not get smaller over time. We need to get bigger. Um, and I think that happens through connections. You need to feel to heal. And you know, so many times in grief, um we don't have the normal or natural infrastructure surrounding us in the way um people did in generations before. You know, people live very far away from each other, uh, they may not have um really supportive relationships, but grief is a side effect of having connections, attachments, and relationships, right? So we often think we want to escape grief, but it seems what we really want to escape is the pain of loss. Yeah. And sometimes that that makes it hard for people to relate, you know. Uh it sounds like that might have been what you experience.

SPEAKER_02

9:20

Yeah, I mean, I I also know my dad. So, you know, I wasn't I on one hand, I wasn't surprised, but on the other hand, I was like, hello, you know, but yeah, I would agree it is, it's that pain of loss. And I always think like, uh, I don't know if it was my mom or my grandma or or somebody said, like, you know, when it first happens, it it's just huge, you know, you feel like this huge, huge like hole in in your heart or your in your body. But as time goes on, it's not that time makes it better, but you kind of feel like the hole gets a little bit smaller. Like you said, it's because you have other um support systems or different things that come in. So you it's not as raw, but because grief has no timeline, there could be something, and all of a sudden it could be years later, months later, and you have like a grief burst because you hear a song or you see something and you're like right there on that day, and that's okay.

SPEAKER_01

10:16

Oh, it absolutely is. And I think that's that is so key for people to give themselves permission to know that that's going to happen, and that when it's happens, it's it's just your attachment to love and the missing, what whatever activates you to have that burst, as you said. Um, it's okay. And I think you know, we're here to let other people know it's okay. Yeah. Because there is so much judgment um internally and externally around grief and how people grieve and how long, I mean, I'm sure you've probably heard, aren't you over it yet? Exactly. Yeah. But David Gasler says, and I share, um, took this from him as well. Is well, how long is my person going to be dead?

SPEAKER_02

11:10

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01

11:11

Because that's how long I'm going to grieve. Yeah. Like you say, like, you know, I'll get on, I'll, you know, get myself up in the morning, get going, have this great opportunity to speak with you on a podcast. But that doesn't mean that I don't think about those that I lost, and in particular my son every day, that I don't miss him, that I don't wish that the circumstances were different. What I don't, what I do know is that my story and my experience, that how it transformed me, is that I am a more compassionate person. I am somebody who can hold more space. I mean, I think a lot of people are surprised that like the best thing you can do for somebody who's had a loss is to witness their grief. Yes. Yes, definitely. Be there for them. Sometimes, you know, they worry about what to say or not to say. And we could certainly go into that because there are some things that are more helpful than not. True, yeah. But I think your willingness to sit in the discomfort and not try to make people feel better about something that's really hard to feel better about. I mean, I think one of the things when I work with clients that's really important is that they understand that they get to stay in what we like to call the first generation's feelings. Like if you're profoundly sad, you get to be sad. You don't have to hop over to grief and cheering up and like, but yeah, this person died. But you know, we had this many years together, whatever. You don't need to go there. Exactly. You don't need to go there unless it so interrupts your life that you are not able to respond to any of the things that normally would constitute a life. You can't do your activities of daily living. You don't talk to anybody. Uh, people have different motivations. For me, um, I, because I have been in the health and wellness field my entire life, uh, one of the motivators for me really came from research from Hope Edelman, who works with motherless daughters.

SPEAKER_02

13:30

Yes, I that's an excellent book, yes.

SPEAKER_01

13:32

Yeah, tremendous book. And one of the things I liked that she said is um, you know, that children often lose their parents when they lose a sibling. So it was great motivation for me with two other children and a husband, married many, many years now, that it was motivating and it was inspirational for me to know that I wanted to still show up for them as much as the mother I had always been, um, even when their brother was alive. And that I wouldn't lose myself, you know, um, and and that was a benchmark for me to be able to say, you know, how can I show up? And at the same time, let them have their own grief experience. I'm the kind, I go to resources, I go to books, I go to all kinds of learning, which not to compare, because that usually leads to the despair that people feel, but to just see, you know, what else are people feeling? What else are people experiencing? Where are they, where do they need help? I worked with a woman recently that it took her six years for her to even look at a picture of her deceased son. And um, and then she she she didn't even connect the dots that I don't know if this was your experience, it was for me and for a lot of my clients, that grief will bring up old wounds. Yes. And um, in her case, it really did, it brought up a painful childhood. And it's she never like connected how she was never modeled grief, how she, you know, even when she had small losses, that they were really not attended to. They're basically, you know, just brushed aside and we're supposed to move on and get on with life. And um, I think that's changed today. I think people are more open and receptive to it, but I think that that that kind of ideology still hangs around and in people. Yeah. So it was and and then she also learned that by sharing her story that she could help others who are struggling, you know, to to to like find meaning after loss.

SPEAKER_02

15:55

Yeah, I mean, like for for me, seeing pictures of my mom s brings me comfort, but I know sometimes for some people it doesn't. And something is like a something as simple or as silly as my mom loved the peeps, you know, the marshmallow peeps. And she did, she loved them her whole life. We, you know. Do you have a favorite color? Uh no, well, her favorite color was green, but she ate all of them, you know. I always brought them. As a matter of fact, that was the last thing she ate was a peep. Um so when they so she died in January. So when they started to come out, you know, for Easter, I I like could not, I had to like go a different aisle in any of the stores. Like I just wanted to start crying when I saw the peeps. But now when I see them in the store, I smile and I buy them because I find comfort and I feel like that's because my mom and I used and I would buy them for her all the time, you know. You know, so sometimes I understand where people are like, I can't look at this picture right now. And I'm like, well, that's okay, you will at times, you know, another time it'll you'll find comfort with it. But getting back to what we were talking you were talking about earlier too, like I know a lot of people they get so nervous, they're like, Well, I don't know what to say. I just want to talk about something happy. And you know, people would ask me, Well, how are you? And I'd be like, I don't know.

SPEAKER_01

17:11

Like, I have no idea how I am, you know, like you know, I mean, I think, yeah, and I that's something which actually uh did propel me a lot into doing this um professionally, is because especially around my my son's death, people really did know what to say. And um, you know, a lot of people like, oh, it's the worst loss and all this. And like just saying something as simple as, I am so sorry for your loss, I wish I had the right words, just know I care. I don't know how you feel, but I'm here to help in any way I can. You know, you'll be in my thoughts and prayers, whatever is really resonates with you. Sometimes just again, that that invitation is like, may I just give you a hug? Would a hug help you? And you get a yes or a no when you do exactly what that person needs in that moment. Um, but you know, the things we never want to hear, uh, at least she lived a long life. Yes, she's not suffering anymore yet. Exactly. And there is some relief for somebody who has suffered for a long time. And sometimes the people who left behind after that loss may feel guilt or shame for feeling any relief. Um, but it doesn't help for somebody to kind of hand that kind of platitude to you, you know, the whole he or she's in a better place, the reason for everything, you know.

SPEAKER_02

18:42

Um yeah, because you want to be like, I I get that, I understand that, but they're still not here. You know, yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_01

18:49

Yeah. I heard one woman say to me that I work with, she said, if one more person tells me, you're so strong, yes, you know, because I think I'm gonna punch them. Yeah. Because I this is the no-choice option. I don't get to decide. I mean, just because I'm you don't see me crumpled, you know, covered in my bed with my my my blanket over my head doesn't mean I don't feel that way sometimes.

SPEAKER_02

19:16

Right, exactly.

SPEAKER_01

19:17

But I think people really project onto you because they they're really struggling, they have the best intentions to support you, but because we don't talk about grief, uh you know, and the fact is if you don't live a long life, it's about the only way you're not going to experience loss or grief. If you live long enough, it will be a part of it. And what I have found, and I'm curious, um, because you are obviously connecting with so many people, I mean, I have met some of the most amazing people because of my grief experience.

Connection Hospice And Not Feeling Alone

SPEAKER_02

19:52

Yes. Yeah. And in I had some a couple of friends because my mom went into hospice, and you know, I I can't say enough about hospice services. They are just wonderful. And it's not just not just the services for the patient, but for the caregivers and the family. And you know, I I did individual grief counseling, plus they have a lot of events and group counseling. And I've had some friends, and I and I tell them, I'm like, I'm telling you, I advise you to do this because I go, when you walk in a room and you realize that you're not alone, that even though you know it's a different person that someone's grieving, it's a different circumstance, they truly understand how you're feeling, and you just don't feel so alone. You feel that connection that wow. And I remember the one time they do um, they call it Lights of Love, the hospice that's here, and it's at Christmas time, and it's just this beautiful ceremony. And I was so overwhelmed by like here's this room full of people, and everyone in this room experienced loss, and it's so overwhelming, and yet it was comforting because I didn't feel so alone knowing I was missing my mom. All these people were missing others, you know. Exactly.

SPEAKER_01

21:09

Yeah, and it can be, it can really be an amazing shift just in your perspective and how you approach people. Um, you know, there's so much good news about how those kinds of experiences and and and healing comes through connection.

SPEAKER_02

21:29

Yes.

SPEAKER_01

21:30

That's really the key to that's why support, you know, whether it's in a group like that or whether you seek a professional. I mean, there's so many platforms at this time if if you want to. That's one of the things that I feel really compelled to do with people who I interact with is make sure, make sure they have resources that they could choose. For me, as I mentioned earlier, reading was a huge resource for me, but it wasn't for my husband. Yeah. So it it's interesting. Grieve differently, and it was very helpful for me to learn those things and share them with people who wanted that kind of approach as well. And then, you know, when you are in a grief counselor or grief educator, the the student and the teacher are one. The griever really directs where we go in the conversation and what they're ready to share and to experience. And you know, there are wonderful um exercises and things that we do, but it's all based on what they're prepared to do, where they want to put their focus, you know, not it's not like signing up, you know, to the gym and you know, getting getting um, you know, a plan in place. That's not what it's about. But to your point, having people who understand your loss and who can show up with the right amount of compassion and understanding, can witness your grief and can just be there for you to help you get through your days. And there are some really great things that that people can do with support that they maybe wouldn't choose to do on their own, you know.

SPEAKER_02

23:21

And as you were saying about different things that people say, I'm reminded, like the night before my mom died, a really good friend of mine called me. And I always remember he was just like, There are no words for me to say how you're feeling, but you know, I like basically I'm here. You know, he's like, I don't completely know what you're feeling, even though he had, you know, he's lost his dad. But he he for him, it was like his dad died of cancer, my mom was dying of dementia. So like it's different things, but yet, you know, that meant so much to me because it was just like, yeah, there are no words, but yet by you saying that I felt comforted, you know, instead of all those other cliches.

SPEAKER_01

24:00

He's connected with you through his warmth and his care and his understanding how difficult it was. That's what I try to share with people as well. You don't have to have the perfect words. I mean, it's better to avoid some of those things we mentioned earlier that don't help. But putting that aside, any demonstration of care and concern, I mean, I have a friend who still till today, just out of the blue, will send me a heart emoji. You know, I will often, for people, whether they're personal or professional relationships, I'll just often send a text message and just say, you know, that I am thinking about that, that I'm here, no need to reply. Just want you to know that I'm here. And I've gotten a lot of positive feedback, like you said, from your friend. It's like they're not gonna fix anything because you're not broken. Right. They can't say anything that's really gonna take your pain away, but they can be in communion with you around your discomfort, your ache, all those things, the pain that you feel, and even things that you want to celebrate. Because sometimes people feel really awkward about after someone dies, smiling, laughing, yeah. Anything that seems remotely like, you know, you're not paying homage to, you know, the person who died. And and that's particularly true with children. Children are often the forgotten grievers, especially when they're really young.

SPEAKER_02

25:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

25:35

But they need honest support as well. Um, I did listen to one of your your stories where uh a woman was talking about how she didn't learn until late in life that her father did not die from heart disease, he died from from um taking his own life. Yes. And and how disruptive that is when you're not being honest. Um, it does help to get languaging around that so that it's age appropriate. Yeah. But uh eventually you're going to find out. And that honesty around it, like I don't, I don't know what your pain is. Like your friend said to you, oh my God, it's so genuine, it's so comforting. You know, and you and you get that. That that comes through. So it's it's who is it? Was it Maya Andrew who said, you know, people won't remember what you say, but they'll remember how you made you feel? Uh yeah, I think so. Yeah. Yeah. I think so. And I and and that's a per your example is a perfect example of that.

SPEAKER_02

26:38

It it yeah, you know, and um it's so simple, but yet it's so hard for so many people, you know, to just be like, sometimes I'll tell people, oh, you know, some people like to read, I like to read too, but then sometimes I'll be like, hey, there's this great movie or there's this show. Like if that's where you find comfort in, you know, like I, you know, I'll say, for me, this is this movie I really just I connect it with, you know, or things like that. And it helps, you know, for some people.

SPEAKER_01

27:07

So I think what's interesting is, you know, the the research shows, or at least you know, I don't it's it could just be anecdotal, that when people are really grieving and sad, they don't necessarily want to watch a movie that cheers them up. Yes, they want to watch a movie that helps them just appreciate that experience. And and for a lot of people, it's a safe place to cry and to let those feelings come forward. But to your point, it's really so individual. I mean, and and you could feel one moment you want to do that, and the next moment you'd want to do something completely different, and that's all okay. It's all okay.

SPEAKER_02

27:47

Or I was just talking to a friend of mine, and we were both saying that sometimes you find comfort in watching these old shows. Maybe it's friends' reruns because you know what the lines are gonna be and they make you laugh, and that's what you need. And that's okay if you're spending your time watching, you know, these reruns, if that's where you find comfort, you know, that's what you need, you know, or maybe it's somebody's favorite show, your loved one's favorite show. That exactly. Yeah, you know, like my mom loved murder she wrote. So sometimes I'm over there and I'm like, I'm and I know all of the I've seen them all, you know, like I'm like, oh, I'm still watching it, you know.

SPEAKER_01

28:21

It just comforting to you, and that's yeah, and and and it's it's connecting, it connects you to her and the things that she loved, and it makes you feel close and I think that people need to know that it's okay to do that if that makes if you find comfort in that, that that's okay.

SPEAKER_02

28:40

Um I do want to make-shit.

Comfort Rituals Movies Memories And Kids

SPEAKER_01

28:41

It's just when we get to the point where we're judging uh our own behavior and other people's behavior, where it becomes more difficult to to um to see how we can live with the grief. Um when you just stay curious and you know, you find resources like this and where people can have a conversation about it and really let you know that all of that is within the the experience that people have of the things that help and and what doesn't help.

SPEAKER_02

29:14

I do want to talk about your website. It's Jane KD and it's dy.com, correct? Yes. And I did notice because you do have a background um in nutrition and stuff, um, with it, you know, I find that some people like they resort to comfort food during grief. And that some people can't eat at all. What would you say, like, how's that correlation with nutrition, like being holistic to help? Because people think, oh, like you said, you're grieving, you're crying, but your whole body's going through it.

SPEAKER_01

29:46

Absolutely. In fact, um, one of the good best resources that talks about that is um Mary Frances O'Connor, who's done the grieving brain and the grieving body, actually, yeah, talks about that that biological response to grief. Yes. What I suggest to people is, you know, you have to stay hydrated, um, even if it's just little bits here and there. I mean, comfort food is fine, but um, you know, it just depends whether or not you your digestion feels well. I mean, I think even more than focusing on, you know, what we eat or don't eat, it's to be able to move your emotions through the body. So whether that's taking a walk or if you're somebody who likes, you know, to stretch or do um yoga or meditation, we do need to move the bot the body, can help mobilize the emotions. Um, I happen to be a real fan of um Paul Denniston, um, who does griefyoga.com. I just finished one of his programs, but there were times where even in my certification um education, that I did Paul's yoga. And I thought, like, yeah, I'm like, you know, doing fine here. And then I did the exercise, and I had such an emotional download that was so healing. Uh, very much like what you talked about with your friend, but it's like I wasn't really expressing those emotions and until I expressed them through an embodied experience like yoga or walking, right? I couldn't mobilize them the same way. Um, I think that in in all things when we talk about health and wellness and we want to talk about diet and lifestyle, it's really about eating nutrient-dense foods that you like, you know, being able to enjoy the eating process when you feel up to eating, not forcing yourself if you don't want to, but just staying hydrated. If somebody's really having tremendous difficulty like eating it all, you might want to do some broths, some soups, things like that, you know, that feel nourishing. But hey, if you know that chocolate chip cookie like makes you remember mom in a way. I mean, I was working with a woman who she had just lost her aunt, and you know, she Christmas was coming up, and she's like, Yeah, I just you know, we used to spend the holiday together. So, well, what was something special that you shared? And she goes, Oh, her French toast. I said, Would it be comforting for you to make and eat uh French toast that you would have had with her? She said, You know what? I just think it might. So, I mean, nobody's gonna call French toast a health.

SPEAKER_00

32:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

32:54

But it is the it's the pleasurable experience of of enjoying what you know you just enjoy as a solo person, but or what you might have shared. And I think that that's that's that's a good guidance in the in the beginning, especially as you said early, early on, grief is a very different experience to when we get to the second and the third year. You know, you can call it um more mature grief. Um, you know, I think that um does that answer your question?

SPEAKER_02

33:28

Yes, yeah, because I know people are like it is something they did you eat, and sometimes you're like, uh sometimes you forget, or sometimes you're like, I don't know, or you're like, like, yeah, but I you know, and it is important. And I have to tell myself that too. Like, do do whatever it is that you like to do to move because it does help. Right.

SPEAKER_01

33:45

And what what any what any person would still advise is, you know, if you're going to pick something that's uh pick pick fruits, vegetables, things that are not processed only, you know. I would advise anybody that, you know, even if you know, chip and dip was your thing with your with your loved one, maybe to make that the only thing you eat, you know. Um, and then you listen to your body, right? Certain things are gonna feel okay and certain things aren't, but be gentle with yourself.

SPEAKER_02

34:13

And also you also you offer services on the website. People can go on there for different counseling and things like that on your website.

Grief And The Body Food Hydration Movement

SPEAKER_01

34:20

Yeah, the first thing I offer for everyone is a free initial consultation. Okay. I want you to get to know me, I want to get to know you, and we can decide together what is your next best move. And if you want one-to-one counseling, we can certainly do that. But I will supply people with resources and other things that might, you know, if if if one-to-one isn't what they want to do, I will supply them with a lot of resources so they can take their time. Uh, it's not something to be rushed. Um, people have to feel they're ready. Um, and when they are, I'm I'm I'm I'm thrilled to say that people have great experiences with support, uh, guidance, and accountability. And the accountability is only just showing up. That's all. You know, you don't have to jump through any hoops or do anything.

SPEAKER_02

35:12

Yeah. Well, thank you so much for joining us today. This has been very, very informative. And again, your web I'll have you I'll have your website link on with the show. So it's Jane K Dye Dye's D Y E.com. So people can uh check all of that out as well for it.

SPEAKER_01

35:30

So I'll leave me with this last thought. A friend of mine who's also nervous says, Do you realize that as a grief educator your name is Jane Dye? And I said yes, but it it's not spelled that way.

SPEAKER_02

35:44

So I don't know if you ever watched the show Touch by an Angel years ago.

SPEAKER_01

35:48

It was that I did in the past, yeah.

SPEAKER_02

35:50

And and the actor that played the angel, quote unquote, of death, his last name was Die too. That's spelled exactly the same. Yes, yes. Yeah, so and so it's this is a full circle type of a thing. So that's okay. Yeah, so I appreciate your sense of humor around it. Yeah, so but thank you so much for joining us today. So hopefully everyone has learned uh so if you enjoyed your cup of tea, your cup of coffee, or your glass of wine if it was a really bad day, type of a thing, and you will join us and you found some comfort and join us for another edition of Patti's Place.

Welcome To Patty’s Place

SPEAKER_02

0:12

Welcome to Patty's Place, a place where we'll talk about grief, dementia, and caregiving. My name is Lisa. I started this podcast in honor of my mom who passed away from dementia about two years ago. So I just wanted people to know that you're not alone here. So grab your cup of tea, your cup of coffee, or if you're having a really bad day, maybe a glass of wine. And today we're going to talk uh to Krista McDonald. She is a hospice nurse for over 20 years. She has her own website as well. She also has a book out and a foundation. Uh it's called GLAD Grieving Loss After Death and Dying for that. So welcome, Krista. Thank you for joining us today. Yes, yes. So um I was looking at your website and everything. It's really cool for it. So you mentioned that can you expand or explain what you mean by the end of the life is often life's greatest teacher.

SPEAKER_00

1:11

Um, oh yeah, for sure. There's so many things you could say about that. Um I think it wasn't till I had my own personal experience that it became my greatest teacher. And, you know, when we're younger, I'm 45 now, but you know, I started doing this. My mom took me to the hospital when I was a young age at 13, but I was a CNA at 16. So at 16 is when it started. Um, and when I was younger, I helped all three of my grandparents when I was younger, you know, before the age of 20. And I was always told to get over it, get over it. And we really didn't know how to deal with it, right? And till about a year ago, a little less than a year ago, when I had my own personal experience with my stepdad, is when it was it hits you when you have that personal experience and it changes everything, especially if you really love the person. So that's why I always say everything. Um, I had a lot of uh visions and dreams for over 10 years to help people with grief because I always say once the funeral ends, where do people go? Nobody knows where to go. And yeah, and we live in a grief-avoidant society. And, you know, I have been in since the a young age in my 20s, when I started working for the visiting nurse service in New York, I've been in thousands of homes and I've just seen so many people not know how to grieve and just sit there and in in like just stay in this container for the rest of their life, just grieving over this loss because nobody knows they just don't know where to go. They don't know how to grieve properly. So this mission came out of my own personal experience. So, you know, when you lose somebody physically that you love, it just it changes you. And I always tell people that glad came about because of mad and sad in New York. I grew up with mothers against drunk driving, students against drunk driving, and that came about because a mother had an experience that lost her son, right? And she wanted to change the world too. So sometimes when things are so that it becomes painful and and it hurts, when in doubt, focus out. And that's what I tell people. So take your pain and put it to purpose because the world needs you.

Hearing And Words At The End

SPEAKER_02

3:09

That's very true. Yeah, very, very true. Um, I mean, me personally, I've had other deaths and you know, for family related, but with my mom, yeah, it just it's just different. Totally different. Um, because obviously she was the closest person I I mean I had with it. And um being a hospice nurse, obviously you've seen a lot of things. And I one thing that I'm grateful for is that I was was with her, especially like I mean, I was with her every day, but especially that like last week I spent the the nights with her because she was in memory care with it. Can you talk a little bit too about like they always say hearing is one of the last things, last senses to go. Is that true?

SPEAKER_00

3:53

Oh, yeah, absolutely, absolutely. And there's so many studies, but I've read studies that you know that that that people still hear and know what's going on for 20 minutes after after they passed. So, no, and yeah, I always tell people they could hear you. Just say whatever you need to say, say what you want. I love, you know, with your mother, those are not easy situations, you know, because a lot of people treat dementia. It always bothered me my whole nursing career, because they treat people with dementia Alzheimer's like they're not there, and they're completely there. They understand everything. I've seen, you know, they they understand if you just communicate to them. Even if they're not, you know, on their deathbed. It doesn't have to be just, you know, with the the dementia and Alzheimer's, if you just explain to people, explain to the you know, patients they they're treated a little bit differently, and it's not the easiest thing. And I've always been an advocate. I'm like, they hear you, they know you, they you know, they see you. Um, and they're they're special people, but they could hear everything and they understand. But yeah, when people are dying, it's why I tell them I said, whatever you need to say, let it out. They're gonna heal hear you, and people respond. I mean, people even when if they're in a comatose position, you know, in in that position in the last 24 hours where people think they can hear, they hear everything. And sometimes it's that wink of an eye you get, you know, or all of a sudden a jolt if you say something for them to ignite they acknowledge you when, you know, they let you know I hear you for sure.

Choosing The Moment To Go

SPEAKER_02

5:13

Cause I uh because I was there in the I spent the evenings with my mom. Um, because I I just did not want her to die alone. That was just really important to me. So my dad was there in the during the day and that and I was there at night. But I like played music for her. Um, you know, I would play that and I talked to her and stuff like that. You know, she was the first night she she was still talkative a little bit, but then after that one, she a little bit here and there, but as the days went on, that last week she didn't. But so I played all her favorite music and I talked to her and stuff, and like I even said to her, you know, please come visit me. Don't haunt me, but just come to visit me, you know. I mean, like, and I told her I'd take care of my dad, you know, like and that it was okay and that kind of stuff. The other thing too is I've heard a lot of times that when someone passes, they don't always um like to be right there with that person, you know, like people ask me what time exactly did my mom pass because I was there, and I don't know the exact time because I knew it was coming because the hospice nurse had said it would be about a week and it was coming towards the end of the week. And she I could tell her breathing was starting to change, you know. And I uh I I woke up and she was still breathing, but it was kind of like the death rattle, they call it, right? And so she was still a little bit, and then I closed my eyes again, and a little bit later I opened them my eyes up and I didn't hear anything, you know, and I went to check on her, and then I had to go get the nurse that was on duty because she was in memory care and all that. So I almost feel like my mom, I think, purposely actually passed when she knew I was asleep. Like she knew I was there, but she didn't maybe necessarily want me to hear her last breath. I don't know. What are your thoughts on those types of things? Because I've heard different things.

SPEAKER_00

7:00

I have I know I have chills listening to it, you know, because ah, I love that. No, and how people because she wants you to remember her alive, you know. A lot of people like hold on to that last breath. And I feel like she was just like, she did it her way. She's like, I'm out of here. Just remember me. I almost feel like your mom has like, I don't know, like she was just like a um, like my grandmother, almost like a saint in this world, like a good woman. Yes you know, just like she's just such a good solid woman that she just didn't and she didn't want to disturb anybody. Yes, you know, like let me just wisp out of this. I don't want any, you know. Yeah, because people really and then they have regret. And I'm like, you have to take our experience. It's beautiful, you know, it's like birth. We don't know if we're gonna come in for a C-section or a bat, you know, we don't know all these things, but that's a beautiful story, and that's what I that's my message to to the world, because how you live is how you die, I tell people. So, like, I think it's just beautiful because when if you're not there to see that last breath, they just say, and I did it my way, I I left peacefully, and just remember me alive and take all those memories and live with them. And people are like, I should have woke up, I should have done no, you shouldn't have. You know, but people, it's it's it it was how it was supposed to be. And I love that story. I just get chills because they're not always like that, Patty. You know, yeah, just they're my first, my that was that sounds exactly like Mary at 16, my first passing that I was with. And I was in school with CNA. She was on her, I was washing her, and that she was on her side, and the teacher walked in and was like, Mary's dead. And I'm like, and she just passed away, like as I was washing her, you know. And I I didn't know, I I had no idea. And you know, and when you hear stories like that, I always tell people that those women too had strong faith. You know, I'm sure your mom had some strong faith.

Signs After Death And Grief Time

SPEAKER_02

8:41

Yeah, she did. And um, yeah, she also, I know a lot of times people say it too as they get closer to death, that they start to see people. Um, my mom had it for quite a while, you know. Um I guess some people would get scared. I didn't, it was almost so more like out of curiosity. Like she um she said she saw her one cousin because her um when she was 11, her one cousin died tragically, and they were they were like sisters more than cousins. So she said, Don't you see this little girl with red hair? And I was like, Oh, what's her name? And then she told me her name, and I was like, Oh, okay. And then she started seeing her brother who had passed, and we had never told her that her brother passed because why do it? She had dementia, it would just upset her. And she was asking for her mom and things like that. And I I almost felt like comforted because I knew I believed they were there, you know, even though I didn't see them, I believe they were there. And then she also looked like she was petting a dog, and you know, we had dogs that had passed too. So I like I kind of believe they were there with her too, you know, bringing her comfort.

SPEAKER_00

9:48

Oh yeah, yeah. I'm telling you, I have chills throughout my body, and this has been, you know, I always tell people, I'm like, I'm Christ, I'm you know, I'm Krista, I'm Christ with an I. I said, I I never, it's hard to put like a religion in a you know, it's not spiritual, it's not religious. Sometimes it's just what it is. But a lot of people that pray to a God in Jesus that we can't see, I've heard thousands of stories like this. And that's why, you know, that's why I wrote the book too, because from a young age in my early 20s, there was a woman that was like, the doorbell rings every night at 8 p.m. That's my husband who passed. And I'm like, and I heard thousands of stories like this. So if your mom is still alive talking to somebody on the other side that died tragically, I always tell people, like, I don't believe that we die. I think that just like we have that connection with God of Jesus, we have that same connection. And I always, when I'm when I had the opportunity to help people at the end of life, exactly with my stepdad, I said, How am I gonna know it's you when you pass? How am I gonna know? And he was a feisty guy and he said, I'm gonna be bird poop on your windshield. You know, I said, All right, bird poop on my windshield. Why couldn't you be a blue jazzm? Right. And do you know the day after he passed? I wasn't ready to see it. There was bird poop. I had to go in the car to do something for his him, and I it there's bird poop all over, and I just I lost it. I wasn't ready. Now, you know, it was it took me about a good seven months to actually build that connection and to see him and to hear him. He was a UPS driver, so I see UPS trucks all over. You just get different signs. So your loved ones are there, and that's the that point right there at the end of life. You your story, thousands of people say it. Oh, my mom saw my loved one, saw this one, saw that one. And it's like because they're there, because we're all here. We just can't see them. And that's why I tell people when somebody dies, grief takes a minimum, I believe, of a year. So, so, and it's funny as we're talking a UPS truck is is going to be us right now. I can't even wish I could show you. And um, you know, I said, but you know, it takes a year for people to that physical loss is is not easy to have not have your mom to just call her and hug her and even me. And you know, the the other last week I had a breakdown in Costco. And, you know, and I I said, you know, I want this program, the GLED program, which I'll tell you about, but it's up and running in June. But I'm like, it's a 24-7 bereavement. That if you have a breakdown, you just call and people, grief coaches will get you through bereavement because grief is it's affecting people's health. It became an ICD9 code, and people don't know how to create that relationship to say, all right, I know that you're not physically here, but you know, I know that I can still talk to you. You know, I know that I get messages through the birds, the the trees, the numbers, the their signs, you know. Right. And that's where people need to start looking at death and grief because it's the only thing guaranteed. We are nobody is guaranteed tomorrow, not one person. And that, and you know, that's the truth. But I love that with your mom because all of it's true, all of it's real. And it's, I don't know, right? But I've had thousands of testimonials because I've been blessed to have this gift of helping people, you know, in the during this journey. It's the hardest thing to do, but it's beautiful if you make it. Because look at you, Patty, look what you did. You're changing the world. You took your pain and you and you made it your purpose. Because do you know how many people out there are miss their mother? They don't know how to function without their mother. I lost you know my stepdad, but I still do have my mother. But I think about that. I'm like, wow, who would I call? And so people need what you're doing, Patty. So thank you for what you're doing.

Presence In Dementia Care

SPEAKER_02

13:13

You mentioned your book. So it's eight lessons that dying taught me. So you want to talk, and you also say it's a soul worker. I I love that title with it. What do you mean by the soul worker?

SPEAKER_00

13:25

Yeah, I always, you know, I just always tell people, I think that we're on a soul journey, you know, and so many people, like I said, how we live is how we die. And a lot of people don't want to talk about death and realize like you might not be here tomorrow. And how you live is how you die. And and some this world, we need a little bit more love. And we all know that, right? A lot of people live their life worried about two things things and money, things and money, which you don't take with you when you're not in this world. You leave a legacy, and that's what I tell people. Like, you leave a legacy when you when you pass, do you want people to just say, Oh, I joke with this, that you are an Amazon, a Costco member? Do you want to say, you know, you made Patty's place, right? Patty place left a legacy. Like, so it's like we have to realize that we, you know, we have this one life. Who do you want to be? And who do you want to show up to show up to be? So the biggest lesson I always, it's eight lessons dying has taught me. I wanted to write this book for over 10 years. I'm actually working on my second one. Um, and the title of that is Hey Kid, I'm still here. So it's to help people develop that relationship, you know, to realize that relationship. But the one big lesson that I really like to tell the world is presence, you know, like you gave your mother. And people, like in those days, it's the hardest. And you know that emotionally on you, you just felt like when what is happening to me? So what you did is you showed up and you were present. And that's what a lot of people don't do. They run from it. I'm scared of death. I can't watch this, I can't watch that. We're all gonna die. So when you're dying, do you want somebody to show up? If you know that somebody's sick, like your neighbor, right? Do you want to just ask them, you need bread, you need water, you need something? Sometimes we gotta get back down to the basic stuff. So I don't know if it's this social media that's ruined us, but you showed up, Patty. And that's that's you're the reason I wrote the book because you're rare. People don't always show up, even if it's the mother or the father, and that's the truth. Yeah, that's the truth.

SPEAKER_02

15:13

And that's something that my mom taught me because my mom showed up for other people that she was cool, she was a caregiver. And so she showed up for many different people. She had a lot of a lot of tragedies in her life, a lot of people that passed, and she always showed up. Uh, as a matter of fact, her her one of her very best friends at the end it was hard for her to see her, but and she drove around in the in in the memory care facility like a half hour before she could came up, come up, and she kept thinking to herself, well, what would you know my mom have done? And she forced herself to come up and see her because she knew she would, you know, if the roles were reversed. And so I and especially with dementia, there isn't anything you can do, you know. So all I could do was be there for her. And I, you know, it took me a while to learn that um I just had to enter her world and you know, don't be correcting her or whatever. And sometimes it was funny because especially in that facility, you know, in the facility, when you hear two dementia patients talk, sometimes it was hard not to laugh because you know, some of the stories, you know, and you just have to go along with it. But I always felt bad for the residents that never had any visitors. You know, I I just did because it was more about the family or the people, in my opinion, that it was too hard for them to see them that way, but they didn't know that. You know, my mom thought she was at her grandma's house, that's where she thought she was at. So I went along with it. I didn't try to correct her. You know. And I think people with dementia do teach you that that you have to live in the moment because that's all they have. Yeah. Is that moment.

SPEAKER_00

16:47

And they feel the love, no matter if wherever she thinks, she just she knew that you were there and loving her. And that yeah, the light is shining and she just felt loved and happy. They know.

SPEAKER_02

16:57

Yeah, because like she didn't know who um I was or who my dad were, but I we both felt like deep down inside she knew we were people she could trust. And so she she felt okay. Like she just thought I was this really nice girl that came to visit her, you know. So I went along with that, with it. Um so I do think presence is important when people are sick and stuff, because you know, you it is hard to get into that the dying person's frame of mind and be there for them and not talk about because you have all those other feelings going on. I'm sure you have lots of stories about families with uh I'm sure you know many.

SPEAKER_00

17:35

Too many, so many, but yeah, too many, but to be prepared, and that's true the truth of it, because it's the only thing guaranteed, and there's a lot of family fights, and there's so much. I mean, I've called the cops so many times. I've you know, I could tell you so many stories because people think that money and things they matter and they don't, you know, and then all this, and it's because sometimes we don't want to deal with death to talk about it, so we don't do anything, right? So we don't set up the for you know the the beneficiaries, the DNRs, you know, when you do you want to be cremated? And I try to tell people like if it's only let's make it fun a little bit, even when my stepdad was dying, you know, when he died, we he had a big daddy shirt, he was a trip, you know, but we made it fun. We did, you know, throughout the whole journey, you know. We we definitely we you do what you can to to make it fun.

SPEAKER_02

18:20

So yeah, I mean, luckily, like I said, I've told this story before. My mom, way before she even got sick. I came over to see her the one day, and she like because she's like, Come here, come here. And I'm like, what? And there she has all these CDs on her bed with little notes on them. And she's like, These are the songs I want played at my funeral. I'm like, mom, she's like, you need to know this. And I was like, Okay, you know, and and so I sure enough, I made sure I grabbed all those CDs with the little notes and I followed him, you know. Yeah, I was like, okay, mom.

SPEAKER_00

18:51

And I say when people can talk about it like that, when she's like, Oh, when I die, is because your mom, one, she had strong faith, right? And I tell people it's just about faith. She believed that we're not in control. A lot of people think we are. She had strong faith and she knew where she was going, right? And that's how just peacefully that she just went. And that's that I mean, I just love the story because it's very rare that I get to say, this is why I'm doing, right? Because your mom, she was a good human, she did for people, right? She's not hurting any, and this is this is how it is. And she just and there's no morphine. That's when people say morphine immense kill is because people's souls aren't right, right? That's where the soul worker came from, too. So you have a beautiful story.

GLAD Support After The Funeral

SPEAKER_02

19:28

Oh, well, thank you. And like I said, my mom, she she had a lot of tragedy in her life, so she talked about it a lot uh with it. And I think that's what made her such a good caregiver. You know, she always wanted to take care of people with it. So for me, I was like, well, I can't do anything. There's nothing to fix dementia, you know, which that's a whole nother issue, you know. So at least I could be there for her, you know, um, with it, uh, for it, and you know, just bring her stuff that she liked and let her talk and and that kind of stuff. That was all I could do with it. Um, so on your website here, you started, you said you mentioned earlier GLAD. Can you tell us what that stands for?

SPEAKER_00

20:08

Yeah, so GLAD, I had this vision like 10 years ago when a guy that lost his wife um after six months of losing her, he couldn't leave the house. He was shaking. And I just never knew the acronym until my stepdad passed. So it's grieving loss after death and dying, and it's the first national online bereavement program. So there's three parts to it. And the first one is the 24-7 toll-free number. Um, and this will be up and going June, June 17th. So that's the first part of it that anybody can just call. If, you know, it's kind of like the suicide hotline. The second one is the the online classes. So right now we have 34 online classes that are all going to be online um via Zoom. We have different ones for if you lost a, you know, a child, if you lost a parent, if you lost a spouse. And um, you know, just we have different other, there'll be some things of like chair yoga, different modalities just for the nervous system. You know, I think we have somebody coming on for sound bad. So it's just very generic to just help people. We have a man's group, because you know, men, there's no place, you know, for them, for them to go. So that's the the second part. And then the third part is we're helping 50 families a year with$8,000. So we want to help them make their dreams come true, you know, at the end of life. And maybe it takes the pressure off of people to help them grieve differently, help them die grieve differently at the end of life. So we're gonna start off helping 50 families. So right now that's what the program is. We're in the process of, you know, getting donations, founder circles, things like that. And um, our first live event is April 14th in Sarasota, Florida, is our first event. Um, live event, yeah, to get glad out there. And um, yeah, we're just really excited about it. Like, because I said we live in a grief avoidant society, and after the funeral in Casserole will stop, nobody people don't know where to go. And this people can do from their home on their own schedule. So um, yeah, we're we're we're super excited, and we have about 12 brief coaching. Like amazing grief coaches, a lot of them that wrote their own books, have groups already, have podcasts like you that are helping people.

SPEAKER_02

22:07

I I do agree with you. I think we do live in a grief avoidance society. You know, people don't know what to say, so they just don't say it and they think, oh, well, I remember right after my mom's service, somebody asked me, How oh, how are you? You know, and I was like, I feel like now is when it really starts because you're in that the whole, you know, you're you you you you gotta clean out the room, you gotta do all this other stuff, you gotta do the service, you gotta get through all this, gotta buy the dress for the service. And now you're like, okay, it's over. Like it really hits, and that's when people kind of leave you. You know, they don't mean to, but you know, and it's it's very it's hard to find those people that you have that space with that you could talk. Like I ended up telling people, like, I want you to talk about my mom. I feel comfort when I talk about my mom. You know, I want to hear those stories, you know. Like I, you know, because sometimes she said stuff that has really made you laugh, you know, and like that brings me comfort. I, you know, not talking about her hurts, you know, with it. Um, but it is hard for people because they don't they don't know what to say.

SPEAKER_00

23:11

They don't know, yeah. And sometimes I got chills again. I love it.

SPEAKER_02

23:15

You know, it's like sometimes you just want people to just be there and you just need to vendor, you just need to talk about stuff because then you have all this other stuff that happens afterwards, you know, you gotta deal with the banks and all that other stuff. It's like exactly it it's a lot, and I do think sometimes people are scared to ask for help or they don't know what's going on, they don't understand what grief is. Yeah. With it. So it's nice that people will be able to come on to and your website is Krista McDonald.com, correct?

SPEAKER_00

23:44

It is, it is, it's in the process, but this even glad community. We're we're in a little bit of uh they're just changing the websites, but yeah, it's Krista McDonald.com and gladcommunity.com. Okay, and yeah, yeah, I love that too, though. What you said, Patty, because people have to talk about their loved one because we we're focusing on the loss that we're not celebrating the life. And they bring so many gifts. Like I know that we had the loss, but we got to celebrate, we have to celebrate them and talk about it. And especially for the first couple of months, I tell people do something, right? Light a candle. Like there was a candle. I just if it it if it went, it was a battery. If the batteries, I had to go get batteries, make it lit. It's just a way to honor them, you know. So I love that you want to talk about them and because a lot of people do, they avoid, oh, they're not here. Why are we gonna talk about them? And it's like they give us so many beautiful gifts. How could we not talk about them?

What Hospice Really Provides

SPEAKER_02

24:31

Exactly. Yeah, you know, and and it does hurt sometimes, but then it also brings comfort with that as well for it. So, what would you say you would want people to know? Because you know, sometimes people have uh um the wrong impression about hospice. What would you tell them? You know, because I had a wonderful experience with hospice. My mom had hospice, so what would you tell them that I mean hospice gives you so much more than people think with it?

SPEAKER_00

24:57

Yes, yes, and you know, and I have done home health, you know, in the beginning of my career because a lot of people didn't want to go on hospice. Um, I tell people, I think hospice is a beautiful thing. I think in healthcare, yes, there's shortages and there's different hospices that offer and can offer. So I do believe that it is a personal experience. That's why, you know, with with some hospices, I think that's why they have that. But I always tell people that if, you know, especially old people, it's not, it's not for the last minute of when you're gonna pass. I have had patients on it one year, two years, three years, even four years. I've had patients on hospice for four years. And what that means is that you have a condition that we can't treat that's not getting better, right? That we just manage the symptoms, but you're not gonna get better. And, you know, you have to be certified every couple of, you know, every, you know, six months or so. But they offer, you know, they just offer not only emotional support, physical support, and you just you don't feel alone. And I just every state, and I was a, you know, I traveled America over 10 years as a hospice nurse. So I I've gotten to see different, you know, hospices. That's why I know some states have more than others. And that's why people have different experiences. But if you have a loved one that you just know that, and I always tell people, I'm gonna say this for your caregivers, because I always tell, especially wives, right? I don't know, sometimes it, and I'm not saying it's not husbands, but a lot of times it's wives, that if you're starting to get, if you're you're getting older and you're starting to get really frustrated with your husband, a lot of times it it can be lack of oxygen to the brain. Something else might be going on. And I've had this story hundreds and hundreds of times where wives are, you know, they get, and a lot of times when you get older, sometimes people just don't die. Sometimes people do die a year, two years, three years, right? The body takes takes time. But I always tell people when people get on hospice, they live longer, right? Because hospice relooks at your medications, they take you off a lot of medications because people don't realize the older you get, you do not metabolize the medications as if you were 40 or 50, right? So some of the meds become toxic. They take you off medications, which a lot of families don't like. That actually, I've seen people that had Alzheimer's and dementia speak Spanish again, right? So there's sometimes medications that they they look at it differently because as you, you know, as the body is shutting down, you get older, it's treated differently than if you're younger. So hospice gives you that support because at any moment, that's what I tell people, you can have a change. And you have a magnet on every refrigerator, right, to call the hospice agency if something's wrong. And that's what um I have for GLAD too. So every refrigerator in, you know, in America will have a bereavement magnet too, because I have magnets made that will go out so that hospices, if you're if you are dying, you know that you have support all the time, right? And then GLAD is if you once you have that loss, you know you've got GLAD and that we're gonna support you. And that's we need a better system, you know, going forward for that. Uh I get off on tangents with that. Don't get these started.

SPEAKER_02

27:45

No, I would agree because a lot of people do have a uh a misconception about hospice. They think, oh, it's only for you know your deathbed. And um hospice actually came in about four months before my mom passed. And at the point, my dad and I weren't even sure if she qualified or not. But the memory care facility was like, well, she needs a little bit more care. So, you know, we called hospice, and they were just absolutely wonderful. Like, and even the hospice nurse like even helped even explain dementia even more to me with it and explained how my mom was very highly unusual for the degree her dementia was, but she was still mobile. And so and then as soon as it it was funny because it well, not really funny, but it's almost ironic, I guess. That part of the brain shut off for my mom while the hospice nurse was there, where she couldn't make the turns anymore in the bathroom and she didn't know what to do, so she had to get in a wheelchair, and then they had to get the hospital bed and the power recliner and everything for her. Like the hospice nurse, I could tell was she was anticipating it was coming with it. Yeah. Um, but yeah, I learned so much and so much and in what support in that. And I wish people would realize that those resources are out there and they help you.

SPEAKER_00

29:06

So families are like, they get it's scary that I, you know, when you're on hospice, they're like, what does it look like? And I'm like, you call us anytime. That's why you have the magnet. You call us, we will be there. And we you have that support. So yeah, I love it.

Book News And Farewell

SPEAKER_02

29:17

Yeah. So I I I can't speak highly highly enough of hospice, you know, what they did. And in other stories, I've had two of other family members or close family friends that have had hospice with that for that. Yeah. Um, so where can people purchase your book, The Eight Lessons of Dying?

SPEAKER_00

29:33

That's it's gonna be coming out. I'm getting the final. We had to do some, you know, that within the next four weeks on Amazon, they'll be able to get it. So it'll be on my website. Yeah. Yeah. People will um and you know, Patty, I just want to thank you for being such an amazing daughter.

SPEAKER_02

29:48

Well, I had a good, I had a good teacher with my mom.

SPEAKER_00

29:51

I know, but you know, thank you. Because you're the you're, you know, this is what it should look like, right? We're just here to help each other. That's all.

SPEAKER_02

29:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

29:59

Just go back to the love. And, you know, parents, I always tell people that parents always do the best that they can, you know, especially with children. I've seen them, you know, our parents do the best that we can, just like us, right? Especially if we have kids. We know kids having kids are hard.

SPEAKER_01

30:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

30:13

So sometimes we just have to realize that, like, you know, we thank our parents, and then at a certain age, we take responsibility and love our parents. And that's what I love it. And that's what uh, you know, more more of us have to do in the world a little bit.

SPEAKER_02

30:26

It it's not easy, it's hard. But uh, I just yeah, I I just because she was she was such the caregiver, that's what she did. And I knew that if she took care of me, so I was like, I I needed to take care of her with it. So so um we will definitely have your website on with our um on our page with it, and uh people can purchase the book as well. So thank you so much for joining us today.

SPEAKER_00

30:53

Thank you so much for having me. Thank you.

SPEAKER_02

30:55

So hopefully everybody has learned a lot today and you've enjoyed your cup of tea or your cup of coffee, or if you're like I said, you're having a really bad day, your glass of wine, and you will join us for another edition of Patty's Place.