Category: Podcasts

Welcome And Meet Laura Sharp Waits

SPEAKER_00
0:06

Welcome to Patty's Place, a place where we'll talk about grief, dementia, and caregiving. I name this podcast in honor of my mom, Pat, who passed away from dementia about two and a half years ago. I'm your host, Lisa, and this is a place where we will know that you're not alone. So grab your cup of coffee, your cup of tea, or if you're having a really bad day, your glass of wine. And let's get to talking

When You Wake Up Exhausted

SPEAKER_00
0:26

today. Today I'm very excited. My guest is Laura Sharp Waits, she's a licensed minister and the voice behind At the Counter with the Baking Pastor. She creates space for people to slow down, breathe, and reconnect with God in the middle of everyday life, especially in seasons that feel heavy, uncertain, or hard to name. Welcome, Laura. Welcome to Patty's Place.

SPEAKER_03
0:48

Thank you, Lisa, for having me.

SPEAKER_00
0:51

And you know, today it's kind of gloomy here in Joliet, like it's gonna rain again. So I could really uh I think it's a good day that we're talking about all of this because some days I do find it's kind of hard to find God. So how do you keep going when you wake up tired and just you just don't know where you're going? What do you do?

SPEAKER_03
1:13

I suggest that you kind of take an inventory of what all's going on in your brain. Sometimes your brain's so full because you've got so much going on. And if you stop and pause and are willing to journal, I know some people prefer to do it on their phones, but there's an act of the the coming from the brain down the arm to the pen to a journal where you can just kind of download all of your thoughts and it clears your head up, and then you can say, okay, what's going on? I'm grateful that I can get all that in my head. It's gloomy, but that means it may rain. So we can be grateful for that.

SPEAKER_00
1:52

So spending time on the little itty bitty moments, which is hard to do, especially when you're caregiving or you're going through grief or a lot of things are going on because you just you feel lost in all of the big things. So it's it's hard to find those grateful moments for those little things at times. So how how how does somebody try to stay connected with God when you when you just feel really distant and fragile?

SPEAKER_03
2:22

Most times when people tell me they feel distant from God, it usually means they took a couple sidesteps.

SPEAKER_00
2:29

Okay.

SPEAKER_03
2:29

They weren't willing to work with God, give God their all, give the situation fully to Him. Like they would leave it at the altar and halfway back down the aisle, they'd kind of reach back up and grab it, and they're like, Yeah, I'm not ready to let go of that yet. But you know, I call the power of she were arm, you're just reaching for it and you don't leave it. But if you are away from God, usually it's because you stepped away. And so I usually just suggest get back into your into your Bible, do your devotions. But most of all, he's there to be our best friend. He's there. We can talk to him all during the day, not just when we need something. So for me, I have time specially scheduled in the morning for coffee with God. My cat and I grab the devotionals and the Bible, and I try and juggle her and the Bible in the coffee cup, which get challenging sometimes. And then I talk to him all during the day. For instance, uh, before this podcast, Lord, be with us on this podcast. Allow what you want to be heard. I talk to him all during

Feeling Far From God Again

SPEAKER_03
3:30

the day. Um, I laugh at myself and I'm thinking, wow, Lord, you're gonna have a fun time with this today, aren't you?

SPEAKER_00
3:36

Yeah, someday, you know, sometimes that's uh that old saying, if you don't laugh, you're gonna cry, right? Yes. So what do you do in seasons where you know life just doesn't look the way you expected it to do?

SPEAKER_03
3:53

That can be almost any day and almost any time, right?

SPEAKER_00
3:57

Exactly.

SPEAKER_03
3:58

Uh it can be for a whole host of reasons, but I love to tell people to find your special group, your your prayer partners, the people you can go to, your your go-to community, that if you have a I have a group text set up with a few of my favorite special people. And if I'm on the struggle bus, I'll text them a message and say, pray for me, y'all. I need help. I don't know what's going on, but just pray. And knowing that people are out there, they're not judging, they're not saying, oh, here we go again, they're just gonna pray and lift up whatever if I share, if not, they know just to pray whatever's going on. But have those people you can go to uh if they're close. Mine aren't necessarily close to where I am, so I can text them. But if you're close and can go grab a cup of coffee and just sit and hang out, that would be awesome. But make sure you have your your group of folks, and if you are navigating caregiving or a health issue yourself, please get on the prayer list. Too many people tell me, oh, I don't want anybody to know. Well, people can't pray for you if they don't know. So please add yourself, have everybody you know add you to the prayer list. I I did that when I went through breast cancer. It was the first thing I said. Put me on your prayer list because this is gonna be a journey.

SPEAKER_00
5:17

Oh, definitely. I like your saying uh I'm on the struggle bus today. I like that saying because some days it does feel that way. You're just like, I don't know what to do with it. How do you how do you tell somebody how do they carry grief or loss without feeling so alone in it? Because you do, you feel alone.

SPEAKER_03
5:39

You you can feel alone. I I've experienced that and I've watched my clients walk with that as well uh as a pastoral counselor. And again, I think that's part of having that that go-to group where you can just take your baggage because grief is one of those things like a snowball coming down from the highest mountain, and it collects

Prayer Partners And Asking For Help

SPEAKER_03
6:00

everything along the way with the grief. There, if you're a caregiver, usually you start the grief process the moment they get that diagnosis, and then it goes through, and it picks up the guilt because I'm not being a good enough caregiver, or I'm neglecting my family and my other duties because this a person, so gr uh, guilt, shame, any emotion you want to throw in their anger, anger maybe a god, uh at themselves for not having other answers, the doctors, it just collects all of that. And it just feels sometimes like I think it's gonna just overwhelm you and just roll right over you and squish you. And then you still have to peel yourself up and attempt to move on. But if you've got folks in your corner that can help and be there just to support you and say, Hey, Lisa, I know you're struggling. Can I bring you a meal? Can can I can I stop and get your favorite coffee or tea? You know, it's just little things, it doesn't have to be anything major. It may even be, you know, can I come sit with your person for a few minutes while you just go take a break in another room?

SPEAKER_00
7:07

Yeah, sometimes it's true, those those little things that sometimes as caregivers you don't always want to ask for. And if somebody can volunteer and say, hey, I'm gonna go do this, that means the world, you know. For what do you say to somebody who's angry at God? Like if they're listening and they're like, I I'm just I don't want to talk about God, what would you say to them?

SPEAKER_03
7:30

Please tell him you're angry at him. He already knows, but he wants to hear from you. It would be like, again, your best friend. If your best friend, you're mad at them, they want to know, and they want to know why. And they want you to pour out your heart to them, and God wants you to pour out your heart to him. He didn't plan the situation per se, he may have allowed it, but he he didn't purposely go out to hurt you or your person that that you may be caregiving for, and it's okay to be angry. I would I've been angry at him several times. I laid on the living room floor when uh my first husband passed away, and the next day the ants got in the the air conditioner and shorted it out. Oh, and the next day the well broke, and it was just like I laid on the floor in tears, and and I'm in Savannah at the time in the summer. Oh, it is not no, you needed air conditioning, needed air conditioning and and running water, yeah, and I laid on the floor and I said, Lord, I've heard people say that you only give us so much, but I know that verse is not in the Bible, but I don't know where that came from, but I know you're you're either testing me or the enemy's testing me, but it's because I'm I I think I'm pretty close to more than I can handle. And I just cried out my heart and said, Help, protect me, send me folks to help, whatever. And the next day the guy showed up to fix the well. And unfortunately he said, Ma'am, I'm sorry, it's gonna be two weeks. And again, the Lord's like, tell him what's going on. And so I said, Look, my husband died two days ago.

Grief Snowballs And Anger At God

SPEAKER_03
9:10

I don't have any air and I don't have any water. I've got a hose from my neighbor's house and a cord for a fan. And he said, Holy moly, give me a minute. And he went and called and called every place within a couple hour radius to find the parts, called in people and was able to get it fixed. Called his wife, she brought over a hot meal and just hugged me when she came to the door. And again, it when you're going through something, you don't necessarily want to ouch yourself and you know tell all your business. But it was one of those things it was like, okay, Lord, I'm I'm gonna trust you. You're telling me to tell, so I'm gonna tell. And that was a really challenging time because I was very angry with every weird little aspect of what was going on. But I was honest, I told him, and he brought some some answers and some some solutions to the situations I was dealing with. So please don't don't make that wall permanent between you and him. If things are rocky, please step back together, fix it, apologize, just like you would your best friend.

SPEAKER_00
10:15

Uh my grandma always used to say that God doesn't give me anything that I can't handle, you know, so therefore I can handle it. But I agree with you, like some days I'm like, okay, God, I've had enough. Why can't you give this to someone else right now? You know, or she always used to like to say, uh, what doesn't um what doesn't kill you make you stronger? And it's like, okay, enough. You know, I'm strong enough. I'm strong enough. Can you like you know, spread the wealth type of a thing? Because it does feel that way. And I I'm I I always joke that I in an emergency, I I'm fine. Like I handle the big stuff. I don't like collapse during that. But my TV breaks or something, and I like just start crying. Like it's the little things that that's where it's it's too much. And it does feel that way, doesn't it? Or like one happens and then another happens, and you just like, I can't take it anymore with it. Um so how do you begin to notice God's presence in the ordinary everyday moments? Because when you have all this going on, you you do get lost in those little moments.

SPEAKER_03
11:28

You will notice things like if you have a pet, they'll come over and nudge you and they'll just want to give you comfort. Maybe you'll find something you've been looking for for a while, uh, a butterfly land outside or a bird on the ledge. Maybe you're I live in the country, so if I'm walking to get my mail, I may see butterflies or birds or flowers or clouds. And I stop and just take a moment and say, Thank you, Lord. Thank you for bringing me outside to see the beautiful sunrise or sunset or all these pretty flowers, and just take a sec. Uh and I even go way back. So if I'm looking at we got rain the other day, a bunch of rain. We're kind of in a drought. I was like, thank you, Lord, for the rain for our crops, because the farmers need the rain. And thank you for the farmers who you've trained to do that. Thank you for the tractors and people who work on them. Thank you for people who created them. Thank you for truckers that hauled that food to our grocery stores. And just start spending time thanking him for all the things I do see. And it's amazing. It doesn't take much gratitude, but just a little sometimes is is enough to get that struggle bus in first gear.

SPEAKER_00
12:42

You know, they I I have read about that, and when I am able to do that, some days I'm better at than others, but I do notice that when you take those moments and a little thing, you know, like I saw a cute dog today, thank you for that, or that it does slowly you do change your, I don't want to say your attitude, but like the way you see things uh for it. But it can be hard at times when you feel like it it's that fine line of that kind of that victim mentality, and then you know, knowing you can get through it, because you do feel very um very overwhelmed on some days with it, or you just feel very alone and sad too, or angry. All or sometimes you feel it all within like five minutes of each other uh with it. So what does it really mean then to try to slow down when everybody and everything around you is just pushing for more? Like you can't, you feel like you're drowning. How do you how do you find that that slowness?

SPEAKER_03
13:41

Well, I try and remember number one, the culture kind of created that fast pace, right? Um, we've got uh TikTok, you know, 30 seconds, we've got most TV shows, they come on, they state the problem, they fix the problem, even with the commercials, it's over in 30 minutes. We can't wait two and a half minutes for microwave popcorn. How in the world can we, you know, where's our quick fix or our magic pill? And unfortunately, most of the situations we're dealing with didn't happen overnight, and they're not gonna be resolved overnight. So when you you step back and and just take a deep breath, you know, if the TV doesn't turn on, mine didn't turn on yesterday, and I thought, what the heck? Yeah, and uh it was unplugged. So I thought, okay, guess the cat was active. So take a step back,

Noticing God In Ordinary Moments

SPEAKER_03
14:30

take a breath. And I could have, you know, blown off the handle. Why is it not working? But I was like, okay, Lord, there's gotta be a reason. And I looked, and sure enough, it was unplugged. But just taking a chance and pausing to see what's going on around you, you know. Oftentimes other people have done things or said things or have triggered you, but if you can take a second and realize they're not maybe they're not necessarily talking to you, they may be in generalizing or talking about someone else. But when we're already so tight with all those emotions, it can feel like everything's about us. But take a deep breath and and think that through. Did they really were they really saying that to me? Were they really being mead? Is this situation, you know, is it gonna be solved quickly, or do I need to take a couple more breaths?

SPEAKER_00
15:19

Yeah, it it is hard to, you know, to do that when you're in the middle of all of it. But I I do sometimes find myself being like, okay, just breathe. Just take a second, just breathe, you know, it'll just to slow that down uh with it. What would you say? What do you do? Like when a lot of times I think you feel people feel like they're stuck between where they've been and then what's next, you know, either through caregiving or through grief, because you're like this is what your life has been. Well, well, now what? How do they how do they move through that?

SPEAKER_03
15:56

Well, first they need to recognize that the grief is not just death, grief is any change. So if they were caregiving for someone and they had a routine, if that routine stops because that individual passes, now they have the loss of the person plus the loss of their routine. And so, in if that person was a a breadwinner, then maybe loss of income. And so you've got other things going on. So acknowledge what's going on in your life, you know, if your routine changes. In most cases, it's it takes a bit of time to to regroup and figure out what you're gonna do, but you don't have to make decisions overnight, you can do it in little baby steps, and just recognize what what all you're dealing with at the time, because it you very rarely today in today's culture do you have just one loss going on. You usually have a several, and when you've got several, it can be compound or complex grief, and you just you need to to figure out where all the components are coming from so you can address them and then attempt to find a solution through there. But if you try bulldozing right through, you're gonna end up loading up that truck and having all that stuff with you.

SPEAKER_00
17:12

And I think a lot of people like to bulldoze through it because they don't wanna they don't wanna feel in those uncomfortable feelings because cause they're not pleasant to feel. But I have found that when I try to feel what I'm feeling in that moment, no matter what it is, it kind of helps later on, you know. You know, because I don't know, like bulldozing through it doesn't always really work.

SPEAKER_03
17:38

Well, the bulldozing tends to be like the the quick fix, right? I'm just gonna bulldoze right through it and I'm done. But God made us to be emotional, he gave us emotions and feelings, and we really do need to feel those. We need to acknowledge them, what we're feeling, how it, you know, the impact it's having on us. And is it something we need to continue to deal with? And just because your person's been gone, I somebody the other day's person had been gone for a year and they said, Well, I guess I'm supposed to be over it. And I said, You know, there is no timeline on grief. It it comes and goes. If you need to feel it for two, three, four years, it's okay. You know, just because the world has this idea that it's it's time does not mean that it's time for you. It should be individually figured out.

SPEAKER_00
18:23

That's very true. You know, yeah, everyone's like, oh, it's that first year, and then yeah, you think, okay, and it and it's not, you know, um it was my third Mother's Day without my mom, and it it was still hard, you know, because it's like even though she wasn't a big Mother's Day person, you know, um it still was hard because the world makes it all about that. So you you you feel it even more uh, you know, before that. Those different those different milestones and stuff, they never they never go away with it's how you're

Slowing Down In A Fast Culture

SPEAKER_00
19:00

feeling. How do you hold on to hope when nothing around you seems to be changing?

SPEAKER_03
19:08

No, that God's there and he's got a plan and I need to be open to it. Uh my year, my word for the year this year was open, and it was to be open to him, open to his plans, meaning if he says something, I don't go, uh yeah, right. But I'm like, I mean, I still say, really? You want me to do what? Okay, so I I don't hesitate as much, so I'm more open, but be open to what he's doing and where he's leading you. If that particular season has closed, then he may have other plans for you. And it may not be sitting on the sofa in a dark house by yourself. It may be getting out there and meeting other people who have have dealt with what you went through. I know when I went through cancer, I actually can now look back at it and say it was a blessing. I got to meet amazing people, I had so many people, especially in medical facilities, pray over me. And had I not had cancer, I would never have met some dear friends I have now. So even in the worst thing you could possibly go through, there's a glimmer of hope. If you know um Psalm 23, even though I walk through the valley of the shadow, well, if you're in a shadow, you can't have a shadow without light. So if there's light, there's God, and that's what I hold on to for hope.

SPEAKER_00
20:36

It is sometimes what do you say to somebody who's like, I I get that, I hear what you're saying, but I just I can't see the light right now. It just all seems so dark.

SPEAKER_03
20:48

Assume that the light is there, okay, and it will find you and find a a buddy. And and I say that because I hopefully people have a support system. I know that there are people who are not. And if you don't have a support system, please go to my website and send me a message so that I can pray for you and check on you. I don't want anybody to have to suffer and not have people. It's tough enough when you've got people, and when you don't have people, it's even harder. But you know, I would ask that person, what's going on that you don't have hope? What what are you what do you are you not seeing that's right in front of you? Because you're you're focused maybe on something else. Um sometimes other things get in the way of what we should be, you know. Did you you you have a good cup of coffee? There's hope that there's gonna be another cup of coffee tomorrow or two or three, depending on the struggle bus, right?

SPEAKER_00
21:44

Yeah, depending on the day, yeah.

SPEAKER_03
21:48

Exactly. So uh you you just have to have hope.

SPEAKER_00
21:52

And you mentioned your website, so let's talk about that a little bit. So um your website is um I have it written down. Bakingpastor.com, correct? Correct. So if people go to your website, what kinds of things will they see?

SPEAKER_03
22:08

They will see some recipes in our blog. They will see some uh on Sundays. I do soul care Sunday per uh their little post to kind of make you think. I have uh blogs up there. I have oh my gosh, oh, on the homepage is a special edition soul pause journal. And soul pauses are what I have in my book and in my published journal. And people started asking for samples. So when I came on to start guesting, I created it and it's a PDF and you can download it. It's right there on the front page.

SPEAKER_00
22:41

Okay.

SPEAKER_03
22:42

Um there's there's prayers in it for different seasons that you may be going through. And oftentimes people say, Well, I want to pray, but I don't know what to pray. So I gave sample prayers, sample scripture that you could go to and check out for maybe noticing or if you're different thoughts you may be feeling. So definitely go check that out and maybe stay and listen to my podcast.

SPEAKER_00
23:06

Well, of course. Of course, they should listen to your podcast as well. And it's the baking pastor, correct?

SPEAKER_03
23:13

The podcast is at the counter with the baking pastor. At the counter with the baking pastor.

SPEAKER_00
23:18

So where can they get purchase your books as well? At the counter is the name of the book, the soul pause, the soul pause journal, correct?

SPEAKER_03
23:26

That is one of them. And the original book was at the counter spiritual

Grief Is Change And Has No Timer

SPEAKER_03
23:30

recipes for faith and everyday life. Both of those are on Amazon and the links are on my website.

SPEAKER_00
23:35

Okay. Um, I see them right here. So, and then you also offer some other oh, I see you have different um guides if people want to do it as a group as well, too.

SPEAKER_03
23:47

I have several churches right now on the uh East Coast who are doing this as a small group or a Bible study for their Sunday school class. And what's cool about the main book, the At-the-counter book, is there's recipes in there. So as a pastor, sometimes I need to break because someone had a baby or had surgery. And so pot pies is one of my favorites. So I have the traditional from scratch and then I have the shortcut because sometimes you find out that they had surgery the day of or the day before, and you don't have time to do a full-blown bake. But yeah, there's cookies and soup and all kinds of comfort food. So what's been cool is the the groups on the East Coast are actually making some of the recipes to bring and share so that they feel like they're having community time together as they work through the the weekly devotions.

SPEAKER_00
24:36

Oh, that's nice. And you know what? There is something about having comfort food. I believe that you just feel uh I I know I pulled up my mom's uh, she had like a makeshift recipe book that she put together and stuff, and that for a while there I was like making all of her recipes that she would she used to make because it just made me feel better. And and she was the one that taught me how to cook and bake. So I was like, it I felt close to her, you know. There's something about it. You're like, you just need to feel that um and have the comfort food with that. Definitely, definitely. So um that's another way people can try to, if they check out your website in your book, they can maybe find a little hope or take those few pauses to be able to maybe feel a little bit more connected uh with that.

SPEAKER_03
25:24

Um, like an example of one. I I just opened the book. Um, one of them says, What blessings have you carried with you through a hard season? Or who might be need a quick word of blessing from you this week? Sometimes the blessing is not necessarily for you. It's maybe God puts somebody on your heart and you text them a message. And I've done that before and just said, I don't know why, but God had me message you. And then I get back, you know, like 20 emojis that are crying. I've been waiting for to see if he was hearing me. Thank you. And so you know you were a blessing to them, and that blesses you.

SPEAKER_00
26:00

That's true. Yeah, sometimes, or like sometimes I'll find like little memes or different pictures or different things, and I'll sign and I'll be like, I was just thinking about you. This reminded me of you. And then like you could tell that that person um that cheered him up. My one friend, uh, she lost her her mom and her sister, I think almost 10 years ago now. And her mom used to love love giraffes. And so she told me one time that uh it seemed like every time I sent her a picture of a giraffe, it seemed to be a time that she was having really missing

Hope When Everything Feels Dark

SPEAKER_00
26:30

her mom and thinking about her mom, and then the giraffe would pop up, you know, like and I didn't know that. I wasn't, I was just like, oh, this made me think of you. So, like, that's true. You never know when you send a little something that that helps a person through the day with that.

SPEAKER_03
26:45

A little bit of love, and and it could be a meme, it can be a funny joke, it can be anything. You know, I I love those crazy dad jokes that you're just like head smack, you know. Um, and I've got one friend who I can send them to, and and I get back, oh my goodness, every time, or or something equivalent. Right. It doesn't take much, right? If if you know, because we don't know that they're not looking for hope today. We don't know what other people's situations are fully. So share, share the love and the joy as you can.

SPEAKER_00
27:15

And sometimes some days it is hard, but it's nice when somebody thinks of you like that and they sign you something and and to be able to say, Wow, I needed that today. You know, or like sometimes people say that, you know, if you just smile or say good morning or hello, sometimes that's what that person needed for the day.

SPEAKER_03
27:33

But that they I think a lot of people need to be need to feel seen and heard. And oftentimes if they're going through something like grief or or some type of loss, they don't feel seen. They feel they're in the background and the loss ends up forefront. And so to to see them, to mention them, to talk to them, and then let them share for a minute allows them to be seen and heard and feel more human again.

SPEAKER_00
28:00

I would agree with that, uh, definitely. Because people always like, you know, if you need anything, tell me if you need something or call me if you need anything. And and as the person who's going through all that, you're thinking, I don't know, I'm lucky I know my name today, let alone what I need. But those times when somebody showed up with a meal or or just sent you something silly, it made you laugh, you know, like you really appreciated that, you know, because because you do feel helpless on the other side because you don't always know what to do for that person, you know.

SPEAKER_03
28:34

So as a rule, I don't typically send sympathy cards. I wait a week or so because everybody knows everybody in their whole family is all together until the day of.

SPEAKER_00
28:43

Right.

SPEAKER_03
28:43

But then after the funeral, you go back to your home and you're usually alone. Yes. Everybody else goes back to work or wherever they're currently living, and it becomes very, very lonely. So I wait about a week and then I send a card or I'll take over a meal or I'll invite them to come out. Let's let's go have coffee. I'll pick you up. And they're gonna say, Oh, I don't think I'm ready to go out yet. Okay, well, can I bring coffee to you? Oh, yeah, that sounds good. So I I like to be there to support them because I know they've got a journey ahead of them. They've got their family to the point of the service, and then after that is when it seems like everybody just oh, they're gone.

SPEAKER_00
29:25

That that that is true, that's really true. It's like that

Resources Recipes And Closing Reminders

SPEAKER_00
29:30

that's like when it really starts. I mean, because all that busy stuff is done uh in that distraction, and now you're like boom, okay, now what do I do? How do I do this? You know, and it is those little things.

SPEAKER_03
29:44

And we can only have so many casseroles given to us, right?

SPEAKER_00
29:47

Exactly, exactly. You can only eat so many, you know. So your freezer is full. Exactly. And sometimes you need that person to be like, Yeah, let's go out, let's go for coffee, or go for a drink, or let's just, you know, I'll come over, we'll watch something silly together, you know. Um sometimes those are what you need for it for that. Um so your website again is baking pastor. Bakingpast.com for that. And people can get your book at the counter on Amazon and at the counter the Saul Soul Pause journal as well on Amazon too for that. Um and they can also check out your podcast too. We'll make sure we put a link to this with ours as well.

SPEAKER_03
30:33

You can. The episodes come out every Wednesday morning, so there'll be a new one tomorrow.

SPEAKER_00
30:38

Okay, for that. Well, thank you so much for joining us on Patty's Place today.

SPEAKER_03
30:44

Thank you so much for having me.

SPEAKER_00
30:46

So I hope everybody enjoyed our discussion and know that find those little things. God's always there. So I hope you enjoyed your cup of coffee, your cup of tea, or if that was a really bad day, your glass of wine, and know that you are not alone. Please leave us a review, follow us on, subscribe to us on YouTube, and hopefully you'll join us for another edition of Patty's Place.

SPEAKER_00
0:08

Welcome

Welcome To Patty’s Place

SPEAKER_00
0:09

to Patty's Place, a place where we'll talk about grief, dementia, and caregiving. I'm your host, Lisa. I named this podcast in honor of my mom, Pat, who passed away from dementia a little over two years ago. So grab your cup of tea, your cup of coffee, if you're having a really bad day, a glass of wine, and come join us as we talk about things. And just so you know you're not alone. That's what we're here for. So today my guest is Teresa Evans. She is an author and also she was an ICU nurse as well. So welcome, Teresa, to Patty's Place.

SPEAKER_01
0:38

Thank you. I'm happy to be here.

SPEAKER_00
0:40

So um we're happy to have you too. Your book is called Choosing to Die: A Daughter's Story of Supporting Her Mother's End of Life Through Assisted Death. Is that correct? Yes. Okay.

Teresa’s Story Behind The Book

SPEAKER_00
0:54

So tell us a little bit about yourself and how the book came about.

SPEAKER_01
0:59

Um, I'm Canadian, but I I've lived in the United States since I was uh 18, but all of my family lives in Canada. Okay. And um my mother um had a turkey childhood and um a lot of health issues that sort of plagued her, and then she had a heart attack when she was 60, and um her health just never really bounced back. She did have open heart surgery, but she had multiple health issues that were slowly but surely leading to uh a decline in her quality of life to the point where just before, I would say two years before her 80th birthday, she was really most of her days were spent in what I would call suffering, pushing for some relief from that. And we had tried every medical intervention known to man and um every non-medical intervention that we could come up with. And one day I just said, you know what, mom? You live in a country where you don't have to suffer. If this is intolerable for you and you want to explore MAID medical assistance in dying, I said, I'm not trying to off you, I don't think you think that by any means, right? But I said, I do want you to know that you do have a choice. I I personally I think the worst place is to feel backed up against the wall with no choice. Yes, and I didn't really know that she would explore it, but she did, and then she came back and said, Yep, I'm gonna do it. And um, that was a little bit shocking. I mean, of course, I supported her a hundred percent. So that's how this story started. And um, this was in 2020, so COVID was really raging at that point, and I I had lost my job, which was a travel job anyway. So I hopped in my car and I drove to Ontario and I spent three and a half months with her and my two sisters before she laid down and died on her 80th birthday.

SPEAKER_00
3:15

Oh, okay. Okay. So in

Where MAID Is Legal

SPEAKER_00
3:18

Canada, this is legal.

SPEAKER_01
3:20

It is, it's legal in Canada and it's legal in 14 states in the United States, and there are 12 states that have it on the dockhead trying to get some kind of legislation legislation through.

SPEAKER_00
3:32

So Okay. Yeah, my mom used to talk about that too, way before she got sick and stuff, because she just never she always looked at it as your quality of life, you know, what what's that quality uh with it? So I completely understand uh on that side of it. So, why did you want to write the book?

SPEAKER_01
3:51

I just it was such a remarkable experience for me to live that last three and a half months with mom and also as a critical care nurse, and uh I've just been around a lot of people when they're leaving their bodies, and I've seen how it can go if there have been thoughtful conversations beforehand between all of the family members and the person who's leaving, and I've seen how it can go when there hasn't been any thought given to the fact that we are all going to die one day. And I really wrote the book, first of all, just to honor my mother and share our story. Um, I am an advocate for maid, of course. I don't feel that everybody should choose maid, but I do feel that everybody should have that choice. And I want to more than anything, just get people talking about the fact that one day we will all die. And how do we show up for somebody who's getting ready to take that journey? I'm hoping that this book will spark those conversations. And from the feedback that I've gotten already, a lot of people have been, I wish I'd read this book before my mother died. I wish I'd read this, you know. So I'm I I think it's serving its purpose so far. Well, that's good. So, what is made? What what does that stand for?

How Medical Aid In Dying Works

SPEAKER_01
5:23

So, medical assistance in dying is um a program that was first legalized in Quebec in 2015 and now all over all over Canada in 2016, where you can ask for medication that will actually cause your death. Okay. And it is you have to be evaluated by two independent doctors. If there's any doubt about your mental capacity, you also have to be evaluated by a psychiatrist. Okay. Um you have to be a Canadian citizen. If you're doing this in Canada, you have to have a health card, a Canadian health card. You have to be of sound mind. So you have to be able to give consent right at the time of when you receive the medication, even. So there's never any um forcing involved. Uh, you can change your mind at any time. You're reminded constantly that this is totally fine to change your mind. Um, and so you have to uh be able to give consent, and you need to be suffering from um from a condition that is not going to get any better. It's clearly not going to improve. If anything, it's just gonna continue to get worse. I think initially they had a six months. I know in the United States there's a six months time period, sort of aligns with if somebody goes on to hospice, but I believe that that is not the case in Canada anymore. So my mom easily met all of that criteria. And um, so she received a cocktail of medications. She she chose what day she wanted to die. She said, When should I do this? And I'm like, do it on your birthday, mom. Why don't you do it on your birthday? Do it on the same day you came in. I mean, it was, you know, reasonably, it was within months of her birthday. And I mean, how do you choose? Right, right. I I don't think anybody really wants to die, but I think people become exhausted when the physical, mental, and emotional suffering just becomes so overwhelming. I

Dementia And The Consent Problem

SPEAKER_01
7:54

think it's a little bit different when you have dementia because you're not always aware. I've worked in a I actually helped open a dementia unit in a long-term care facility and Alzheimer's unit, and worked in that unit for two years. And um it's a different type of suffering. I think oftentimes it's more difficult for the family than it is for the person that has dementia.

SPEAKER_00
8:22

I I would agree with that because they don't they don't know.

SPEAKER_01
8:25

Um there's that initial, I think that initial period where you you do know. You know that something's not right anymore, but you usually slip through that period, you know, you move through that period, and then you're just not aware anymore that yeah. So I think what makes what made MAID, I mean, actually a lot of people who who have dementia or have a history of dementia in their family really want to be able to access MAID. And this is one of the ongoing debates in Canada right now is because actually, if you have dementia, you can't access MAID because you can't give consent at the end.

SPEAKER_00
9:08

No, you can't. You really can't. You can't. And um, my mom and dad had done the powers of attorney years before, and that that's actually how we got my mom diagnosed. And it was kind of funny, not funny, but I don't know, lack of a better word. But my dad and I were trying to do some stuff with the bank, and the bank was like, No, she has to give her approval, and we're like, she has dementia. She, you know, I could sit right next to her on the phone and tell her what to say. I mean, I I appreciated that they were protecting her rights, but it was like, I don't think they understood. So my dad and I were like, all right, we're just gonna leave everything right now, you know. Yeah, yeah, it's like, no, she she'll say whatever I want her to say, and I don't want to do that to her, you know, like it's just crazy the lack of understanding with it. So

Family Support And Anticipatory Grief

SPEAKER_00
9:56

was your you said you had two sisters, were you were your family on board with your mom with this choice?

SPEAKER_01
10:01

They were. It was the three of us just uh they live close to mom in Ontario, and um the three of us just rallied. It wasn't easy, but it wasn't, I mean, we didn't spend mom's last months um crying and wishing it were different. We spent, we just decided to show up for her and make it as as joyful of a time as we could. I mean, of course, we were experiencing a heavy, heavy load of anticipatory grief. And that would seep through every once in a while, but rather than we knew that once mom left, we would have time to process our own grief. And again, I I've just being with families, members, I think, and I write about this in the book, I think that oftentimes we confuse our grief. We we think that our grief is the way the person who's leaving is what they're experiencing, also, and we sort of lay our grief on top of that person. And I think they're two separate um events, and it's completely different for the person that's leaving, and we really wanted mom to know that every good thing that she had ever done as a mother, and just literally love her out of her body without any judgment. And um, you know, we we dealt with our grief after mom left. I mean, mom was grieving too. She was grieving the fact that she didn't know if she would how she would see us again. That's true. Um, so you know, we we were we were actually helping her uh work with her own grief. I think um we all believed that death is really a transition. So none of us really thought of it as a real ending. And um just more of a transition, and we would have to access our communication with mom in a different way.

SPEAKER_00
12:18

I think that's really true because um well, my mom always believed in I, so then I kind of believe she taught me that like you you're you can the person's still with you just in a different form. And even like before she before she died, weeks, even almost a couple months before, she started seeing like family members, uh and that. And I just went along with her when she would talk about them like, oh, who's here, you know, and stuff. So yeah, it she wasn't scared, it brought her comfort, and it brought me comfort because I believe they were there with her, you know, yes, with it. And so I still believe she's she's with me, you know, uh in different in different ways with that. Well that uh that was good that your sisters and all you were on the same page, because sometimes families aren't right, yeah, with that.

SPEAKER_01
13:07

I think um we decided that even I think for all of us, even if we hadn't agreed with mum's decision for with made, we all could see how much she was suffering. And it was just about supporting her, not about whether we supported her decision, but whether we supported her.

SPEAKER_00
13:33

I think that's a good distinction to make that you are you're doing it for her. Uh yeah with that. And yeah, that anticipatory grief, I I can relate to that because I I always tell people I lost my mom years before I physically lost my mom. Uh and that's knowing like I there would be different things. Like my mom used to call sometimes, like literally one day, I think it was like 30 times. She called me, you know. And people and people would always say, you don't have to answer it all the time. And and I would say, I know. And and if I couldn't, if I was at work or something, you know, I wouldn't. But in the back of my mind, I always wanted to answer it because I knew there was gonna come that day where she wasn't gonna be able to do that anymore. And so it was like I knew that, and it did, it came that day where they called, and somehow my mom had dialed numbers that were, you know, we had one of those phone like landline, you know, and she just had to press a button to call me or call my dad, and somehow she dialed some other butt person's number. And luckily they figured out, you know, where she was calling from, and they called the the the facility to say, hey, you know, we just we could tell she has dementia or something, you know, you know, and then we took the phone out. But yeah, that whole anticipatory grief, I think in some ways, if you're able to recognize it, I think it helps a little bit as you're going through the process.

SPEAKER_01
14:53

I agree with you, and I think it um I I mean I can only speak for me, it made me very thoughtful about. I mean, when I would be with mom, when I was with mom, when I would look in her eyes, I would really look in her eyes. Like I knew I really wanted to see her because I knew that the time was limited, and I don't think that we're always um oh coffee delivery.

SPEAKER_00
15:18

Oh, that's even better.

SPEAKER_01
15:21

Yeah, I don't think, you know, I mean, our lives are our lives are full of distractions of ways to get distracted, and um this this what this did for me, I don't think I've ever been present for anything the way I was present for my mom for those last three months of her life.

SPEAKER_00
15:44

I would agree with that. Um I can relate to that because with dementia, they live in that present moment. So you're I was forced to be in that present moment with her, especially like the last the last week um when we knew it was coming. Uh yeah. You you are you're just that's all that exists for you with that. So what do you hope readers will take away from um your book?

SPEAKER_01
16:11

Well, uh

Advance Directives And Starting The Talk

SPEAKER_01
16:12

like I said, I really hope that they this will this book will spark conversations around end-of-life issues. Um Compassion and Choices is the United States organization that is lobbying and helping educate people about assisted deaths here in the United States. And they say really anyone over the age of 18 should have advanced directives in place: a durable power of attorney for health care, a durable power of attorney for um business affairs for your bank account, etc. And so I plan on getting very involved in compassion and choices. I'm still working and getting the book out is a full-time job. Oh, yeah, yes. I was just at a writing workshop, and I I mean, I had no idea what I was getting into. Writing the book is one thing, but getting the book out there is a whole different animal. And they were saying, you know, when you have a book that's been published traditionally, you might have 30 to 50 people involved in getting that book out from you know the editors all the way through to the marketing. But if you're independently publishing a book, you are all 30 of those people. Yes. So it's been like a full-time um job. And I just feel like I feel so close to my mom because I just feel like we're doing this together. I know she would be so excited about this. And so it feels like this big journey that we're on together. And I didn't physically, I wasn't physically living close to my mom for most of my life. So while we talked all the time, I only saw her once, maybe twice a year in a good year, because I was over a thousand miles away from her. So to spend that last three months with her, and now I feel like we're together all the time, you know, working on getting this book out. So I do, I do hope that the book inspires families and individuals to reach out to their people, whoever their family is, right? And um start to have these conversations.

SPEAKER_00
18:29

And you said that you wrote this from the point of view because your mom was a master gardener.

Gardening As A Metaphor For Leaving

SPEAKER_00
18:34

So so you talk a lot about gardening and things like that within the books. So how does that is the garden is like a healing place? So can you describe that? Like how how is that written for you that way?

SPEAKER_01
18:47

Well, mom asked, she was she was such a wonderful gardener. She had huge vegetable gardens when we were growing up, and then for the later years of her life, a beautiful flower garden. And while I was there, she asked me for that last three months if I would put her garden to rest for the season. And so, of course, I was thrilled to do that. And as I was working in the garden, I started noticing that everything I was feeling, I was witnessing in nature. So nature just became a giant metaphor for what we were experiencing. And I realized that it's just all part of the cycle of life. I mean, you know, we can't really have life if we don't have, we have, I mean, death is part of life. And there's there's times where we're growing, and then there's times where we're decaying, and it's all a natural part of the cycle. And again, I'm hoping that my book, so mom, so what I did was I as I started writing the book, I I couldn't not talk about the garden. And all of a sudden, it just became that I was writing our story uh through the lens of what a plant would be going through. And so I just I made a list of all of the plants in mom's garden, and each chapter focuses on a different perennial. And as I'm telling the story of what's happening in the house with with my sisters and with mom, and our journey of saying goodbye, the plants are also getting ready to um, they're dropping their leaves or throwing their seeds. It's fall, right? So the same process was going on, and so I share a lot of botany in the book.

SPEAKER_00
20:36

Well, that's that's kind of neat because it is, it's very it is the cycle of life. We don't like to think about it, but it is really true with it. So we get gardening tips too, then a little guy.

SPEAKER_01
20:46

You do, you get gardening tips, you learn a lot of botany. There's actually a um, there's actually a glossary at the back of the book with all the botanical terms in it.

SPEAKER_00
20:56

Oh, that's cool. Yeah. So

The Countdown And A Peaceful Death

SPEAKER_00
21:00

what do you think was the hardest part of this journey for you and for your mom?

SPEAKER_01
21:07

Uh I think it was I thought it was gonna be, you know, that moment when we laid down with her and she received the medication, but that was, you know, I say in the book, um, I don't know if I can find it, but you know, she mom had asked us, she said, now girls, if you feel like you're gonna fall apart, don't just leave the room, you know, because she didn't want to have to take care of us. You know, she was leaving her body. And I say, we didn't fall apart. We fell into the the magic and the mystery of the moment. Um, we laid down with her like kittens, we just snuggled around her and um. And she just quietly and peacefully took her last breath and left her body. I I think again, anticipatory grief can be a heavy load. We all experience it in different ways. It's very, it's an odd kind of um knowing to know the exact day and time your mother is going to die. And so there's a little bit of a like a countdown of, you know, I say when I got there, we had 86 days, which felt like 86 days felt like it was going to be plenty. But as each day, as we got closer, it felt like the days were just flying by. Some days it felt like they wouldn't, they were never ending. And those were the days where maybe for me, I was more preoccupied with the reality that mom would be gone soon. Um, and again, I carried that. We tried to carry that. Not that we didn't talk about it, but it wasn't the major topic. Mom loved fossil hunting. I took her on a fossil hunt a couple weeks before she died. She loved um bingo. So we, you know, she couldn't, it wasn't, she wasn't vital enough to go out and play bingo in the bingo hall, but we we set up a bingo game. She loved, you know, she had a plant that her Christmas cactus that uh we ceremoniously split into three pieces and repotted. And we did really, she wanted to knit scarves and hats for all of her grandchildren and then all of her great-grandchildren, which was a lot of knitting. The four of us were doing a lot of knitting during those months, but to her, that was a tangible way, you know. I describe it as a tangible way of wrapping her love around, you know, each each one of her grandchildren and her great-grandchildren and her children. So we she taught me a lot about gardening during that time, too. So we really used the time to um we just we had a birthday party that was for all of us, you know, like the last birthday party with, you know, celebrating each other while mom was still here. So I think the hard I think the hard part is always just knowing that you're not gonna be able to call, I'm not gonna be able to call mom up and say, how what was the recipe for that pancake, mom?

SPEAKER_00
24:38

Exactly. Yeah, that kind of thing.

SPEAKER_01
24:40

Yeah, that's what I did you find yourself, did you find yourself sometimes I mean you I suppose because it was drawn out with your mom, but I even though I knew very much that mom was gone, I I would still months after I would think, Oh, I just need to, and I'm like, Oh yeah, no, mom's not I I can't do that anymore.

SPEAKER_00
25:01

Yeah, because my mom didn't know who I was, you know, but I could still physically go see her. And I went to go see her every day. And every once in a while, she would have a lucid moment. Like she'd look at me and she'd say, I know this is really hard on you. And I knew that was, you know. Um, but I always kind of just went with her after a while, like whatever she said. I was so glad I paid attention to all her stories about her family and everything. So when, because she thought she was back when she was little, she thought she thought that the memory care um was her grandma's house. And so uh we my dad and I just went with that. We're like, yeah, you're a grandma's house, you know, you know, so I was glad I paid attention. But that is what I missed the most now that you know she's physically gone. I miss just picking up the phone and calling her. You know, her and I used to watch TV together. She used to, uh, you know, she used to have all the gossip magazines and you know, things like that. Like she would call me, put this on. Did you hear about this? You know, I miss that kind of stuff. Or like, you know, she taught me how to bake and and cook and all that. And, you know, sometimes when I'd come over, she'd be like, okay, you you need to we're gonna make this recipe because you roll out stuff better. I don't use this rolling pin anymore, you know, and stuff like that. You know, and that's the stuff I you miss just being being able to call and talk to them about whatever, you know. And yeah, I mean, it it was hard because she didn't know, but then you know, I but she was still physically there. So I could still see her, I could still get something out of it. But you talk about like that knowing because hospice had told us when they knew she had like about a week left, and that was like that that in a way that was like a countdown because like I I knew, you know, she was only gonna be a few more days or a few, you know. Um, and I I was with her when it happened, but my mom being my mom and the caregiver, you know, people asked me what was the exact date, you know, time that she and I was like, I don't know because she went when I had closed my eyes for a little bit. And I knew she did that on purpose because she didn't want me to hear her last breath. I just knew it. And so I wasn't upset about that. But she I I know that she knew I was with her, you know, yeah, uh, with that, um, yes, with that part. So we learn about gardening and everything for that. It sounds like you you you know, you and your sisters had a very, I don't want to say a nice time, but a very special time with your mom then for those last three months.

SPEAKER_01
27:29

It was it was a remarkably special time. I mean,

Letting Go Of Belongings Without Guilt

SPEAKER_01
27:32

mom wanted all of her ducks in a row. We we we totally uh repainted and cleaned her house. She we sold everything that she wasn't using. We, you know, and of course, families, I I talk about this just like gardens, just like plants, families. Each plant has its own timing, each human being has its own timing. And um, I know uh like one of my sisters felt when mom was encouraging us to get rid of her stuff. She said, get rid of my stuff. I want all of this taken care of. And she wanted to, she had the realtor, got the realtor, and the house went up for sale literally five days after she died. Oh wow. Um, yeah, she wanted all of that stuff taken care of. She had given away the things that she wanted uh people to have, and we were kind of lucky because the guy had moved into town where mom lived, and we put our first ad up on marketplace for some of the kitchen stuff, and he bought it all. And he said, Well, he said, you know, he said he just moved into town and need he needed everything. And my sister's like, Well, well, Wesley, that was his name. If you can wait, say, like 18 more days, we might be able to help you out. So basically all of Mom's furniture and apartment went over to him. I said, if we ever really miss mom's stuff, we can go visit Wesley. Yeah, there you go. My, you know, my I I one of my sisters felt like I think she felt like we were sort of getting rid of mom faster by getting rid of her stuff, although we were just doing what mom wanted. And so those moments came up, of course, like they do in all families. But rather than get reactive about it, I was just like, I understand that. And, you know, have a conversation with mom and see what she wants. Because if if we should slow this up, we think we're just doing what mom wants, but just double check. And so as long as we kept coming back to not not what we need necessarily, still honoring that, but more what does mom need in this moment? What does she want? If she wants us to sell everything in the house tomorrow, then let's do it, you know, let's keep some sheets for her bed. And um, so yeah, it was, you know, and we sat the night before we created a beautiful altar and we hung fairy lights and we turned this space into this just sacred what we felt was a sacred space um for mom's actual leaving.

SPEAKER_00
30:11

That sounds beautiful. It really does. Um, I know a friend of mine uh had a similar feeling that your sister had after her mom had passed and they were cleaning out stuff, her and her family, and she just started crying because she felt like she was throwing her mother away, you know, just because it was her things and stuff, and I think that's just a normal reaction to know, like, yeah, okay, I can't I'm gonna keep this, but what do I do with this other thing? You know, it just because it's their things, you know. You just you feel like it.

SPEAKER_01
30:44

I think with my I have one daughter, um she's 40, she'll be 47 in June. Hard to believe. But I um I find myself now at the age of 66. I'm really being careful about what I bring into my house. And um after just going through this experience with mom and seeing how people struggle to um get rid of that the person who's left, to get rid of their belongings, you know, and that feeling that that's a piece of them. But uh I didn't have I'm not attached to things that way. I mean, I'm not saying I don't love beautiful things because I do, but I also um it was it it's not hard. I don't I'm more of a purger than a saver. Okay. And I am helping a gentleman right now go through his house after his wife died a couple years ago. And she they have a big house and they had a lot of stuff, and I don't want my daughter to have to go through boxes and boxes and boxes of stuff. Um I mean, when I leave, I want her to spend her time walking the beach and fossil hunting and being in the woods mourning me, not through getting rid of a lot of collections of things. So I'm trying to be, I mean, just for me personally, it made me very mindful about um what do I really need? And you know, it's funny um because I would say, as I've it's been five years for for me now with mom, and things of moms that she had given me that I thought I would always, I would never part with. Um, she had a beautiful medicine pouch that she was very close with the um the Native Americans in the that lived in that area with the Aboriginals, and they had made her a medicine pouch, and I and she gave that to me, but last year I just thought, I don't need this anymore. I'm done with it. My journey of needing to hold it to feel close to mom is over. And and I asked that I asked my daughter, I said, would you like this? And of course she was like, Oh, I would love to have it, mom. So it's hers now. And you know, and I said, and know that when you're finished with it, when if a time comes where it's not necessary to be in your space anymore, it's okay. Grandma would be fine with that. It's like you don't have to to have this for the rest of your life.

SPEAKER_00
33:27

Yeah, I always I kind of when we were going through my well, we had to do it twice because my dad sold their house at, you know, when she first went into memory care. And then again, it was all her things in her um in her room in memory care. But I always in my mind, I erred on the side of if I wasn't sure, I kept it because I thought, well, I can always go through it and get rid of it later. And I have done that, even with clothes and different things. I'm like, no, I this is okay. I can do this with it. So

Where To Find The Book

SPEAKER_00
33:56

where can someone purchase your book, choosing to die? A daughter's story.

SPEAKER_01
34:01

You can find the book on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Tertullia. My own website is Teresa with an H, Teresaeevans.com, and you can purchase the Kindle version right off my website. Okay. Um, there you can purchase the audio version from Audible. Okay. It's a beautiful audio version of the book. So uh yeah, all the usual suspects you can find it and on my website.

SPEAKER_00
34:29

Okay. Well, we will definitely put all of that information on there. So thank you so much for joining us today. This has been a beautiful conversation.

SPEAKER_01
34:39

Thank you. I've enjoyed it immensely.

SPEAKER_00
34:42

So I hope everyone has enjoyed this conversation that we've had. So make sure you leave us a review or add us to your subscriptions on uh uh YouTube and hope you enjoyed your cup of coffee, your cup of tea, or your glass of wine, and join us again for another episode of Patty's Place.

Welcome To Patty’s Place

0:10

Welcome
to
Patty's
Place,
a
place
where
we'll
talk
about
grief,
dementia,
and
caregiving.
I
named
this
podcast
in
honor
of
my
mom,
Pat,
who
passed
away
from
dementia
about
two
years
ago.
I'm
your
host,
Lisa,
and
we
will
talk
about
things
that
help
us
not
feel
so
alone
today.
So
grab
your
cup
of
tea,
your
cup
of
coffee,
or
if
you're
having
that
really
bad
day,
your
glass
of
wine,
and
come
join
us.
So
today
we
have
our
guest
is
Carl
Nassar.
He
is
a
psychotherapist,
author
of
The
Village
Solution,
and
a
regular
contributor
to
psychology
today
and
the
Joseph
Campbell
Foundation.
So
welcome,
Carl,
to
Patty's
Place.
Yes,
thank
you
for
having
me.
I'm
very
glad
to
be
here,
Sydney,
with
you.
Yes,
I'm
I'm
excited
to
uh
to
talk
to
you
about
all
this.
One
of
the
things
that
I
noticed
uh
when
I
was
looking
up
all
your
information,
you
have
a
thing
that
says
why
you're
exhausted
and
why
it's
not
your
fault.
Yes,
I
do.
Yes,
so
can
you
can
we
explore
that
a
little
bit?
Because
I
feel
exhausted
a
lot.
Absolutely.

Why Modern Life Feels Exhausting

1:13

Happy
to
do
it.
Ties
well
into
the
theme
you
brought
up
about
loneliness.
You
know,
for
we
humans
have
been
on
this
planet
for
some
two
million
years.
And
over
the
course
of
that
two
million
years,
for
almost
the
almost
the
entirety
of
that
time,
we
lived
in
villages.
We
lived
in
these
places
where
if
we
were
born
into
a
village,
if
if
you'd
been
born
into
a
village,
Lisa,
there'd
have
been
46
eyes
lovingly
looking
at
you.
There'd
be
46
pairs
of
hands
ready
to
scoop
you
up.
When
you
cried,
your
cry
would
be
responded
to
in
25
seconds
or
less.
You'd
be
held
close
for
nine
hours
a
day.
As
you
grew
up
in
that
village
setting,
you
would
work
collectively
with
your
fellow
villagers.
You
would
together
work
to
meet
all
your
needs.
And
because
you're
working
together,
you'd
only
have
to
work
for
three,
four
hours
a
day.
And
by
the
end
of
that
day,
uh,
you
know,
this
was
a
village
that
would
realize
that
work
was
in
the
service
of
life,
not
the
other
way
around.
And
so
once
that
work
was
done,
the
day
would
open
wide.
And
what
would
you
do
at
that
time?
Well,
someone
might
start
singing
and
song
would
rise
in
the
air.
You'd
linger
around
meals
for
a
long
time,
swapping
stories.
Some
would
start
a
fire
at
night
and
you'd
talk
about
the
origins
of
the
stars
together.
And
there
was
all
this
time
to
be,
to
connect,
to
be
with
each
other.
But
starting
some
20,000
years
ago,
toward
the
end
of
the
last
great
toward
the
end
of
the
last
great
ice
age,
and
carrying
forward
until
about
500
years
ago,
the
villages
began
to
slowly
disappear.
And
500
years
ago,
they
began
to
disappear
at
a
remarkably
fast
pace.
Until
today,
they're
pretty
much
all
but
gone.
The
ones
that
remain
live
on
the
edge
of
extinction.
And
what's
replaced
them,
what's
stepped
in
in
their
place,
is
consumer
culture.
So
when
you
and
I
arrive
into
the
world,
you
know,
um,
we
arrive
with
minds
still
wired
by
two
million
years
of
evolution.
So
our
minds,
when
we're
born,
look
around
and
say,
hey,
my
village
should
be
here.
I'm
ready
to
be
held
in
25
seconds
or
less
when
I
cry.
I'm
ready
for
46
people
to
greet
me.
But
when
we
show
up
in
this
world,
that's
not
what
we
get
at
all.
We,
to
our
amazement,
there's
just
two
people
here,
right?
Our
parents.
And
they're
worn
thin
because
these
two
people
alone
are
being
asked
to
do
what
a
whole
village
once
did.
They
must
meet
all
the
needs
of
life
on
their
own.
And
so
it's
early
mornings
to
work,
uh,
evenings
spent
picking
up
groceries,
cooking
meals,
doing
dishes,
folding
laundry,
paying
bills.
So
at
the
end
of
the
day,
you
arrive,
um,
you
know,
collapsed
in
front
of
a
TV,
and
that's
even
before,
but
even
before
we're
born,
right?
And
then
we
arrive
on
the
scene
with
all
the
emotional,
relational
needs
of
a
child.
There's
no
way
our
parents
can
give
us
what
a
village
once
did.
Right?
So
from
a
very
early
age,
we
cry
from
our
cribs,
and
sometimes
no
one
comes.
Sometimes
someone
comes
worn
thin.
But
either
way,
we
know
uh
what
our
what
our
little
heart
needs
isn't
met.
And
what
arrives
in
its
place
is
somewhat
of
a
loneliness,
uh
quiet
that
sort
of
creeps
in
under
our
bedroom
door
and
arrives
beside
our
crib
and
doesn't
leave.
So
from
a
very
early
age,
we're
be
we're
beginning
to
realize
we're
gonna
have
to
figure
out
how
to
do
this
life
together,
do
this
life
on
our
own.
It's
a
very
big
shift
in
this
culture
where
everyone
is
asked
to
do
an
individual
work
life,
an
individual
home
life,
an
individual,
you
know,
life,
as
opposed
to
what
it
used
to
be,
where
we
did
things
collectively
together.
So
the
exhaustion
we
feel
is
the
exhaustion
of
living
in
a
way
that
really
we're
not
have
not
evolved
to
live
in,
which
is
doing
everything
on
our
own
by
ourselves,
as
opposed
to
doing
things
collectively
as
a
shared
group.
When

Belonging And The Consumer Culture Trap

5:05

you
were
talking,
it
made
me
think
of
when
I
was
in
Ireland
two
years
ago.
And
I
feel
like
uh
when
I
was
there,
I
felt
like
I
was
part
of
something.
I
felt
like
I
was
part
of
the
villages
and
things
because
um
the
time
was
just
so
much
more
relaxed
and
like
just
even
going
with
the
pubs
and
stuff.
And
I'm
not
even
talking
about
the
drinking
part,
you
know,
just
being
there.
Yeah,
I
just
that's
what
it
reminded
me
of
instantly.
Like
when
I
was
in
Ireland,
you
know,
and
I
that's
how
I
felt.
I
felt
so
connected
there
with
that.
Well,
that's
right.
I
mean,
that's
so
that's
so
much
our
wiring.
It's
so
innate
in
us
to
to
want
to
belong,
to
want
to
be
a
part
of,
to
want
to
connect
with,
you
know,
and
what's
remarkable
about
this
is
this
is
the
very
thing
that
consumer
culture
exploits
when
we're
young.
Because
think
about
when
we're
really
small,
um,
and
consumer
culture
arrives
with
two
million
advertisers
and
a
trillion
dollar
budget
every
year.
And
what
do
these
ads
sell
us
on?
They're
not
selling
us
the
product,
they're
selling
us
the
promise
this
product
will
bring
our
people
near.
Right?
You
look
at
the
ad
for,
say,
uh
hamburger
helper,
right?
A
mom
and
daughter
sitting
in
the
kitchen
kind
of
distant.
Mom
rips
open
the
hamburger
helper
package,
yeah,
and
what
happens?
Poof,
presto
in
an
instant.
Right.
They're
in
their
dining
room,
mom
and
dad
leaning
forward,
daughter
leaning
with
them,
you
know,
and
the
promise
is
hey,
tear
open
that
hamburger
helper,
and
you
know,
there's
your
family
right
there
around
you.
And
if
you
watch
the
ads,
whether
it's
McDonald's
or
Kentucky
Fried
Chicken
or
ads
for
Frisbee's,
you
know,
ads
for
the
Hot
Wheels,
right?
You're
alone
in
your
room,
all
of
a
sudden
you
click
the
Hot
Wheel
pieces
together,
and
what
happens?
The
lonely
room
transforms,
friends
appear,
racing
cars
together,
right?
Ads
just
sell
us
on
this
promise.
They
say,
Look,
you
know
why
your
people
aren't
here?
You
just
don't
have
the
right
stuff.
If
you
just
have
the
hamburger
helper,
if
you
just
have
the
Hot
Wheels
set,
your
people
will
show
up.
And
the
rub
is,
as
children,
this
is
what
we
know
in
the
field
of
psychology,
children
believe
advertisers
the
same
way
they
believe
their
parents
and
their
teachers.
So
children
actually
believe
a
hamburger
helper
will
bring
your
family
near,
Hot
Wheels
will
bring
your
friends
into
your
bedroom.
And
so
we
start
to
get
hooked
on
this
idea
if
I
could
just
get
the
right
stuff,
my
people
will
come.
And
this
is
the
sort
of
this
is
consumer
culture's
trick.
It
knows
we
long
for
our
people.
And
so
it
uses
that
and
exploits
that
to
get
us
hooked
on
consumption.
And
it
does
the
same
thing
actually
to
get
us
hooked
on
on
producing.
Because
we
get
to
school
age,
we
go
to
school,
teachers
start
to
say,
hey,
succeed,
achieve,
get
a
perfect
score.
We
come
home
with
that
Red
A
plus,
and
our
parents
go,
great
job,
and
they're
proud
of
us.
We
come
home
with
a
report
card
full
of
them.
Our
parents
go,
look
at
that.
And
they
take
us
out
for
ice
cream.
We
go,
look,
this
might
work.
Yeah.
Achieve
really
well,
people
will
notice
me,
like
give
me
attention,
I'll
finally
be
seen,
my
people
will
appear.
And
so
early
on
in
life,
we
get
hooked
on
this,
you
know,
uh
acquiring
stuff
and
achieving,
um,
really,
you
know,
fueling
consumer
culture.
Um,
but
it's
really
just
a
trick,
it's
a
treadmill.
It
never
actually
takes
us
where
we
want
to
go
to
that
pub
in
Ireland
where
we
feel
like,
hey,
there
I
am,
I
belong
here.
That's

The Hero’s Journey Back To Village

8:32

right.
Yes,
I
I
belong
here.
Uh
and
when
you're
talking
about
the
village,
I
read
one
of
your
articles,
the
hidden
truth
in
every
hero's
journey,
what
Christopher
Robin,
Winnie
the
Pooh,
and
Joseph
Campbell
teaches
us.
Can
you
talk
about
that
with
Winnie
the
Pooh
and
the
Village?
Because
I
I
really
enjoyed
that.
No,
I
appreciate
that.
Yeah,
it's
uh
uh
I
appreciate
reading
the
article,
and
it's
a
charming
story,
so
thanks
for
asking.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You
know,
in
1949,
Joseph
Campbell
wrote
a
book
called
The
Hero
with
a
Thousand
Faces.
Okay.
And
the
premise
of
his
book
was
this:
that
in
every
great
story,
you'll
find
as
you'll
find
this
similar
narrative.
Whether
you're
opening
a
children's
book,
whether
you're
opening
a
sci-fi
trilogy,
whether
you're
reading
a
script
for
a
Hollywood
blockbuster,
in
all
of
them,
the
same
thread,
the
same
narrative
is
woven
through
it.
And
he
called
it
the
hero's
journey.
And
it
has
three
parts.
The
hero
departs,
he
leaves
his
ordinary
life,
the
hero
transforms,
he
goes
on
some
journey
that
changes
him,
then
the
hero
returns.
And
in
our
culture,
we
tend
to
think
of
this
as
in
a
very
individual
individualistic
way.
We
think
of,
you
know,
the
common
townsfolk
who
leaves
the
town,
goes
out
to
slay
the
dragon,
along
the
way,
grows
and
becomes
somebody
bigger
than
he
was
before,
and
returns
home.
And
on
his
return,
what
does
he
get?
He
gets
the
princess's
hand
in
marriage.
Or
he's
handed
the
big
pot
of
gold,
or
the
crown
is
placed
on
his
head.
And
we
think
of
it
as
a
story
of
individual
triumph.
But
really,
I
think
so
many
of
these
heroes'
journeys
really
don't
aren't
about
ending
in
individual
glory.
They're
much
more
about
the
return
to
the
village.
Um
I'll
explain
what
I
mean
using
using
that
story
of
Christopher
Robin
and
Winnie
the
Pooh.
Right?
I
read
those,
my
parents
read
those
stories
to
me
when
I
was
three
years
old
as
bedtime
stories.
So
they're
they're
very
familiar
to
me.
In
fact,
the
books
are
sitting
here
in
my
office
on
a
bookshelf
not
too
far
from
me
right
now.
But
the
story
of
Christopher
Robin,
it
begins
with
really
sadness.
It's
a
story
of
a
young
boy
who's
left
alone
in
his
room
by
parents
who
are
busy
with
social
engagements
and
work
commitments.
He
doesn't
have
aunts
or
uncles
around.
And
what
does
he
do?
He
does
what
children
do
that
is
just
remarkable.
He
dreams
up
the
world
he
wants
to
be
a
part
of,
right?
He
dreams
up
this
hundred-acre
wood
and
he
fills
it
with
the
stuffed
animals
to
come
alive.
Right?
So
you've
got
Piglet
and
his
constant
worry,
you've
got
rabbit
and
his
need
for
order,
you've
got
Tigger
and
the
boundless
energy,
and
of
course
you
have
Winnie
the
Pooh,
and
who
I
think
sort
of
embodies
stillness
and
compassion
because
he
kind
of
moves
to
the
world
with
a
honey,
honey
sort
of
sweetness.
And
what
happens
uh
in
the
Hundred
Acre
Wood
with
Christopher
Robin
and
his
imagined
friends?
Well,
remarkably,
they
just
go
on
small
adventures
together,
right?
They
find
Eeyore's
tail
and
stick
it
back
on
Eeyore,
or
Pooh
goes
to
Rabbit's
house,
eats
too
much
honey,
gets
stuck
in
his
hole,
stuck
on
the
way
out
in
Rabbit's
hole,
and
they
have
to
pull
them
out
together.
Um,
you
know,
or
they
chase
imaginary
heffalumps
and
woozles.
But
what
happens
along
the
way
in
these
adventures?
Well,
what
happens
is
they
start
to
belong
to
each
other.
They
come
together
and
they
become
a
village
of
sorts.
And
that's
really,
I
think,
the
story
of
Winnipeg
Pooh.
It's
the
story
of
this
lonely
boy
who
dreams
up
a
village
and
then
becomes
a
part
of
that
village
he
dreams
up
of.
And
that
I
think
is
really
the
journey,
the
real
hero's
journey
for
all
of
us
to
take.
That
we
arrive
here
in
the
isolation
of
consumer
culture.
Uh,
and
we
need
to
find
our
way
back
to
our
own
villages,
to
that
place
of
belonging,
to
our
own
Irish
pubs
where
we
feel,
ah,
I've
arrived,
I'm
here.
Like
in
cheers,
when
Norm
arrives
and
cheers,
and
they
all
go,
Norm!
He's
known,
he's
home,
right?
Now,
I'm
not
suggesting
the
pub
is
our
true
village.
Right,
right.
But
thematically
we
get
the
idea,
right?
Right.
Well,

Grief, Caregiving, And Shared Support

12:29

and
in
terms
of
when
um,
you
know,
when
you're
a
caregiver
or
you're
going
through
an
illness
or
even
any
type
of
traumatic
event,
you
do
feel
very
lonely.
And
to
find
that
village
of
somebody
that
understands
you,
like
I
always
think
of
when
you're
talking
about
Winnie
the
Pooh,
how
they
always
say
Eeyore
kind
of
basically
had
he
was
depressed,
but
his
friends
accepted
him
that
way,
you
know.
Right,
right.
You
know,
like
they
didn't
try
to
make
him
say
you
have
to
be
positive.
They
just
they
comforted
him
when
he
could,
right,
you
know,
with
it.
And
you
talk
about
too
how
we
hear
a
lot
about
how
loneliness
and
the
mental
health
crisis,
like
how
do
we
how
do
we
go
about
like
how
do
we
find
those
villages
of
the
people
that
just
kind
of
they
get
us,
you
know,
and
you
feel
accepted.
Yeah.
So
there's
two
things
you
said
I
want
to
res
I
want
to
I
want
to
talk
about.
One
is
something
really
important
that
you
shared,
which
is
grief
and
isolation,
because
as
you
pointed
out,
or
loss
and
isolation,
or
trauma
and
isolation,
and
how
difficult
that
is,
because
we're
really
not
wired
to
go
through
these
things
alone.
That's
just
not
how
we're
wired
as
humans.
I
mean,
the
way
it
used
to
work
in
in
you
know
villages
of
long
ago,
even
in
even
in
villages
today,
the
few
that
remain,
in
many
of
them,
is
you
know,
if
you
were
a
young
child
and
we'll
just
say
your
your
father
had
died,
for
example,
you
know,
what
would
happen
would
be,
you
know,
the
village
would
lay
down
everything.
If
someone
was
sharpening
a
spear,
they'd
put
the
spear
down.
If
someone
was
cooking,
they'd
stop
the
cooking.
And
if
someone
was
weaving,
they'd
stop
weaving.
And
they'd
come
together
and
they'd
form
a
circle
around
you.
And
they'd
arrive
and
they'd
stay.
Not
just
for
hours,
but
sometimes
for
days,
sometimes
for
weeks.
And
they
wouldn't
stay
and
ask
anything
of
you,
much
as
you
know,
no
one
asked
anything
of
Eeyore.
They
would
stay,
right?
They
would
stay
and
they
just
hold
this
still
space
where
it
would
be
whatever
comes
up
is
welcome
here.
And
they'd
hold
this
compassionate
space
where
you
could
feel
them
saying,
We
don't
want
you
carrying
this
alone.
This
is
too
much
for
you
to
bear
by
yourself.
We
want
to
be
here
to
carry
this
with
you.
And
in
that
space,
what
could
happen?
Well,
that
child's
grief,
that
child's
sadness,
that
child's
loss
could
start
to
just
bubble
up
and
erupt
out
of
them
because
they
would
know
there
was
room
for
it.
It
was
a
welcome
there.
And
they
could
just
allow
this
to
move
through
them.
Now,
this
isn't
some
instant
process
where
after
three
days
of
crying,
they're
fine,
their
father's
gone,
it's
no
problem,
right?
It's
just
a
process.
But
there
is
that
felt
sense
of
you
don't
have
to
carry
this
alone.
We
will
carry
this
together.
And
the
relief
that
comes
from
knowing
someone's
here
to
hold
me,
to
pick
me
up
and
keep
and
swoop
me
into
their
arms
and
let
me
know
I
don't
have
to
go
through
this
by
myself
is
is
transformative
in
terms
of
our
capacity
to
go
through
grief.
And
we've
in
many
ways
lost
that
in
our
culture.
Yes,
we
have.
And
in
many
ways,
modern
day
therapy
is
really
an
attempt
to
recreate
what
the
villages
already
had.
You
know,
that
really
is
in
some
ways
what
the
firelight
of
therapy
is,
right?
The
firelight
of
therapy
is
very
much
come
into
this
office,
let
me
hold
a
still
open
space
for
you.
And
in
this
space,
let
me
support
the
um
what's
the
word?
The
catharsis
of
what's
inside
you.
Let
it
come
on
out
of
you,
saying,
Let
me
hold
it
with
you
so
you
don't
have
to
hold
it
alone.
Um,
and
so
you
know,
we
do
have
these
venues
in
our
modern
culture
where
we
try
to
find
spaces
where
this
can
happen.
It's
just
not
everywhere.
It's
a
little
more
hidden
in
our
culture.
Yeah.
You
can
find
it
in
a
therapy
office,
you
might
find
it
in
a
church,
you
might
find
it
in
an
AA
group,
you
might
find
it
in
a
grief
circle.
They're
there,
but
our
culture
doesn't
point
to
them,
right?
What
does
our
culture
point
to?
The
headlines
say,
look
at
the
powerful
person,
look
at
the
rich
person,
right?
Yeah.
They
don't,
there's
never
a
headline
that
says,
you
know,
uh,
man
sits
beside
grieving
woman,
puts
arm
around
her,
says
nothing.
That's
never
headline
news,
right?
No.
And
yet
it's
the
most
important
thing
we
can
do
for
each
other.
It
is.
So,
you
know,
that's
why
it's
hard,
it's
hard
to
remember,
but
it's
still
there,
those
those
places
where
people
want
to
sit
with
us
in
our
grief,
in
our
trauma,
in
our
loss.
And
it's
really
important
we
find
those
places
so
that
we
don't
have
to
go
through
them
alone.
It
it
is,
because
you
do
feel
very
alone,
whether
you're
in
that
caregiving
process
or
when
that
your
loved
one
dies,
you
do.
Even
when
you're
in
a
room
full
of
people
who
have
all
lost
the
same
person,
you
still
feel
alone
because
you're
trying
then
to
figure
out
who
you
are
after
that
person
has
passed,
or
who
you
are
as
a
caregiver,
because
your
life
is
turned
completely
upside
down.
And
and
you
do,
you
just
you
feel
very
lost
and
alone
through
all
of
it
with
that.
And
I
think
it's
important
for
people
to
be
able
to
say
it's
okay
to
ask
for
help,
and
I
think
that's
part
of
finding
your
village,
because
I
think
we
think
it
it
makes
us
not
strong
if
we
ask
for
help.
And
absolutely.
And
and
we
need
to
ask
for
help.
It's
I
mean,
it's
hard,
it's
hard
to
do
it,
but
you
you
have
to
in
order
to
take
care
of
yourself
with
it.

Building Your Own Village In Real Life

17:38

So
do
you
think
it's
fixable,
this
loneliness
and
finding
the
village?
Like
how
do
we
find
our
way
back
to
each
other?
Yeah,
you
know,
I
mean,
look,
you
know,
I
I
think
in
many
ways
the
way
back
is
much
easier
than
we
imagine
it
to
be.
Uh,
because
I
think
it's
inside
of
us
already.
As
you
said,
you
walked
in
that
pub
and
there
it
was,
and
you
knew
I
have
a
sense
of
belonging
here.
It's
it's
it's
innate
in
us
to
want
it,
it's
innate
in
us
when
we
feel
it
to
want
more
of
it.
It's
just
the
fact
that
the
culture
sort
of
hides
these
places
from
us.
They're
not
obvious
or
evident
to
us.
And
you
know,
my
my
invitation
to
people
is
to
is
to
try
something.
You
know,
be
try
something
that
requires,
you
know,
a
little
bit
of
courage,
a
little
bit
of
bravery,
but
but
take
the
risk,
right?
See
if
you
can
find
a
group
of
five,
six,
seven,
up
to
twelve
people,
you
know,
perhaps
an
interpersonal
processing
group
in
a
therapist's
office,
as
one
example
of
many,
you
know,
and
set
aside
three
hours
a
week
to
sit
down
together
as
that
group
and
just
uh
do
what
the
culture
doesn't
allow
us
to
do.
You
just
pointed
out
the
culture
doesn't
allow
us
to
do.
Because
as
you
just
said,
in
some
ways,
right,
we
live
in
a
culture
that
really
um
looks
for
positivity,
looks
for
cheerfulness,
uh,
wants
us
to
just
be
okay.
How
are
you?
I'm
fine.
Right.
Right?
You
know,
um
and
enter
this
group
and
go
ahead
and
let's
have
the
courage
to
just
speak
our
truth,
to
arrive
with
vulnerability,
to
arrive,
you
know,
with
willingness
to
share
those
soft,
tender
places
inside
of
us,
and
then
to
greet
each
other
in
that
space
with
soft
eyes
and
tender
hearts,
so
that
it
becomes
a
space
where
you
know
we
do
form
that
village
circle
where
stillness
and
compassion
can
grow.
Uh
and
you
know,
um,
from
that
space,
you
know,
when
I
brought
that
up
to
someone,
they
said,
Well,
that's
not
realistic.
Nobody
has
three
hours
a
week
to
just
spend
sitting
down
with
each
other.
We're
all
really
busy.
And
I
said,
Well,
in
some
ways
that's
true,
but
in
other
ways,
think
about
this,
right?
I
mean,
the
most
popular
sport
in
America
is
football,
right?
And
most
people
will
find
three
hours
a
week
to
sit
down
and
watch
a
football
game
every
Sunday.
Yeah,
and
sometimes
on
Thursday
and
Monday.
That's
right.
Yeah.
That's
right.
You
know,
so
if
you
could
find
three
hours
to
watch
a
football
game,
I'm
sure
we
can
find
each
three
hours
to
sit
with
each
other.
Because
once
we
start,
as
soon
as
we
start
and
we
feel
that
sense
of
place,
that
sense
of
belonging,
that
sense
of,
oh,
this
is
like
walking
into
cheers
and
having
everybody
say
norm,
we
feel
welcome
here.
We
want
to
go
back.
It
pulls
us
to
go
back,
you
know,
and
to
just
sit
in
that
space
with
those
people
to
get
to
know
each
other's
stories,
but
also
to
get
to
know
each
other's
hearts.
Because
what
starts
to
evolve
after
a
certain
amount
of
time
of
sitting
in
a
group
like
that
is
we
naturally
want
to
extend
our
care
to
each
other
outside
that
group.
We
start
to
say,
what
would
it
look
like
if
we
cared
for
each
other
outside
those
three
hours
each
week?
And
we
decide,
hey,
let's
bring
let's
bring
soups
to
each
other
when
someone's
sick.
Um
let's
offer,
let's
show
up
at
2
a.m.
when
someone's
in
crisis
and
needs
child
care.
Let's
call
on
Tuesday
morning
and
say,
Lisa,
how
are
you?
I've
been
thinking
about
you.
Are
you
okay?
Um
we
just
start
to
want
to
do
that
for
each
other.
And
as
soon
as
we
start
to
do
just
those
simple
things,
show
up
three
hours
a
week
to
talk
openly
and
start
to
extend
that
care
into
every
everyday
life,
just
that
alone
has
taken
us
back
to
at
least
some
version
of
that
village.
Because
all
of
a
sudden
we're
not
living
lives
all
by
ourselves.
There
are
lives
that
have
begun
to
be
woven
into
each
other,
that
have
begun
to
be
woven
together.
Our
sense
of
security
stops
coming
from
just
trying
to
build
that
individual
pile
of
wealth
and
starts
to
come
more
and
more
from
I've
got
you
because
you
got
me,
and
we've
got
each
other,
we've
got
each
other
covered
here.
Uh,
you
know,
and
that
safety
starts
to
settle
in
as
well.
Now,
you
know,
go
ahead.
You
jumped.
I
was
gonna
say,
what
do
you
say
to
somebody
who
isn't,
they
say
maybe
they're
not
a
group
joiner?
You
know,
like
how
about
if
they
are
around
people
that,
you
know,
maybe
they
feel
the
village
is
is
a
couple
dogs
or
a
few
cats,
or
or
maybe
for
them
it's
walking,
you
know,
walking
uh
in
nature.
That's
where
they
feel,
you
know,
their
safety
or
their
comfort.
Absolutely.
So
a
couple
things
I'm
glad
you
brought
that
up.
So
a
couple
things
about
that.
You
know,
I
think
um
people
have
brought
this
up.
Well,
that
feels
like
too
much
for
me.
I
don't
think
I
want
to
sit
down
with
a
group
of
people
for
Three
hours.
I
think
that
freaks
me
out.
You
know?
Well,
then
find
the
group
of
people
you
join,
just
doing
something
that's
shared,
right?
If
you
like
to
hike
in
the
woods,
find
the
hiking
group,
right?
If
you
like
to
play
pickleball,
find
the
pickleball
group,
right?
At
least
begin
in
that
way.
Begin
to
form
those
communities
that
center
around
the
things
you
already
love
that
are
easy
to
join
and
use
that
as
the
starting
point
to
start
to
build
those
connections.
You
know,
and
then
as
you
spend
time
with
those
people,
just
start
to
linger
a
little
bit
more,
start
to
lounge
a
little
bit
more.
Don't
hurry
off
at
the
end
of
the
pickleball
game
or
the
end
of
the
hike
if
you
don't
have
to.
You
know,
um,
so
that
you
make
time
for
each
other
and
just
allow
the
connection
to
happen
in
that
slow,
easy
space
of
just
being
with
each
other.
Well,
and
too,
and
when
you're
going
through,
like
you
you
said,
that
we're
not
wired
for
the
trauma
and
everything.
When
you
are
going
through,
whether
it's
a
caregiver
or
or
it's
grief,
to
allow
yourself
that
time,
even
if
it
is
an
hour
or
two
playing
pickleball
or
going
for
a
hike,
it's
important
to
help
to
help
you
with
your
mental
health
with
all
of
that.
Even
though
we
we
think
we
should
be
more
productive,
but
absolutely.
It's
the
funny
thing,
right?
The
time
we
most
need
to
slow
down
is
when
we're
most
anxious.
We
don't
think
we
can.
Yes.
Right?
The
time
we
mostly
do
the
people
is
the
time
where
we
feel
like
nobody's
gonna
want
me
the
way
I
am
right
now,
right?
You
know,
because
you
know,
sometimes
we
feel
like,
man,
I'm
just
in
a
I'm
just
sad
right
now,
nobody's
gonna
want
to
be
around
me.
If
we
can
find
those,
if
we
can
find
those
people
who
are
comfortable
with
just
whoever
we
are,
as
you
know,
the
uh
the
folks
in
the
poof
were
with
Bior.
If
we
can
find
those
people
that
are
just
okay
with
us
being
that
way,
suddenly
we
feel
okay
with
being
that
way,
right?
Because
a
real
important
part
of
what
we
really
need
so
much
of
is
compassion.
And
what
is
compassion
at
the
heart
of
it
all?
Well,
compassion
is
just
the
ability
to
keep
our
heart
open
to
whatever
is
rising
up,
to
whatever
life's
bringing
in
this
moment.
Maybe
it's
joy,
maybe
it's
beauty,
but
maybe
it's
suffering.
And
so,
you
know,
when
we
arrive
with
compassion
or
somebody
meets
us
with
compassion,
and
we're
in
a
place
of
sadness,
we
go,
oh,
it's
okay
to
be
sad.
And
suddenly,
whew,
I'm
not
fighting
my
sadness
anymore.
It's
just
okay
that
I'm
here.
And
the
relief
of
being
okay
with
where
we
are
is
is
what
we
all
need
all
the
time.
My
mom
used
to,
for
her
with
her
really
good
friends,
when
they
would
say,
Oh,
I'm
fine,
and
she
knew
stuff
was
going
on,
she'd
look
at
them
and
go,
No,
you're
not.
You're
not
fine.
Now
tell
me
what's
wrong.
She
would
be
like
That's
right,
go
mom,
let
you
go,
right?
Like,
come
on,
let's
be
real
with
each
other
here,
right?
We're
only
on
this
planet
for
a
little
bit
of
time.
Right.
The
least
we
can
do
with
this
time
together
is
be
willing
and
willing
to
tell
each
other
the
truth
so
that
we
can
feel
like
we're
all
going
through
this
truth
together.
Yeah,
and
I
think
that's
why
people
kind
of
came
to
her
because
she,
you
know,
she
was
that
safe
space
for
people.
You
know,
she
didn't
she
she
didn't
expect
people
to
be
happy
all
the
time.
You
know,
she
I
don't
want
to
say
she
embraced
the
sadness,
but
it
didn't
bother
her
if
people
were
sad.
You
know.
That's
the
way
to
live.
Yes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And
I
get
the
sense,
I
get
the
sense
you've
got
that
in
you
too,
Lisa.
Uh
well,
yeah,
be
you
know.
Well,
my
mom
had
a
lot
of
tragedies
growing
up
and
stuff,
so
I
think
she
just
knew
that
that
was
part
of
life,
you
know.
Uh-huh.
So
that
that's
it,
right?
It's
part
of
all
our
lives,
right?
Nobody
nobody
gets
nobody
escapes
this
life
free
from
trauma,
free
from
loss,
free
from
grief.
Yeah,
you
know,
as
much
as
we'd
like
that
to
happen,
that's
just
not
the
reality
of
it.

Stillness, Compassion, And Being Present

25:37

With
it
You
also
say
on
the
path
home,
we
need
we
need
two
companions,
stillness
and
compassion.
Why
do
you
why
do
you
say
those
two?
You
know,
I'll
tell
you
what,
these
there
are
these
researchers,
and
what
they
did
was
they
studied
methods
to
wholeness.
Um,
like
what
are
the
things
that
that
lead
us
to
a
sense
of
wholeness
within
ourselves,
that
lead
us
to
a
sense
of
wholeness
together,
a
sense
of
being
connected
to
each
other.
And
what
they
did
was
they
studied
um
mythic
traditions
that
lent
themselves,
that
led
to
wholeness.
They
studied
depth
psychologies,
they
studied
theories
of
counseling,
and
they
metaphorically
pulled
out
a
scalpel
and
cut
open
this
um
these
deaf
psychology,
they
cut
open
the
theory
of
counseling,
they
cut
open
the
spiritual
tradition,
uh,
and
they
said,
what
is
it
inside
of
these
things
that
leads
people
to
wholeness?
And
what
they
found
in
many
ways
amazed
them.
There
were
just
two
elements,
two
common
factors,
two
gentle
forces,
I
call
them
two
golden
threads,
that
they
found
inside
every
one
of
these
methods.
And
they
were
stillness
and
compassion.
That
whenever
stillness
and
compassion
were
present,
these
methods
led
to
wholeness.
And
when
they
were
absent,
they
didn't.
And
um,
you
know,
uh
researchers
studying
just
psychology
alone
found
out
that
it
doesn't
really
matter
what
modality
your
therapist
practices,
as
long
as
they
hold
a
still
compassionate
stance,
um,
the
therapy
tends
to
be
quite
effective.
It
matters
far
more
than
any
method
they
might
use.
And
so,
you
know,
let
me
just
say,
what
are
stillness,
what
are
compassion,
right?
So
what
are
they?
What
do
they
mean,
right?
And
by
stillness,
what
I
mean
is
the
ability
to
show
up
in
this
moment,
right
here,
right
now,
free
from
judgment,
free
from
expectation,
just
open,
just
curious,
huh?
What
is
this
moment
going
to
bring
me?
What's
coming
here?
Right?
And
then
there
is
compassion,
which
is
once
we
arrive
in
this
moment,
keeping
our
heart
wide
open
to
it,
right?
To
whatever
life
is
bringing,
the
beauty,
the
suffering,
so
that
if
we
arrive
in
this
moment
and
find
our
own
pain,
we
stay
open
to
it.
If
we
arrive
in
this
moment
and
see
pain
in
the
stranger's
eyes,
we
stay
open
to
that.
If
we
arrive
in
this
moment
and
see
the
loneliness
in
a
loved
one's
um
stance,
we
stay
open
to
that
as
well.
And
you
know
what
um
and
what
we
find
when
we
feel
this
still
compassion
sense
is
hey,
I
want
to
keep
living
this
way.
When
we
arrive
in
those
moments,
we've
all
had
those
moments,
right,
where
we
just
feel,
ah,
I'm
just
right
here
in
this
very
still
moment,
my
heart
is
wide
open.
We
feel
like,
man,
if
I
could
just
stay
here,
this
would
be
great.
This
would
be
so
good.
I
would
love
to
just
be
here
all
the
time.
That's
how
I
felt
in
Ireland,
not
just
in
the
pub.
Like
I
didn't
want
to
come
home.
Right.
I
just
it
was
it
was
it
was
the
stillness
and
it
was
the
beauty,
and
it
just
uh
yeah,
I
just
felt
so
good
there.
I
was
like,
do
I
have
to
come
home?
I
was
right,
right.
You
know,
and
it's
funny
because
these
are
in
many
ways
the
counter
forces
to
of
consumer
culture,
right?
Consumer
culture
promotes,
you
know,
striving,
achieving,
accumulating,
right?
Those
are
the
forces
that
drive
consumer
culture.
And
yet
the
forces
that
really
have
us
feel
settled,
that
bring
us
back
to
ourselves,
that
bring
us
back
to
each
other,
that
bring
us
back
to
the
village,
are
just
being
more
still,
more
compassionate.
And
the
wonderful
thing
about
stillness
and
compassion
is
they
are
innate
in
who
we
are,
unlike
striving
and
you
know,
accumulating,
which
in
some
ways
are
taught
to
us
by
the
culture.
Stillness
and
compassion
are
are
innate
in
all
of
us
from
the
time
we
arrived.
And
so
the
work
for
us
really
is
in
many
ways,
how
do
we
pull
them
out
from
inside
of
ourselves
so
we
can
hold
hands
with
them
in
our
everyday
lives?
And
of
course
I
can
talk
about
that,
but
I
just
wanted
to
get
to
that
space.
And
I
think
that's
hard
for
people
because
it's
scary
to
be
still.
It's
it's
much
easier
to
be
busy,
busy,
busy
and
not
be
still
and
face
what
whatever
it
is
that's
going
on
because
it's
it's
hard.
That's
right.
If
I
stop,
everything
that
I've
been
running
from,
everything
that
I've
been
hurrying
away
from
will
finally
catch
up
to
me.
That's
the
fear,
right?
And
as
some
of
my
clients
would
say,
if
I
start
crying,
I'm
gonna
cry
forever.
Right.
So
don't
get
me
to
start
crying
right
now,
because
you
don't
want
to
see
me
cry
forever,
and
I
don't
want
to
see
me
cry
forever.
And
I'm
saying,
no,
no,
no,
that's
not
how
it
works.
You
know,
slow
down,
come
in
this
moment.
If
the
tears
come,
I'll
hold
them
with
you.
And
don't
worry.
You
know,
the
crying
will
just
you'll
there'll
be
a
lightness
that
comes
as
you
start
to
empty
that
bucket
that's
been
that's
been
filled
up
inside
of
you.

Dementia Lessons, Resources, And Closing

30:21

The
one
thing
that
I
did
learn
uh
with
my
mom
with
her
dementia
is
that
people
who
have
dementia,
Alzheimer's,
they
truly
do
live
in
that
moment
because
that
is
all
they
know.
Right.
So
being
there
with
her,
I
learned
more
and
more
how
to
be
present
in
that
moment
because
one
moment
she
you
know,
I
would
joke
with
her.
She'd
be
like,
she
was
hot,
and
then
two
minutes
later
she
was
cold.
I'd
be
like,
You're
hot,
cold,
hot,
cold,
you
know.
Um
but
I
learned
more
how
to
be
mindful
and
to
be
in
that
moment
with
her
because
that
was
the
only
moment
I
had
with
that.
Right.
You
know,
and
it
is
really
hard
to
do
in
general
to
find
that,
but
by
being
mindful,
you
can
kind
of
try
to
find
your
village
again.
And
your
book,
The
Village
Solution,
it
is
on
your
website,
correct?
Yes,
there's
a
sample
chapter
there.
Okay.
And
now
is
it
available
to
purchase
anywhere?
Not
yet.
It's
uh
not
quite
yet
in
print.
It's
coming
soon,
but
it's
not
out
yet.
Okay.
Um
so
if
people
wanted
to
learn
more
about
all
this,
they
can
go
to
your
website,
correct?
Yes,
the
website
has
sample
chapters,
um,
it
has
uh
free
free
hour
talks
people
can
attend.
Uh
there's
uh
sign
up
for
a
newsletter.
Uh
there's
there's
a
fair
bit
there
for
people
to
to
learn
more.
Okay.
And
it's
Carl
Nassar.com
slash
landing.
Is
that
correct?
Or
is
that
you
can
just
do
carlnassar.com.
Okay.
That'll
work.
That'll
get
them
right
there.
That'll
get
them
right
there
for
that.
And
then
and
you
also
have
a
lot
of
that's
where
I
found
a
lot
of
your
articles,
which
I
thought
were
very
interesting
as
well.
Yeah.
Because
you've
been
in
psychology
today
for
a
lot
of
times,
correct?
Yeah,
for
a
couple
of
years
I've
been
writing
a
column,
call
a
regular
column
for
them.
Oh,
okay.
So
yeah,
you
can
uh
people
can
get
your
your
um
your
articles
and
that.
Uh
I
was
talking
earlier.
Have
you
speaking
of
Winnie
the
Pooh,
but
did
you
ever
read
the
the
Tao
of
Pooh
and
the
Tay
of
Piglet?
The
Tao
of
Pooh
is
sitting
just
across
from
me
over
here.
Okay.
Very
familiar
with
it.
I
never
did
pick
up
the
second
book.
Okay.
I
must
admit
to
not
having
the
second
one.
But
uh
I
bought
that
back,
I
think,
in
the
early
90s,
was
it
when
it
first
came
out?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Loved
that
book.
I
absolutely
fell
in
love
with
it.
Yeah.
People
can
learn
a
lot
from
Winnie
the
Pooh.
I
agree.
Yeah.
I'm
right
there
with
you.
Yeah.
Yes.
So,
you
know,
and
even
though
we're
feeling
lonely,
we
need
to
find
our
village,
whoever
they
are.
That's
right.
Whether
it's
a
pig
and
a
bunny
and
a
bear
and
a
bouncing
tigger.
Um,
you
know,
we
whatever,
whatever
eclectic
set
of
characters
it
takes,
finding
our
way
back
to
each
other
is
what
matters
so
much.
Yes,
and
that
can
help
you
through
all
of
the
hard
times
in
life
for
it.
Absolutely.
Thank
you
so
much
for
joining
us.
I've
learned
so
much
today.
Yeah,
I
really
enjoyed
my
time
with
you.
Thanks,
Lisa,
for
having
me
on
and
for
having
the
show
in
the
first
place.
And
what
a
beautiful
way
to
honor
your
mother.
Well,
thank
you.
So,
well,
I
hope
everybody
has
enjoyed
this
episode.
Hopefully,
we
can
help
you
find
your
village.
Uh
so
uh
please
make
sure
you
leave
a
review,
like
us,
subscribe
to
us
on
YouTube,
and
hopefully
you
enjoyed
your
cup
of
coffee,
your
cup
of
tea,
or
if
you
had
that
really
bad
day,
a
glass
of
wine,
and
just
know
you
are
not
alone.
And
join
us
for
another
edition
of
Patty's
Place.