The Village Solution-Interview with author Carl Nassar

Welcome To Patty’s Place

0:10

Welcome
to
Patty's
Place,
a
place
where
we'll
talk
about
grief,
dementia,
and
caregiving.
I
named
this
podcast
in
honor
of
my
mom,
Pat,
who
passed
away
from
dementia
about
two
years
ago.
I'm
your
host,
Lisa,
and
we
will
talk
about
things
that
help
us
not
feel
so
alone
today.
So
grab
your
cup
of
tea,
your
cup
of
coffee,
or
if
you're
having
that
really
bad
day,
your
glass
of
wine,
and
come
join
us.
So
today
we
have
our
guest
is
Carl
Nassar.
He
is
a
psychotherapist,
author
of
The
Village
Solution,
and
a
regular
contributor
to
psychology
today
and
the
Joseph
Campbell
Foundation.
So
welcome,
Carl,
to
Patty's
Place.
Yes,
thank
you
for
having
me.
I'm
very
glad
to
be
here,
Sydney,
with
you.
Yes,
I'm
I'm
excited
to
uh
to
talk
to
you
about
all
this.
One
of
the
things
that
I
noticed
uh
when
I
was
looking
up
all
your
information,
you
have
a
thing
that
says
why
you're
exhausted
and
why
it's
not
your
fault.
Yes,
I
do.
Yes,
so
can
you
can
we
explore
that
a
little
bit?
Because
I
feel
exhausted
a
lot.
Absolutely.

Why Modern Life Feels Exhausting

1:13

Happy
to
do
it.
Ties
well
into
the
theme
you
brought
up
about
loneliness.
You
know,
for
we
humans
have
been
on
this
planet
for
some
two
million
years.
And
over
the
course
of
that
two
million
years,
for
almost
the
almost
the
entirety
of
that
time,
we
lived
in
villages.
We
lived
in
these
places
where
if
we
were
born
into
a
village,
if
if
you'd
been
born
into
a
village,
Lisa,
there'd
have
been
46
eyes
lovingly
looking
at
you.
There'd
be
46
pairs
of
hands
ready
to
scoop
you
up.
When
you
cried,
your
cry
would
be
responded
to
in
25
seconds
or
less.
You'd
be
held
close
for
nine
hours
a
day.
As
you
grew
up
in
that
village
setting,
you
would
work
collectively
with
your
fellow
villagers.
You
would
together
work
to
meet
all
your
needs.
And
because
you're
working
together,
you'd
only
have
to
work
for
three,
four
hours
a
day.
And
by
the
end
of
that
day,
uh,
you
know,
this
was
a
village
that
would
realize
that
work
was
in
the
service
of
life,
not
the
other
way
around.
And
so
once
that
work
was
done,
the
day
would
open
wide.
And
what
would
you
do
at
that
time?
Well,
someone
might
start
singing
and
song
would
rise
in
the
air.
You'd
linger
around
meals
for
a
long
time,
swapping
stories.
Some
would
start
a
fire
at
night
and
you'd
talk
about
the
origins
of
the
stars
together.
And
there
was
all
this
time
to
be,
to
connect,
to
be
with
each
other.
But
starting
some
20,000
years
ago,
toward
the
end
of
the
last
great
toward
the
end
of
the
last
great
ice
age,
and
carrying
forward
until
about
500
years
ago,
the
villages
began
to
slowly
disappear.
And
500
years
ago,
they
began
to
disappear
at
a
remarkably
fast
pace.
Until
today,
they're
pretty
much
all
but
gone.
The
ones
that
remain
live
on
the
edge
of
extinction.
And
what's
replaced
them,
what's
stepped
in
in
their
place,
is
consumer
culture.
So
when
you
and
I
arrive
into
the
world,
you
know,
um,
we
arrive
with
minds
still
wired
by
two
million
years
of
evolution.
So
our
minds,
when
we're
born,
look
around
and
say,
hey,
my
village
should
be
here.
I'm
ready
to
be
held
in
25
seconds
or
less
when
I
cry.
I'm
ready
for
46
people
to
greet
me.
But
when
we
show
up
in
this
world,
that's
not
what
we
get
at
all.
We,
to
our
amazement,
there's
just
two
people
here,
right?
Our
parents.
And
they're
worn
thin
because
these
two
people
alone
are
being
asked
to
do
what
a
whole
village
once
did.
They
must
meet
all
the
needs
of
life
on
their
own.
And
so
it's
early
mornings
to
work,
uh,
evenings
spent
picking
up
groceries,
cooking
meals,
doing
dishes,
folding
laundry,
paying
bills.
So
at
the
end
of
the
day,
you
arrive,
um,
you
know,
collapsed
in
front
of
a
TV,
and
that's
even
before,
but
even
before
we're
born,
right?
And
then
we
arrive
on
the
scene
with
all
the
emotional,
relational
needs
of
a
child.
There's
no
way
our
parents
can
give
us
what
a
village
once
did.
Right?
So
from
a
very
early
age,
we
cry
from
our
cribs,
and
sometimes
no
one
comes.
Sometimes
someone
comes
worn
thin.
But
either
way,
we
know
uh
what
our
what
our
little
heart
needs
isn't
met.
And
what
arrives
in
its
place
is
somewhat
of
a
loneliness,
uh
quiet
that
sort
of
creeps
in
under
our
bedroom
door
and
arrives
beside
our
crib
and
doesn't
leave.
So
from
a
very
early
age,
we're
be
we're
beginning
to
realize
we're
gonna
have
to
figure
out
how
to
do
this
life
together,
do
this
life
on
our
own.
It's
a
very
big
shift
in
this
culture
where
everyone
is
asked
to
do
an
individual
work
life,
an
individual
home
life,
an
individual,
you
know,
life,
as
opposed
to
what
it
used
to
be,
where
we
did
things
collectively
together.
So
the
exhaustion
we
feel
is
the
exhaustion
of
living
in
a
way
that
really
we're
not
have
not
evolved
to
live
in,
which
is
doing
everything
on
our
own
by
ourselves,
as
opposed
to
doing
things
collectively
as
a
shared
group.
When

Belonging And The Consumer Culture Trap

5:05

you
were
talking,
it
made
me
think
of
when
I
was
in
Ireland
two
years
ago.
And
I
feel
like
uh
when
I
was
there,
I
felt
like
I
was
part
of
something.
I
felt
like
I
was
part
of
the
villages
and
things
because
um
the
time
was
just
so
much
more
relaxed
and
like
just
even
going
with
the
pubs
and
stuff.
And
I'm
not
even
talking
about
the
drinking
part,
you
know,
just
being
there.
Yeah,
I
just
that's
what
it
reminded
me
of
instantly.
Like
when
I
was
in
Ireland,
you
know,
and
I
that's
how
I
felt.
I
felt
so
connected
there
with
that.
Well,
that's
right.
I
mean,
that's
so
that's
so
much
our
wiring.
It's
so
innate
in
us
to
to
want
to
belong,
to
want
to
be
a
part
of,
to
want
to
connect
with,
you
know,
and
what's
remarkable
about
this
is
this
is
the
very
thing
that
consumer
culture
exploits
when
we're
young.
Because
think
about
when
we're
really
small,
um,
and
consumer
culture
arrives
with
two
million
advertisers
and
a
trillion
dollar
budget
every
year.
And
what
do
these
ads
sell
us
on?
They're
not
selling
us
the
product,
they're
selling
us
the
promise
this
product
will
bring
our
people
near.
Right?
You
look
at
the
ad
for,
say,
uh
hamburger
helper,
right?
A
mom
and
daughter
sitting
in
the
kitchen
kind
of
distant.
Mom
rips
open
the
hamburger
helper
package,
yeah,
and
what
happens?
Poof,
presto
in
an
instant.
Right.
They're
in
their
dining
room,
mom
and
dad
leaning
forward,
daughter
leaning
with
them,
you
know,
and
the
promise
is
hey,
tear
open
that
hamburger
helper,
and
you
know,
there's
your
family
right
there
around
you.
And
if
you
watch
the
ads,
whether
it's
McDonald's
or
Kentucky
Fried
Chicken
or
ads
for
Frisbee's,
you
know,
ads
for
the
Hot
Wheels,
right?
You're
alone
in
your
room,
all
of
a
sudden
you
click
the
Hot
Wheel
pieces
together,
and
what
happens?
The
lonely
room
transforms,
friends
appear,
racing
cars
together,
right?
Ads
just
sell
us
on
this
promise.
They
say,
Look,
you
know
why
your
people
aren't
here?
You
just
don't
have
the
right
stuff.
If
you
just
have
the
hamburger
helper,
if
you
just
have
the
Hot
Wheels
set,
your
people
will
show
up.
And
the
rub
is,
as
children,
this
is
what
we
know
in
the
field
of
psychology,
children
believe
advertisers
the
same
way
they
believe
their
parents
and
their
teachers.
So
children
actually
believe
a
hamburger
helper
will
bring
your
family
near,
Hot
Wheels
will
bring
your
friends
into
your
bedroom.
And
so
we
start
to
get
hooked
on
this
idea
if
I
could
just
get
the
right
stuff,
my
people
will
come.
And
this
is
the
sort
of
this
is
consumer
culture's
trick.
It
knows
we
long
for
our
people.
And
so
it
uses
that
and
exploits
that
to
get
us
hooked
on
consumption.
And
it
does
the
same
thing
actually
to
get
us
hooked
on
on
producing.
Because
we
get
to
school
age,
we
go
to
school,
teachers
start
to
say,
hey,
succeed,
achieve,
get
a
perfect
score.
We
come
home
with
that
Red
A
plus,
and
our
parents
go,
great
job,
and
they're
proud
of
us.
We
come
home
with
a
report
card
full
of
them.
Our
parents
go,
look
at
that.
And
they
take
us
out
for
ice
cream.
We
go,
look,
this
might
work.
Yeah.
Achieve
really
well,
people
will
notice
me,
like
give
me
attention,
I'll
finally
be
seen,
my
people
will
appear.
And
so
early
on
in
life,
we
get
hooked
on
this,
you
know,
uh
acquiring
stuff
and
achieving,
um,
really,
you
know,
fueling
consumer
culture.
Um,
but
it's
really
just
a
trick,
it's
a
treadmill.
It
never
actually
takes
us
where
we
want
to
go
to
that
pub
in
Ireland
where
we
feel
like,
hey,
there
I
am,
I
belong
here.
That's

The Hero’s Journey Back To Village

8:32

right.
Yes,
I
I
belong
here.
Uh
and
when
you're
talking
about
the
village,
I
read
one
of
your
articles,
the
hidden
truth
in
every
hero's
journey,
what
Christopher
Robin,
Winnie
the
Pooh,
and
Joseph
Campbell
teaches
us.
Can
you
talk
about
that
with
Winnie
the
Pooh
and
the
Village?
Because
I
I
really
enjoyed
that.
No,
I
appreciate
that.
Yeah,
it's
uh
uh
I
appreciate
reading
the
article,
and
it's
a
charming
story,
so
thanks
for
asking.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You
know,
in
1949,
Joseph
Campbell
wrote
a
book
called
The
Hero
with
a
Thousand
Faces.
Okay.
And
the
premise
of
his
book
was
this:
that
in
every
great
story,
you'll
find
as
you'll
find
this
similar
narrative.
Whether
you're
opening
a
children's
book,
whether
you're
opening
a
sci-fi
trilogy,
whether
you're
reading
a
script
for
a
Hollywood
blockbuster,
in
all
of
them,
the
same
thread,
the
same
narrative
is
woven
through
it.
And
he
called
it
the
hero's
journey.
And
it
has
three
parts.
The
hero
departs,
he
leaves
his
ordinary
life,
the
hero
transforms,
he
goes
on
some
journey
that
changes
him,
then
the
hero
returns.
And
in
our
culture,
we
tend
to
think
of
this
as
in
a
very
individual
individualistic
way.
We
think
of,
you
know,
the
common
townsfolk
who
leaves
the
town,
goes
out
to
slay
the
dragon,
along
the
way,
grows
and
becomes
somebody
bigger
than
he
was
before,
and
returns
home.
And
on
his
return,
what
does
he
get?
He
gets
the
princess's
hand
in
marriage.
Or
he's
handed
the
big
pot
of
gold,
or
the
crown
is
placed
on
his
head.
And
we
think
of
it
as
a
story
of
individual
triumph.
But
really,
I
think
so
many
of
these
heroes'
journeys
really
don't
aren't
about
ending
in
individual
glory.
They're
much
more
about
the
return
to
the
village.
Um
I'll
explain
what
I
mean
using
using
that
story
of
Christopher
Robin
and
Winnie
the
Pooh.
Right?
I
read
those,
my
parents
read
those
stories
to
me
when
I
was
three
years
old
as
bedtime
stories.
So
they're
they're
very
familiar
to
me.
In
fact,
the
books
are
sitting
here
in
my
office
on
a
bookshelf
not
too
far
from
me
right
now.
But
the
story
of
Christopher
Robin,
it
begins
with
really
sadness.
It's
a
story
of
a
young
boy
who's
left
alone
in
his
room
by
parents
who
are
busy
with
social
engagements
and
work
commitments.
He
doesn't
have
aunts
or
uncles
around.
And
what
does
he
do?
He
does
what
children
do
that
is
just
remarkable.
He
dreams
up
the
world
he
wants
to
be
a
part
of,
right?
He
dreams
up
this
hundred-acre
wood
and
he
fills
it
with
the
stuffed
animals
to
come
alive.
Right?
So
you've
got
Piglet
and
his
constant
worry,
you've
got
rabbit
and
his
need
for
order,
you've
got
Tigger
and
the
boundless
energy,
and
of
course
you
have
Winnie
the
Pooh,
and
who
I
think
sort
of
embodies
stillness
and
compassion
because
he
kind
of
moves
to
the
world
with
a
honey,
honey
sort
of
sweetness.
And
what
happens
uh
in
the
Hundred
Acre
Wood
with
Christopher
Robin
and
his
imagined
friends?
Well,
remarkably,
they
just
go
on
small
adventures
together,
right?
They
find
Eeyore's
tail
and
stick
it
back
on
Eeyore,
or
Pooh
goes
to
Rabbit's
house,
eats
too
much
honey,
gets
stuck
in
his
hole,
stuck
on
the
way
out
in
Rabbit's
hole,
and
they
have
to
pull
them
out
together.
Um,
you
know,
or
they
chase
imaginary
heffalumps
and
woozles.
But
what
happens
along
the
way
in
these
adventures?
Well,
what
happens
is
they
start
to
belong
to
each
other.
They
come
together
and
they
become
a
village
of
sorts.
And
that's
really,
I
think,
the
story
of
Winnipeg
Pooh.
It's
the
story
of
this
lonely
boy
who
dreams
up
a
village
and
then
becomes
a
part
of
that
village
he
dreams
up
of.
And
that
I
think
is
really
the
journey,
the
real
hero's
journey
for
all
of
us
to
take.
That
we
arrive
here
in
the
isolation
of
consumer
culture.
Uh,
and
we
need
to
find
our
way
back
to
our
own
villages,
to
that
place
of
belonging,
to
our
own
Irish
pubs
where
we
feel,
ah,
I've
arrived,
I'm
here.
Like
in
cheers,
when
Norm
arrives
and
cheers,
and
they
all
go,
Norm!
He's
known,
he's
home,
right?
Now,
I'm
not
suggesting
the
pub
is
our
true
village.
Right,
right.
But
thematically
we
get
the
idea,
right?
Right.
Well,

Grief, Caregiving, And Shared Support

12:29

and
in
terms
of
when
um,
you
know,
when
you're
a
caregiver
or
you're
going
through
an
illness
or
even
any
type
of
traumatic
event,
you
do
feel
very
lonely.
And
to
find
that
village
of
somebody
that
understands
you,
like
I
always
think
of
when
you're
talking
about
Winnie
the
Pooh,
how
they
always
say
Eeyore
kind
of
basically
had
he
was
depressed,
but
his
friends
accepted
him
that
way,
you
know.
Right,
right.
You
know,
like
they
didn't
try
to
make
him
say
you
have
to
be
positive.
They
just
they
comforted
him
when
he
could,
right,
you
know,
with
it.
And
you
talk
about
too
how
we
hear
a
lot
about
how
loneliness
and
the
mental
health
crisis,
like
how
do
we
how
do
we
go
about
like
how
do
we
find
those
villages
of
the
people
that
just
kind
of
they
get
us,
you
know,
and
you
feel
accepted.
Yeah.
So
there's
two
things
you
said
I
want
to
res
I
want
to
I
want
to
talk
about.
One
is
something
really
important
that
you
shared,
which
is
grief
and
isolation,
because
as
you
pointed
out,
or
loss
and
isolation,
or
trauma
and
isolation,
and
how
difficult
that
is,
because
we're
really
not
wired
to
go
through
these
things
alone.
That's
just
not
how
we're
wired
as
humans.
I
mean,
the
way
it
used
to
work
in
in
you
know
villages
of
long
ago,
even
in
even
in
villages
today,
the
few
that
remain,
in
many
of
them,
is
you
know,
if
you
were
a
young
child
and
we'll
just
say
your
your
father
had
died,
for
example,
you
know,
what
would
happen
would
be,
you
know,
the
village
would
lay
down
everything.
If
someone
was
sharpening
a
spear,
they'd
put
the
spear
down.
If
someone
was
cooking,
they'd
stop
the
cooking.
And
if
someone
was
weaving,
they'd
stop
weaving.
And
they'd
come
together
and
they'd
form
a
circle
around
you.
And
they'd
arrive
and
they'd
stay.
Not
just
for
hours,
but
sometimes
for
days,
sometimes
for
weeks.
And
they
wouldn't
stay
and
ask
anything
of
you,
much
as
you
know,
no
one
asked
anything
of
Eeyore.
They
would
stay,
right?
They
would
stay
and
they
just
hold
this
still
space
where
it
would
be
whatever
comes
up
is
welcome
here.
And
they'd
hold
this
compassionate
space
where
you
could
feel
them
saying,
We
don't
want
you
carrying
this
alone.
This
is
too
much
for
you
to
bear
by
yourself.
We
want
to
be
here
to
carry
this
with
you.
And
in
that
space,
what
could
happen?
Well,
that
child's
grief,
that
child's
sadness,
that
child's
loss
could
start
to
just
bubble
up
and
erupt
out
of
them
because
they
would
know
there
was
room
for
it.
It
was
a
welcome
there.
And
they
could
just
allow
this
to
move
through
them.
Now,
this
isn't
some
instant
process
where
after
three
days
of
crying,
they're
fine,
their
father's
gone,
it's
no
problem,
right?
It's
just
a
process.
But
there
is
that
felt
sense
of
you
don't
have
to
carry
this
alone.
We
will
carry
this
together.
And
the
relief
that
comes
from
knowing
someone's
here
to
hold
me,
to
pick
me
up
and
keep
and
swoop
me
into
their
arms
and
let
me
know
I
don't
have
to
go
through
this
by
myself
is
is
transformative
in
terms
of
our
capacity
to
go
through
grief.
And
we've
in
many
ways
lost
that
in
our
culture.
Yes,
we
have.
And
in
many
ways,
modern
day
therapy
is
really
an
attempt
to
recreate
what
the
villages
already
had.
You
know,
that
really
is
in
some
ways
what
the
firelight
of
therapy
is,
right?
The
firelight
of
therapy
is
very
much
come
into
this
office,
let
me
hold
a
still
open
space
for
you.
And
in
this
space,
let
me
support
the
um
what's
the
word?
The
catharsis
of
what's
inside
you.
Let
it
come
on
out
of
you,
saying,
Let
me
hold
it
with
you
so
you
don't
have
to
hold
it
alone.
Um,
and
so
you
know,
we
do
have
these
venues
in
our
modern
culture
where
we
try
to
find
spaces
where
this
can
happen.
It's
just
not
everywhere.
It's
a
little
more
hidden
in
our
culture.
Yeah.
You
can
find
it
in
a
therapy
office,
you
might
find
it
in
a
church,
you
might
find
it
in
an
AA
group,
you
might
find
it
in
a
grief
circle.
They're
there,
but
our
culture
doesn't
point
to
them,
right?
What
does
our
culture
point
to?
The
headlines
say,
look
at
the
powerful
person,
look
at
the
rich
person,
right?
Yeah.
They
don't,
there's
never
a
headline
that
says,
you
know,
uh,
man
sits
beside
grieving
woman,
puts
arm
around
her,
says
nothing.
That's
never
headline
news,
right?
No.
And
yet
it's
the
most
important
thing
we
can
do
for
each
other.
It
is.
So,
you
know,
that's
why
it's
hard,
it's
hard
to
remember,
but
it's
still
there,
those
those
places
where
people
want
to
sit
with
us
in
our
grief,
in
our
trauma,
in
our
loss.
And
it's
really
important
we
find
those
places
so
that
we
don't
have
to
go
through
them
alone.
It
it
is,
because
you
do
feel
very
alone,
whether
you're
in
that
caregiving
process
or
when
that
your
loved
one
dies,
you
do.
Even
when
you're
in
a
room
full
of
people
who
have
all
lost
the
same
person,
you
still
feel
alone
because
you're
trying
then
to
figure
out
who
you
are
after
that
person
has
passed,
or
who
you
are
as
a
caregiver,
because
your
life
is
turned
completely
upside
down.
And
and
you
do,
you
just
you
feel
very
lost
and
alone
through
all
of
it
with
that.
And
I
think
it's
important
for
people
to
be
able
to
say
it's
okay
to
ask
for
help,
and
I
think
that's
part
of
finding
your
village,
because
I
think
we
think
it
it
makes
us
not
strong
if
we
ask
for
help.
And
absolutely.
And
and
we
need
to
ask
for
help.
It's
I
mean,
it's
hard,
it's
hard
to
do
it,
but
you
you
have
to
in
order
to
take
care
of
yourself
with
it.

Building Your Own Village In Real Life

17:38

So
do
you
think
it's
fixable,
this
loneliness
and
finding
the
village?
Like
how
do
we
find
our
way
back
to
each
other?
Yeah,
you
know,
I
mean,
look,
you
know,
I
I
think
in
many
ways
the
way
back
is
much
easier
than
we
imagine
it
to
be.
Uh,
because
I
think
it's
inside
of
us
already.
As
you
said,
you
walked
in
that
pub
and
there
it
was,
and
you
knew
I
have
a
sense
of
belonging
here.
It's
it's
it's
innate
in
us
to
want
it,
it's
innate
in
us
when
we
feel
it
to
want
more
of
it.
It's
just
the
fact
that
the
culture
sort
of
hides
these
places
from
us.
They're
not
obvious
or
evident
to
us.
And
you
know,
my
my
invitation
to
people
is
to
is
to
try
something.
You
know,
be
try
something
that
requires,
you
know,
a
little
bit
of
courage,
a
little
bit
of
bravery,
but
but
take
the
risk,
right?
See
if
you
can
find
a
group
of
five,
six,
seven,
up
to
twelve
people,
you
know,
perhaps
an
interpersonal
processing
group
in
a
therapist's
office,
as
one
example
of
many,
you
know,
and
set
aside
three
hours
a
week
to
sit
down
together
as
that
group
and
just
uh
do
what
the
culture
doesn't
allow
us
to
do.
You
just
pointed
out
the
culture
doesn't
allow
us
to
do.
Because
as
you
just
said,
in
some
ways,
right,
we
live
in
a
culture
that
really
um
looks
for
positivity,
looks
for
cheerfulness,
uh,
wants
us
to
just
be
okay.
How
are
you?
I'm
fine.
Right.
Right?
You
know,
um
and
enter
this
group
and
go
ahead
and
let's
have
the
courage
to
just
speak
our
truth,
to
arrive
with
vulnerability,
to
arrive,
you
know,
with
willingness
to
share
those
soft,
tender
places
inside
of
us,
and
then
to
greet
each
other
in
that
space
with
soft
eyes
and
tender
hearts,
so
that
it
becomes
a
space
where
you
know
we
do
form
that
village
circle
where
stillness
and
compassion
can
grow.
Uh
and
you
know,
um,
from
that
space,
you
know,
when
I
brought
that
up
to
someone,
they
said,
Well,
that's
not
realistic.
Nobody
has
three
hours
a
week
to
just
spend
sitting
down
with
each
other.
We're
all
really
busy.
And
I
said,
Well,
in
some
ways
that's
true,
but
in
other
ways,
think
about
this,
right?
I
mean,
the
most
popular
sport
in
America
is
football,
right?
And
most
people
will
find
three
hours
a
week
to
sit
down
and
watch
a
football
game
every
Sunday.
Yeah,
and
sometimes
on
Thursday
and
Monday.
That's
right.
Yeah.
That's
right.
You
know,
so
if
you
could
find
three
hours
to
watch
a
football
game,
I'm
sure
we
can
find
each
three
hours
to
sit
with
each
other.
Because
once
we
start,
as
soon
as
we
start
and
we
feel
that
sense
of
place,
that
sense
of
belonging,
that
sense
of,
oh,
this
is
like
walking
into
cheers
and
having
everybody
say
norm,
we
feel
welcome
here.
We
want
to
go
back.
It
pulls
us
to
go
back,
you
know,
and
to
just
sit
in
that
space
with
those
people
to
get
to
know
each
other's
stories,
but
also
to
get
to
know
each
other's
hearts.
Because
what
starts
to
evolve
after
a
certain
amount
of
time
of
sitting
in
a
group
like
that
is
we
naturally
want
to
extend
our
care
to
each
other
outside
that
group.
We
start
to
say,
what
would
it
look
like
if
we
cared
for
each
other
outside
those
three
hours
each
week?
And
we
decide,
hey,
let's
bring
let's
bring
soups
to
each
other
when
someone's
sick.
Um
let's
offer,
let's
show
up
at
2
a.m.
when
someone's
in
crisis
and
needs
child
care.
Let's
call
on
Tuesday
morning
and
say,
Lisa,
how
are
you?
I've
been
thinking
about
you.
Are
you
okay?
Um
we
just
start
to
want
to
do
that
for
each
other.
And
as
soon
as
we
start
to
do
just
those
simple
things,
show
up
three
hours
a
week
to
talk
openly
and
start
to
extend
that
care
into
every
everyday
life,
just
that
alone
has
taken
us
back
to
at
least
some
version
of
that
village.
Because
all
of
a
sudden
we're
not
living
lives
all
by
ourselves.
There
are
lives
that
have
begun
to
be
woven
into
each
other,
that
have
begun
to
be
woven
together.
Our
sense
of
security
stops
coming
from
just
trying
to
build
that
individual
pile
of
wealth
and
starts
to
come
more
and
more
from
I've
got
you
because
you
got
me,
and
we've
got
each
other,
we've
got
each
other
covered
here.
Uh,
you
know,
and
that
safety
starts
to
settle
in
as
well.
Now,
you
know,
go
ahead.
You
jumped.
I
was
gonna
say,
what
do
you
say
to
somebody
who
isn't,
they
say
maybe
they're
not
a
group
joiner?
You
know,
like
how
about
if
they
are
around
people
that,
you
know,
maybe
they
feel
the
village
is
is
a
couple
dogs
or
a
few
cats,
or
or
maybe
for
them
it's
walking,
you
know,
walking
uh
in
nature.
That's
where
they
feel,
you
know,
their
safety
or
their
comfort.
Absolutely.
So
a
couple
things
I'm
glad
you
brought
that
up.
So
a
couple
things
about
that.
You
know,
I
think
um
people
have
brought
this
up.
Well,
that
feels
like
too
much
for
me.
I
don't
think
I
want
to
sit
down
with
a
group
of
people
for
Three
hours.
I
think
that
freaks
me
out.
You
know?
Well,
then
find
the
group
of
people
you
join,
just
doing
something
that's
shared,
right?
If
you
like
to
hike
in
the
woods,
find
the
hiking
group,
right?
If
you
like
to
play
pickleball,
find
the
pickleball
group,
right?
At
least
begin
in
that
way.
Begin
to
form
those
communities
that
center
around
the
things
you
already
love
that
are
easy
to
join
and
use
that
as
the
starting
point
to
start
to
build
those
connections.
You
know,
and
then
as
you
spend
time
with
those
people,
just
start
to
linger
a
little
bit
more,
start
to
lounge
a
little
bit
more.
Don't
hurry
off
at
the
end
of
the
pickleball
game
or
the
end
of
the
hike
if
you
don't
have
to.
You
know,
um,
so
that
you
make
time
for
each
other
and
just
allow
the
connection
to
happen
in
that
slow,
easy
space
of
just
being
with
each
other.
Well,
and
too,
and
when
you're
going
through,
like
you
you
said,
that
we're
not
wired
for
the
trauma
and
everything.
When
you
are
going
through,
whether
it's
a
caregiver
or
or
it's
grief,
to
allow
yourself
that
time,
even
if
it
is
an
hour
or
two
playing
pickleball
or
going
for
a
hike,
it's
important
to
help
to
help
you
with
your
mental
health
with
all
of
that.
Even
though
we
we
think
we
should
be
more
productive,
but
absolutely.
It's
the
funny
thing,
right?
The
time
we
most
need
to
slow
down
is
when
we're
most
anxious.
We
don't
think
we
can.
Yes.
Right?
The
time
we
mostly
do
the
people
is
the
time
where
we
feel
like
nobody's
gonna
want
me
the
way
I
am
right
now,
right?
You
know,
because
you
know,
sometimes
we
feel
like,
man,
I'm
just
in
a
I'm
just
sad
right
now,
nobody's
gonna
want
to
be
around
me.
If
we
can
find
those,
if
we
can
find
those
people
who
are
comfortable
with
just
whoever
we
are,
as
you
know,
the
uh
the
folks
in
the
poof
were
with
Bior.
If
we
can
find
those
people
that
are
just
okay
with
us
being
that
way,
suddenly
we
feel
okay
with
being
that
way,
right?
Because
a
real
important
part
of
what
we
really
need
so
much
of
is
compassion.
And
what
is
compassion
at
the
heart
of
it
all?
Well,
compassion
is
just
the
ability
to
keep
our
heart
open
to
whatever
is
rising
up,
to
whatever
life's
bringing
in
this
moment.
Maybe
it's
joy,
maybe
it's
beauty,
but
maybe
it's
suffering.
And
so,
you
know,
when
we
arrive
with
compassion
or
somebody
meets
us
with
compassion,
and
we're
in
a
place
of
sadness,
we
go,
oh,
it's
okay
to
be
sad.
And
suddenly,
whew,
I'm
not
fighting
my
sadness
anymore.
It's
just
okay
that
I'm
here.
And
the
relief
of
being
okay
with
where
we
are
is
is
what
we
all
need
all
the
time.
My
mom
used
to,
for
her
with
her
really
good
friends,
when
they
would
say,
Oh,
I'm
fine,
and
she
knew
stuff
was
going
on,
she'd
look
at
them
and
go,
No,
you're
not.
You're
not
fine.
Now
tell
me
what's
wrong.
She
would
be
like
That's
right,
go
mom,
let
you
go,
right?
Like,
come
on,
let's
be
real
with
each
other
here,
right?
We're
only
on
this
planet
for
a
little
bit
of
time.
Right.
The
least
we
can
do
with
this
time
together
is
be
willing
and
willing
to
tell
each
other
the
truth
so
that
we
can
feel
like
we're
all
going
through
this
truth
together.
Yeah,
and
I
think
that's
why
people
kind
of
came
to
her
because
she,
you
know,
she
was
that
safe
space
for
people.
You
know,
she
didn't
she
she
didn't
expect
people
to
be
happy
all
the
time.
You
know,
she
I
don't
want
to
say
she
embraced
the
sadness,
but
it
didn't
bother
her
if
people
were
sad.
You
know.
That's
the
way
to
live.
Yes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And
I
get
the
sense,
I
get
the
sense
you've
got
that
in
you
too,
Lisa.
Uh
well,
yeah,
be
you
know.
Well,
my
mom
had
a
lot
of
tragedies
growing
up
and
stuff,
so
I
think
she
just
knew
that
that
was
part
of
life,
you
know.
Uh-huh.
So
that
that's
it,
right?
It's
part
of
all
our
lives,
right?
Nobody
nobody
gets
nobody
escapes
this
life
free
from
trauma,
free
from
loss,
free
from
grief.
Yeah,
you
know,
as
much
as
we'd
like
that
to
happen,
that's
just
not
the
reality
of
it.

Stillness, Compassion, And Being Present

25:37

With
it
You
also
say
on
the
path
home,
we
need
we
need
two
companions,
stillness
and
compassion.
Why
do
you
why
do
you
say
those
two?
You
know,
I'll
tell
you
what,
these
there
are
these
researchers,
and
what
they
did
was
they
studied
methods
to
wholeness.
Um,
like
what
are
the
things
that
that
lead
us
to
a
sense
of
wholeness
within
ourselves,
that
lead
us
to
a
sense
of
wholeness
together,
a
sense
of
being
connected
to
each
other.
And
what
they
did
was
they
studied
um
mythic
traditions
that
lent
themselves,
that
led
to
wholeness.
They
studied
depth
psychologies,
they
studied
theories
of
counseling,
and
they
metaphorically
pulled
out
a
scalpel
and
cut
open
this
um
these
deaf
psychology,
they
cut
open
the
theory
of
counseling,
they
cut
open
the
spiritual
tradition,
uh,
and
they
said,
what
is
it
inside
of
these
things
that
leads
people
to
wholeness?
And
what
they
found
in
many
ways
amazed
them.
There
were
just
two
elements,
two
common
factors,
two
gentle
forces,
I
call
them
two
golden
threads,
that
they
found
inside
every
one
of
these
methods.
And
they
were
stillness
and
compassion.
That
whenever
stillness
and
compassion
were
present,
these
methods
led
to
wholeness.
And
when
they
were
absent,
they
didn't.
And
um,
you
know,
uh
researchers
studying
just
psychology
alone
found
out
that
it
doesn't
really
matter
what
modality
your
therapist
practices,
as
long
as
they
hold
a
still
compassionate
stance,
um,
the
therapy
tends
to
be
quite
effective.
It
matters
far
more
than
any
method
they
might
use.
And
so,
you
know,
let
me
just
say,
what
are
stillness,
what
are
compassion,
right?
So
what
are
they?
What
do
they
mean,
right?
And
by
stillness,
what
I
mean
is
the
ability
to
show
up
in
this
moment,
right
here,
right
now,
free
from
judgment,
free
from
expectation,
just
open,
just
curious,
huh?
What
is
this
moment
going
to
bring
me?
What's
coming
here?
Right?
And
then
there
is
compassion,
which
is
once
we
arrive
in
this
moment,
keeping
our
heart
wide
open
to
it,
right?
To
whatever
life
is
bringing,
the
beauty,
the
suffering,
so
that
if
we
arrive
in
this
moment
and
find
our
own
pain,
we
stay
open
to
it.
If
we
arrive
in
this
moment
and
see
pain
in
the
stranger's
eyes,
we
stay
open
to
that.
If
we
arrive
in
this
moment
and
see
the
loneliness
in
a
loved
one's
um
stance,
we
stay
open
to
that
as
well.
And
you
know
what
um
and
what
we
find
when
we
feel
this
still
compassion
sense
is
hey,
I
want
to
keep
living
this
way.
When
we
arrive
in
those
moments,
we've
all
had
those
moments,
right,
where
we
just
feel,
ah,
I'm
just
right
here
in
this
very
still
moment,
my
heart
is
wide
open.
We
feel
like,
man,
if
I
could
just
stay
here,
this
would
be
great.
This
would
be
so
good.
I
would
love
to
just
be
here
all
the
time.
That's
how
I
felt
in
Ireland,
not
just
in
the
pub.
Like
I
didn't
want
to
come
home.
Right.
I
just
it
was
it
was
it
was
the
stillness
and
it
was
the
beauty,
and
it
just
uh
yeah,
I
just
felt
so
good
there.
I
was
like,
do
I
have
to
come
home?
I
was
right,
right.
You
know,
and
it's
funny
because
these
are
in
many
ways
the
counter
forces
to
of
consumer
culture,
right?
Consumer
culture
promotes,
you
know,
striving,
achieving,
accumulating,
right?
Those
are
the
forces
that
drive
consumer
culture.
And
yet
the
forces
that
really
have
us
feel
settled,
that
bring
us
back
to
ourselves,
that
bring
us
back
to
each
other,
that
bring
us
back
to
the
village,
are
just
being
more
still,
more
compassionate.
And
the
wonderful
thing
about
stillness
and
compassion
is
they
are
innate
in
who
we
are,
unlike
striving
and
you
know,
accumulating,
which
in
some
ways
are
taught
to
us
by
the
culture.
Stillness
and
compassion
are
are
innate
in
all
of
us
from
the
time
we
arrived.
And
so
the
work
for
us
really
is
in
many
ways,
how
do
we
pull
them
out
from
inside
of
ourselves
so
we
can
hold
hands
with
them
in
our
everyday
lives?
And
of
course
I
can
talk
about
that,
but
I
just
wanted
to
get
to
that
space.
And
I
think
that's
hard
for
people
because
it's
scary
to
be
still.
It's
it's
much
easier
to
be
busy,
busy,
busy
and
not
be
still
and
face
what
whatever
it
is
that's
going
on
because
it's
it's
hard.
That's
right.
If
I
stop,
everything
that
I've
been
running
from,
everything
that
I've
been
hurrying
away
from
will
finally
catch
up
to
me.
That's
the
fear,
right?
And
as
some
of
my
clients
would
say,
if
I
start
crying,
I'm
gonna
cry
forever.
Right.
So
don't
get
me
to
start
crying
right
now,
because
you
don't
want
to
see
me
cry
forever,
and
I
don't
want
to
see
me
cry
forever.
And
I'm
saying,
no,
no,
no,
that's
not
how
it
works.
You
know,
slow
down,
come
in
this
moment.
If
the
tears
come,
I'll
hold
them
with
you.
And
don't
worry.
You
know,
the
crying
will
just
you'll
there'll
be
a
lightness
that
comes
as
you
start
to
empty
that
bucket
that's
been
that's
been
filled
up
inside
of
you.

Dementia Lessons, Resources, And Closing

30:21

The
one
thing
that
I
did
learn
uh
with
my
mom
with
her
dementia
is
that
people
who
have
dementia,
Alzheimer's,
they
truly
do
live
in
that
moment
because
that
is
all
they
know.
Right.
So
being
there
with
her,
I
learned
more
and
more
how
to
be
present
in
that
moment
because
one
moment
she
you
know,
I
would
joke
with
her.
She'd
be
like,
she
was
hot,
and
then
two
minutes
later
she
was
cold.
I'd
be
like,
You're
hot,
cold,
hot,
cold,
you
know.
Um
but
I
learned
more
how
to
be
mindful
and
to
be
in
that
moment
with
her
because
that
was
the
only
moment
I
had
with
that.
Right.
You
know,
and
it
is
really
hard
to
do
in
general
to
find
that,
but
by
being
mindful,
you
can
kind
of
try
to
find
your
village
again.
And
your
book,
The
Village
Solution,
it
is
on
your
website,
correct?
Yes,
there's
a
sample
chapter
there.
Okay.
And
now
is
it
available
to
purchase
anywhere?
Not
yet.
It's
uh
not
quite
yet
in
print.
It's
coming
soon,
but
it's
not
out
yet.
Okay.
Um
so
if
people
wanted
to
learn
more
about
all
this,
they
can
go
to
your
website,
correct?
Yes,
the
website
has
sample
chapters,
um,
it
has
uh
free
free
hour
talks
people
can
attend.
Uh
there's
uh
sign
up
for
a
newsletter.
Uh
there's
there's
a
fair
bit
there
for
people
to
to
learn
more.
Okay.
And
it's
Carl
Nassar.com
slash
landing.
Is
that
correct?
Or
is
that
you
can
just
do
carlnassar.com.
Okay.
That'll
work.
That'll
get
them
right
there.
That'll
get
them
right
there
for
that.
And
then
and
you
also
have
a
lot
of
that's
where
I
found
a
lot
of
your
articles,
which
I
thought
were
very
interesting
as
well.
Yeah.
Because
you've
been
in
psychology
today
for
a
lot
of
times,
correct?
Yeah,
for
a
couple
of
years
I've
been
writing
a
column,
call
a
regular
column
for
them.
Oh,
okay.
So
yeah,
you
can
uh
people
can
get
your
your
um
your
articles
and
that.
Uh
I
was
talking
earlier.
Have
you
speaking
of
Winnie
the
Pooh,
but
did
you
ever
read
the
the
Tao
of
Pooh
and
the
Tay
of
Piglet?
The
Tao
of
Pooh
is
sitting
just
across
from
me
over
here.
Okay.
Very
familiar
with
it.
I
never
did
pick
up
the
second
book.
Okay.
I
must
admit
to
not
having
the
second
one.
But
uh
I
bought
that
back,
I
think,
in
the
early
90s,
was
it
when
it
first
came
out?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Loved
that
book.
I
absolutely
fell
in
love
with
it.
Yeah.
People
can
learn
a
lot
from
Winnie
the
Pooh.
I
agree.
Yeah.
I'm
right
there
with
you.
Yeah.
Yes.
So,
you
know,
and
even
though
we're
feeling
lonely,
we
need
to
find
our
village,
whoever
they
are.
That's
right.
Whether
it's
a
pig
and
a
bunny
and
a
bear
and
a
bouncing
tigger.
Um,
you
know,
we
whatever,
whatever
eclectic
set
of
characters
it
takes,
finding
our
way
back
to
each
other
is
what
matters
so
much.
Yes,
and
that
can
help
you
through
all
of
the
hard
times
in
life
for
it.
Absolutely.
Thank
you
so
much
for
joining
us.
I've
learned
so
much
today.
Yeah,
I
really
enjoyed
my
time
with
you.
Thanks,
Lisa,
for
having
me
on
and
for
having
the
show
in
the
first
place.
And
what
a
beautiful
way
to
honor
your
mother.
Well,
thank
you.
So,
well,
I
hope
everybody
has
enjoyed
this
episode.
Hopefully,
we
can
help
you
find
your
village.
Uh
so
uh
please
make
sure
you
leave
a
review,
like
us,
subscribe
to
us
on
YouTube,
and
hopefully
you
enjoyed
your
cup
of
coffee,
your
cup
of
tea,
or
if
you
had
that
really
bad
day,
a
glass
of
wine,
and
just
know
you
are
not
alone.
And
join
us
for
another
edition
of
Patty's
Place.