Blog

Speaker 1:
0:01

Okay, all right. All right, so well, welcome to Patty's Place, the place where we talk about grief, dementia and caregiving. Today we have two special guests Dr Tim Walden, who's a professor here at University of St Francis, and we also have Dr Travis Staub. Did I say that right?

Speaker 1:
0:22

Yes, that's right, travis Staub, did I say that right? Yes, that's right, and you work with Rush University Medical Center. So today we're going to talk a lot about dementia and the research that's going on. Dr Walden, you wanted to start with talking about dementia, and it's one of the top 10 leading causes of death as well.

Speaker 3:
0:39

Yes, thank you, lisa. It's great to be here, hi, travis.

Speaker 2:
0:44

Hi, great to be here.

Speaker 3:
0:45

Yeah, thank Hi. Unfortunately, 7.2 million Americans live with Alzheimer's disease dementia in the USA. Now that number could grow to 13.8 million by 2060. And Lisa was exactly right it's the seventh leading cause of death. In 2022, over 120,000 Americans died from Alzheimer's. Now the affliction is so named after it was so named in 1906 after the German pathologist Aloy Alzheimer's.

Speaker 3:
1:15

Now, alzheimer's dementia is a neurodegenerative disorder affecting memory, mood, language, mood, language, situational tension and more. And I want to get to some other factors dealing with Alzheimer's to show the influence of the scourge. Nearly 12 million family members and other unpaid caregivers provide over 19 billion hours of Alzheimer's just in 2024. Unpaid care for Alzheimer's was valued at over $413 billion that same year. This is really important. Mt Connolly, the author of the Measure of Our Age, writes that caring for another is a profound act, and that statement there says it all. We can continue. Just one more note on this, or just a few more. In 2025, the total payments for health care for Alzheimer's and this includes hospice and long-term care was $384 billion. As a philosopher, I'm concerned with this, because I'm concerned with and focused on thinking. I come from a tradition that says, for example, know thyself, and I think, therefore I am, and whenever thinking is impaired and something like memory is affected, it's really important. So I think it's something that we have to understand better and commit to more.

Speaker 1:
2:50

Definitely, we definitely need to do that. So, dr Travis, can you tell us a little bit about the Rush University, the Alzheimer's Disease Center and the research you're working on?

Speaker 2:
3:01

Yeah, so the Rush Alzheimer's disease center, located here in the fine city of chicago, has been in business for quite some time now and we do many different studies throughout the chicagoland area. I was a I was a graduate student when I started working with the center here. I'm no longer working with them now, but I did a lot of work in neuroimaging and Alzheimer's disease. So one of the things that I wanted to talk about was dementia, kind of like the umbrella.

Speaker 2:
3:32

Dementia is considered to be like the umbrella of many different types of cognitive difficulties, and one of those cognitive difficulties is classified as Alzheimer's disease and there's many others that can be kind of overlapping with Alzheimer's disease, something like vascular dementia, having tiny little strokes in different areas of the brain, dementia with Lewy bodies having different type of pathology from Alzheimer's disease, and sometimes a different type of dementia cognitive decline. There's also something called frontal temporal dementia, which affects the frontal and temporal lobes of the brain, which causes sometimes different types of cognitive decline than Alzheimer's disease. So I kind of wanted to go over that for our listeners here and kind of talk about the different types of this. So it's not just Alzheimer's disease that we're dealing with here. There's other dimensions, but Alzheimer's disease tends to be the largest of them all and what the Rush Alzheimer's Disease Center deals with and researches the most.

Speaker 1:
4:45

Yeah, and I think that people do get confused. They hear Alzheimer's and they think it's just one, but there's so many different ones. The Lewy body disease I know that was part of what Robin Williams had too, I believe, with the Parkinson's.

Speaker 2:
5:00

Right, yes.

Speaker 1:
5:01

And sometimes some of those symptoms can be a couple different things, because when it comes to the brain, then we have motor skills different. I think that people don't always realize when they think they think, oh, you're just losing your memory, but really it's the whole brain that these, the dementia, affects.

Speaker 2:
5:21

That's right, yeah, and there's different. You know these areas are tightly related and closely, you know, close to each other. So sometimes you have some overlap. And for instance, there was a study done, a couple, a few studies done, that looked at the pathology of Alzheimer's disease and they noticed that it wasn't just Alzheimer's pathology in a lot of these brains there was sometimes Lewy body disease and Alzheimer's disease and some vascular dementia too. So as we age a lot of these things can combine and we can have multiple different types of dementia in one, you know, in one brain and it can be pretty common.

Speaker 2:
6:00

And there's also other factors, like when we think about maybe you know someone, a family member or something is having memory issues, it might be important to see a neurologist because it could be other diseases that can be easily cured. Things like epilepsy can cause very, you know, acute memory loss, but then you'll get that back after you have your seizures over. So things like that, like depression increases, you know certain hormones in the body that can cause memory problems, but if you treat the depression, sometimes the memory gets better. So these are things that it's really important that if you do start to have some memory problems, that you see a neurologist, because a lot of things, some of these things, can be preventable that you see a neurologist, because a lot of things, some of these things, can be preventable.

Speaker 1:
6:52

Yes, that's very true. A lot of people they don't realize how it's all connected with everything. What would you say would be the signs or symptoms of dementia that somebody should really like get more studies done or get more testing done.

Speaker 2:
7:03

Yeah, I always bring up the point of you know, remembering what you had for breakfast or dinner the previous day, or if you notice odd behavior from a family member where they keep repeating things that they just told you. Things like that are kind of red flags for a dementia memory problem. And then, of course, other things. Like you know, acute changes like that can be more indicative of vascular um. Issues like stroke are very important too, um, and I think you know we need to increase awareness for those things and um that can also contribute to like a vascular dementia that can also contribute to like a vascular dementia, and because you know that's how people think oh, it's just normal aging.

Speaker 1:
7:51

But those are things that people should look at and really kind of watch their family member or themselves, Right, Because?

Speaker 2:
7:56

that's right. Yeah, yeah, definitely. You know, we, the people that we talk to every day, we kind of notice these little things over time. The people that we talk to every day, we kind of notice these little things over time. And these are things that we need to. You know, hey, you know grandma, or hey, you know mom doesn't seem like she used to. Let's maybe bring her to a neurologist to have them do some more formal testing so we can understand better what's going on. I have a story about my father-in-law recently had an infection. We had no idea, but he started to talk funny and start to see things what we call delirium. That was easily cured when we found out that his skull bladder was infected and he had that removed and now he's back to his normal self of good memory and not having hallucinations. So these things are as we age. We have our as we age. You know we have to watch our loved ones and notice these things going on and bring that attention to our physician.

Speaker 1:
8:53

Definitely, because, yeah, sometimes it is something completely different and it can be fixed easily, you know. But I know people get scared right away. They're like, oh no, I have. You know, I have dementia and it might not be. I know there's been a lot of stories in the news lately too about Alzheimer's drugs and stuff. They all seem to be effective if we catch the disease early. Do you have any idea, like why you think that is, if they can catch it early with the drugs or if it's even beneficial.

Speaker 2:
9:24

Yeah, that's a great point, so, right.

Speaker 2:
9:26

So there's, there's some. There are some good drugs that are that are out now Um, um, um, not really curing or um, alzheimer's disease totally Um, um, so that that drug is still um, hopefully, that there's labs that are working on that that cure Um, but that can start to slow down the disease. And the issue is, you know, if the destruction is already done, it's really hard to repair the brain, right? So if we can stop this as early as possible and there's an early point in Alzheimer's disease, what we call mild cognitive impairment and that's kind of like the first signs of some memory problems or maybe some language problems or something similar like that, if you notice those things, that if your loved one or yourself are, you know it's okay for them to get the medication. They can maybe be trialed on it.

Speaker 2:
10:20

You know when they're diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, as soon as they are. You know when they're diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease as soon as they are. So there's a lot of encouraging studies coming up, but we don't have that drug that can cure it just yet. But you know, I would say that if you have a loved one that you know that you're concerned about talk to your neurologist, because they're the ones that are going to know what the newest, best treatments are for those people.

Speaker 1:
10:47

Do you think we'll ever get a medicine that can maybe help when they're in the later stages? Or is it just the brain? So far gone it's just not going to.

Speaker 2:
10:55

I certainly hope you know there was some encouraging drugs that were out in the past that we thought were going to be, you know, plaque, what we would call plaque busters that's one of the main pathologies in Alzheimer's is these amyloid plaques, and it didn't turn out to be. The problem is they have a lot of side effects and, you know, amyloid is actually not a bad thing unless it's, you know, in the bad form, as it is in Alzheimer's disease. So these are the things that I think more and more research will help us understand better what we have to target exactly. My work was in neuroimaging and we could detect the disease pretty early before actually there was a decline. The issue was, as always do we have that drug that we can use? At that time? We really don't know who exactly is going to develop Alzheimer's disease, so it's a tricky area to try to predict who's going to get it and who should be treated.

Speaker 1:
11:59

Because we really don't know what causes it right?

Speaker 2:
12:04

We really don't know why yeah, why this happens. There are some genetic causes of Alzheimer's that we understand, but the you know the big but big issues like that. Dr Weldon was talking about the large numbers of what we call sporadic or random Alzheimer's disease. There's really no, we don't really know why some people get it and why some people don't. That's why this research at these different centers in Chicago are very important, at these different centers in Chicago are very important.

Speaker 3:
12:36

Yes, definitely, it is very important which then leads into oh yes, definitely Travis. I was wondering, because I think our listeners will wonder about this too is there a way to prevent dementia, or is there a best way to prevent dementia? And I have one article that I was reading, since we've talked last Travis, which was just about a month or six weeks ago. His name is Dr Patty Barrett and he said the best way to prevent dementia is exercise and he says there's a clear linear relationship between fitness levels and the risk of dementia. Higher fitness equals lower risk of dementia. Risk of dementia, higher fitness equals lower risk of dementia. And he said this in an April 12, 2025 article.

Speaker 2:
13:27

I wonder what would be your opinion on something like that. Yeah, that's a great point. So how can we, what can we do? Right, because we don't have these blockbuster medications and what can we do? So there's many different things. So the things that are great for the brain are also that are great for the heart excuse me, are great for the brain. So exercise is so valuable.

Speaker 2:
13:43

I think we don't know, we don't understand the mechanisms of why it's so valuable, but we know that from the outcome studies that we've seen that exercise is really, that we've seen that exercise is really and actually for Parkinson's disease. Exercising early is actually the first treatment that they tell patients with Parkinson's disease because, for some reason, it really helps before you start giving medication. So exercise, I think, is underrated. And there's other things too, like your diet, and I know it's really hard for me as well to exercise too, but also to change your diet so that you know we stop eating saturated fats and poor foods, fast foods and things like that, and we eat things that are healthy, you know. So Rush came up with a diet called the Mind Diet, and if you look that up on Google, you'll see it's like a Mediterranean diet, high in fish and nuts and berries and things like that, things that we know are good for us and that we should be eating every day, and so those are the things that can really help exercise eating healthy and then keeping your mind active.

Speaker 2:
14:57

That's one of the things that there's help exercise, eating healthy and then keeping your mind active. That's one of the things that there's been a few studies that have shown that keeping your mind active is really important and that can be, you know, reading, doing crossword puzzles, games, things like that, to keep your mind sharp, and the idea of you know use it or lose it is really a thing you know your brain will do what you want it to do as long as you keep it active. So those are the best ways, I think, to try to reduce your risk. There was a study that recently came out from Rush here that's showing that the areas in the city with lower income and lower resources they tend to have more incidence, more, you know, awareness about helping to prevent, but also having these people having the lower income areas. See, you know neurologists have access to, to medicine, so those are that's important as well.

Speaker 1:
16:14

Well, definitely, and I think, yeah, people get scared and don't realize that they can go to the doctor. And those are easy things that we can all do, because you do fall into that trap. It's so easy to get fast food and oh, I'm too tired to exercise, and all that. Well, I know I've also read too like socialization being able, especially when because a lot of times people think Alzheimer's it's in the elderly, so it's important for them to also have social right to be out and talking to people. That can help.

Speaker 2:
16:44

That's right.

Speaker 2:
16:45

Yeah, they found that there's been research that has found that people with more connections, more individual friends that they speak with on a weekly basis or mostly on a daily basis, they actually are able to have less incidence of Alzheimer's disease.

Speaker 2:
17:00

So that's important is to keep those social connections so that you don't seem isolated. And it's important for loved ones who become disabled too. They might still be very sharp, but if they're disabled they might not have that contact that they used to have with other people. So it's important to try to remain in contact with your family members who may not have the access to do that, and that can help, you know, stave off the disease. And also, education is a big deal, and I know talking to you know university people here, so I encourage people to stay to keep you know studying, and they found that people with higher education are actually able to stave off the disease longer, but they also decline faster. So it seems to be what we call this cognitive reserve. If that's higher, you're able to stave off the disease longer before you start to decline.

Speaker 1:
18:04

Well, there's just another good reason to go to college. Then right, that's, right, that's right University of St Francis. There you go, that's right, you could push off the dementia longer because you're studying. That's right, that's a good thing. So you know what? What are some things we need to consider when a family member is diagnosed with dementia, like the cost of care and different things that all go into it, because it really truly they're there, but they're no longer there.

Speaker 1:
18:33

You know, with it and it's hard for someone to understand that that you really have to start taking care of them almost like they're a toddler again.

Speaker 2:
18:44

Yeah, Care is a big issue and it puts a lot of stress on family members. But also thinking about your own care at that age too and that's one of the things that I saw when I did Alzheimer's research was that the family members were under a lot of stress and they're worried about themselves in the future, you know, being like mom or dad, and it's really a global issue and we have different cultures, right. So here in the US we tend not to live with our parents, where in Asian countries, or so they may take in mom and dad when they're older. So it's also part of the culture too and it's really important and it's a really big issue. As far as, like you say, cost and caring for mom and dad when they start to decline with Alzheimer's disease, it's a real big issue. As Dr Weldon said in his remarks, it's very expensive and a lot of time caring for our family members.

Speaker 1:
19:54

Don't you have a stat, Dr Weldon, about the cost?

Speaker 3:
19:57

Yeah, the cost I've seen on the low end is $4,000 a month, but it goes up in excess of $8,000 a month, which could be daunting for just not only Americans but people the world over, because, according to the United Nations, aging is a defining global trend well, yeah, because the baby boomers are all getting older now, so it's coming into play.

Speaker 1:
20:23

And yeah, four thousand is very cheap. I know for myself. When my mom was in memory care, my dad paid over seven thousand a month, and that doesn't count any. Like like supplies that you need. You know, know they end up with diapers and pads and and like the insure shakes and all those types of things that you end up having to get with it. So there's so much to consider, and even if you're taking care of your family member at home, you still have all those costs as well, too, with it.

Speaker 2:
20:55

Definitely in your time. Those costs as well, too. With it definitely in your time, um, and and you know, uh, we're dealing with it right now with my, my in-laws, um, and you're right that that 7 000 is the low, not the low end because there's so much more that goes into it.

Speaker 2:
21:11

They have, they need nursing care and things like that. And um, they have other health issues, you, that they have to deal with there. Not only do they have, you know, the Alzheimer's, but they may have, you know, high blood pressure and other issues. So you know it's really difficult nursing care and very expensive and a financial burden for society as a whole.

Speaker 1:
21:34

Yes, it definitely is, and it's hard to get them Sometimes not only getting them, they get the diagnosis but then to actually get them into a facility is difficult too, sometimes to find the right place for them.

Speaker 2:
21:46

A lot of them have waiting lists and things like that. Yeah.

Speaker 1:
21:50

What that, uh, Dr Weldon, do you have more about that?

Speaker 3:
21:54

Yeah, just people ask well, what is going on here? And a lot of this deals with the longevity dividend here. I mean, in 1950, the average American lifespan was 65 years old. That's again in 1950. Now we're approaching 78 years and we see that there are great things that go with that, I think. But we also have to combat what comes with it. That may be, you know, negative, and certainly dementia is one of those, and it will only continue. The number of Americans, for example, ages 100 and older is projected to more than quadruple in the next three decades, and older is projected to more than quadruple in the next three decades. So you'll have more than 400,000 in 2054. And that's a great thing.

Speaker 2:
22:47

We just want to make sure that we can take care of everyone. Yeah, that's a great point. And so there's a study that there's actually a group of studies that Northwestern is doing on what we call super-agers. These are people who are living into their 90s and over 100, but still have this great super memory like they're in their 20s still, and what they're trying to do is understand. You know what are they doing? That's different from you know, those who declined to get dementia, and it's a great study. Those are great studies to read. And what can we do and what can separate these quote unquote super-agers from the rest of people who decline? Because there's a theory that, like you were saying, dr Weldon, as you get older, that you will. You know that age is a risk factor for dementia and so, as you get older, your chances of having dementia is much higher. And so what can we do to help prevent that and the cost and the crisis of time and money that go with this crisis?

Speaker 1:
23:59

and money that go with this crisis. Yeah, definitely. I mean it's combined, and then it gives you anxiety sometimes when you start thinking about all of that. So, like for somebody like me who my mom had Alzheimer's, you know, I think I go back and forth because there's blood tests and stuff right that you can take to see if you would have it, have the gene.

Speaker 2:
24:21

Oh right. Yeah, let's talk about genes a little bit. So there's an early Alzheimer's, a whole set of genes and you kind of know from your family because these are like before 65. So people are getting Alzheimer's early, so those are more rare. Yeah, there's one gene called APOE and you can look at your risk factor If you have the APOE allele 4, especially if you have two of those that you're at higher risk for getting Alzheimer's. We don't know the details of why this is the case, but, like you say, like we were saying earlier, if you're eating healthy and exercising and doing everything you can, that's really all you can do as of right now to prevent. So do you really want to know if you're going to, if you have a higher chance of getting Alzheimer's by looking at that gene?

Speaker 2:
25:16

I think most of those over-the-counter gene testing. I think they actually will look at that. Now look at those alleles to see if you have that. But that's, you know, that's one of the major risk factors that can predict Alzheimer's, but otherwise there really is no other predicting factor.

Speaker 1:
25:37

Yeah, I know I go back and forth. I'm like, do I want to know? I don't know, Like it's kind of scary.

Speaker 2:
25:43

It is scary, it's very scary, and you know what are you going to do if you know? Right, yeah, it's really. Some people say I just want to know because I want to get things in order and I want to know. But some people are like, hey, I don't want to know because you know it's like you say it's scary, but we can do these, we can do preventable things that can, even if you have those alleles that can reduce your risk.

Speaker 1:
26:11

Well, that's good to know. With that, Dr Walden, do you?

Speaker 3:
26:14

have. No, I just want to say it's always great talking with you, Travis, because we appreciate the positivity here. I'm heartened and I'm encouraged you know, inspired to kind of like change what I'm doing, looking at, you know, looking again at diet, habits and information that we have to keep updated on.

Speaker 2:
26:36

Yeah, and you know, and going to your doctor. I mean this sounds silly, but going to your doctor every year is a really big deal because you know having high blood pressure can increase your chance. You know these things that we just have high cholesterol you can get, you know, have a higher risk for vascular dementia. So getting those yearly checkups is a big deal and some people like, especially men, you know we always, whatever we don't need to go to the doctor, right?

Speaker 3:
27:00

Yeah, there's some doctor dodging going on there. Right, that's right. I'm one of the biggest problems. I'm like go to the doctor.

Speaker 2:
27:08

I'm like, okay, getting your skin checked for cancer, because you know that sort of thing skin cancer can lead to, you know, metastasis and death and things like that. So all these things that we can do to prevent, and this is why, like you said, dr Weldon, this is why everybody's living so long. We have this great health system in the US and great care, and we need to utilize that and to improve our own health. There's such great medications for cholesterol now that can reduce your risk for vascular issues and stroke and Alzheimer's or, sorry, vascular dementia and things like that, and so all the things that we know that we're supposed to do. We need to do these and I'm one of the biggest violators of that. You know.

Speaker 3:
27:58

The cheeseburger looks much better than salmon with broccoli, go for the black beans and rice next time Travis. Okay, next time I see you, that's what we'll have.

Speaker 2:
28:10

And even the director, david Bennett, of the Rush Alzheimer's Disease Center. He said I force myself to exercise every day. You know, that's an inspiration for me, like, hey, I need to do this. He sees the results of his studies, you know, so I need to get out there and do some cardio today. It's not easy, though.

Speaker 1:
28:29

So if somebody wanted to be part of a trial or a study, is that easy to do, you know? Because sometimes people feel like, well, my family member had it or they might be able to help others my family member had it, or that they might be able to help others.

Speaker 2:
28:47

Yeah, so if you go on the, if you kind of search the Rush Alzheimer's Disease Center, they have different studies that are going on all the time and they have a big group of studies in the Beverly area of the city, so like the south part of the city that they focus on. But but if there's any studies that you see there, you can definitely check that out and sign up for a study. It really helps when, when we have volunteers that can help us out in our research, we really appreciate those. Those are the lone heroes, the people that are that we can volunteer for studies.

Speaker 1:
29:25

Well, definitely, because it can always help someone else. And one last thing too, like when you're dealing with a person with dementia, what do you think are some of the best things you can do for that person, because they're still your loved ones even though they have this huge disease? What advice would you give the caregiver?

Speaker 2:
29:45

Yeah. So I still think you know the golden rule, right? I mean, do unto others. And how would you feel if you were in that position and how would you want to be treated? And that's really the key is you know mom and dad. Although they may not remember you, they're still mom or dad, right, and they still need our love and care, and more so in these trying times.

Speaker 2:
30:09

It's really difficult, though it's really hard, because they disappear slowly. And we're dealing with this with my mother-in-laws my wife the other day. She's crying in the bathroom like, oh, I lost my mom already. It's so heart-wrenching and it's really difficult to go through these things. But having that support with your family, when you know another family is dealing with this, it's such a big deal to say, hey, do you need some help? And reach out and provide that help to your friends and other family members who have family members that are experiencing this. And I think we had a great discussion a few times ago when I was at St Francis about you know that person is gone, but they're still there.

Speaker 2:
31:03

It really made me think and I still think about that.

Speaker 3:
31:08

Travis, that's exactly right. That's great advice. We're treating the disease. However, always, we're loving the person.

Speaker 2:
31:16

That's right. That's right. And it's really difficult when they slip away slowly and you're watching this happen. They have good days and bad days and it's really hard. You know these things aren't easy, but you know we have our faith and hopefully medicine will make strides and I know that there's a lot of dedicated people, especially here at Rush, that are looking for answers.

Speaker 1:
31:47

It, definitely it is. You do you feel like you lose the person twice with it and it is really hard with it. Go ahead, dr Walden.

Speaker 3:
31:56

No, just keep up the great work, travis. I mean you're one of the lone heroes out there as well. I mean coming to visits. The students are always anticipating your visits and talking about it still.

Speaker 2:
32:07

Oh, I love it. I love to talk about it and get the word out and educate. It's really great and thank you so much for the invitation. I love talking with you guys.

Speaker 1:
32:16

Oh well, thank you, and, like I said, people can go onto the Rush University website and learn more about the Alzheimer's Disease Center as well. I've been on that website and they have a lot of good information too, like what we talked about. There's a whole thing on there about the MIND diet and things that you could do. There's a whole book about it as well.

Speaker 2:
32:37

you can get from the library or somewhere else, yeah, and they have all their research studies that they have published all on one site, so it's a really great resource if you're interested.

Speaker 1:
32:49

Definitely, because I think for me, I know I found with my mom and even now, the more I can understand and the more I learn about it, I feel like I can help. I was able to help her and then help other people because it's such a big disease. We're always learning.

Speaker 2:
33:06

Yeah, and there is the Alzheimer's Association too, and they're based out of Chicago and you know they're right down the road here and they really are there to support patients and families. So if you need resources, reach out to them, to the Alzheimer's Association, and if you're thinking of donating, that's one great thing and I've been on the grant review process for that. They have some great research that is coming through there, so it's a great resource that we have right in our city.

Speaker 1:
33:38

Oh, definitely yeah, their website is. They have a lot of good information on there as well, too.

Speaker 2:
33:43

Yeah, they focus a lot on people that are supporting those who have Alzheimer's as well, so it's a really good resource.

Speaker 1:
33:49

Yes, and Dr Walden, do you have any parting words for us?

Speaker 3:
33:52

Yes, one great takeaway here. I'm pledging here the mind diet.

Speaker 1:
33:55

Yes, I'm getting on that, yes.

Speaker 2:
33:57

Let's do it.

Speaker 1:
34:00

Okay, yeah, we can do it. We can do it because you got it.

Speaker 2:
34:06

And, like you said, what's good for the heart is good for the brain.

Speaker 1:
34:08

That's right, exactly that's one good takeaway for us. Well, thank you so much for joining me here on patty's place. Yes, and hopefully, you know, I'm sure we'll talk again for it. So I hope every all of our listeners have enjoyed it, hope they had a good cup of coffee, good cup of tea, and we will see you next time right here on Patty's Place. Thanks, thank you.

Speaker 3:
34:28

Thank you.

Speaker 1:
0:16

Welcome to Patty's Place, a place where you can sit and relax as we talk about topics as grief, dementia and caregiving. So pull up a cup of tea, a cup of coffee or a glass of wine if that's what you need. Tonight and today. I thought we would talk about self-care and self-compassion when you're caregiving and also as you're going through grief, because we tend to always take care of everybody else but it's hard to take care of ourself, to find that time to do what we need to do. But it's just as important because you have to think about it. If you get sick, you're not feeling good. How do you take care of your loved one? So sometimes we hold a lot Well, I can only speak for myself, but we hold a lot in our body, right? We hold a lot of emotion in our body and sometimes you just have to allow yourself space to release that emotion, even in a healthy way. Maybe you're just having a day and you're like I just need to scream, it's just too much. So maybe find a safe place to scream, maybe scream into your pillow. If that's what you need to do, you might feel better. Maybe for some people, they need to go exercise. Whether you go for a run, a walk in the pool, you take a class. Maybe that helps you. Maybe it's listening to some music that can help you release. Maybe it's listening to a bunch of sad, sad songs and you cry, you know. Or maybe you're listening to a lot of angry music and it makes you feel better because you just need to get that out with it. You know, maybe you need to punch a pillow or play with some Play-Doh over and over and over again. Or maybe you need to punch a pillow or play with some playdough over and over and over again. Or maybe you need to bake something and you take out the rolling pin and you smash things and you're rolling out. Get all your aggression out. Maybe that's what you need to do. When it makes you feel better, maybe you want to write it out. Maybe that makes you feel better. You can go ahead and write out. Maybe you journal or you just write out how you're feeling in that moment. Journal or you just write out how you're feeling in that moment. Maybe for you, you want to draw. You know it helps you, it relaxes you. You draw, you know there's a lot of drawing apps or there's coloring apps. Maybe that's what makes you feel better.

Speaker 1:
2:36

Sometimes I would come home from after seeing my mom and I literally would take my iPad and I would play games and I would color, because I just needed to just shut down. I couldn't think, I just didn't want to think and I'd put the TV on and that's what I would do. Next thing I knew an hour had gone by and I had spent an hour on the iPad playing Candy Crush and coloring, you know. But it made me feel better and maybe, maybe again, like, maybe it's something you just need comfort from, maybe it's something low energy or you just need low brain power for a while. Like I said, listening to music or even nature sounds. I know for me sometimes that's how I, you know, I get I'd have a day and I'd go see her and I'd come home and I'd try to relax or try to do what I needed to do, and then it'd be time for me to go to bed and then there I'd be and all these things would rush through my head and I couldn't sleep. And I found, for me, nature sounds could always make me go to sleep. For me, it was the rain sounds for it, so that might help. You might find some sounds that just help you relax and the rain sounds for it, so that might help. You might find some sounds that just help you relax and help you sleep with it. Or you know what? Maybe you need to go in and take a hot shower. Maybe that helps you in the morning or in the evening, or maybe at night. You just need to say you know what, I'm going in and I'm taking a nice bath and I just need to relax and leave me alone for a minute.

Speaker 1:
4:06

It's hard when you're caregiving, because you're always thinking, you're always doing, you're always trying to take care of that person. So you've got your own life to take care of. But then you're always thinking I have doctor's appointments to schedule for this person, I have prescriptions I need to take care of. You know, are they missing diapers? Are they missing pads? You know, what is it that I need? Maybe I need to go get them new clothes. Do I need to order them a special chair? What about a walker? You're thinking of all these things that you need to do, and you also have to take care of yourself. What about your prescriptions, or your doctor's appointments, or your appointments? Or maybe you're also still taking care of kids and you have all of their issues that you need to take care of. So it's a lot. So maybe you say you know what a half hour, 45 minutes I'm going to take a bath and I don't care, don't bother me.

Speaker 1:
5:05

But it's hard when you're caregiving because you're always thinking about the other person and everything else and you get really tired. For some people it might be that they can't sleep. Other people, all they can do is sleep and maybe that's okay. Maybe you just find a really comfy chair or your bed. Maybe you go up there early to bed or you sit in the chair and you're like I'm putting on TV, I'm putting on Netflix, I don't know what I'm watching and you fall asleep and maybe that's what you need for that hour. And again, maybe that's where you watch a show or a movie. Or you know you scroll and you're watching YouTube or that, or TikTok or Instagram, and you just want to do that.

Speaker 1:
5:38

Maybe you find, you know, maybe for you, watching dog videos makes you happy. You know there's so many of those Like for me. Watching dog videos makes you happy. You know there's so many of those Like for me. That makes me laugh. That always makes me happy. I can find the dog videos and it makes me smile, you know, because I love dogs or something like that. Or you know, maybe you're just like I can't. I just can't watch anything that has to do with grief or anything that's sad, and that's okay. I just can't watch anything that has to do with grief or anything that's sad, and that's okay. Maybe that's when you put on those comforting shows like Friends or Big Bang Theory or any show that makes you laugh or cry, or just you find comfort in it. You know, maybe it's an old show, maybe it's a new show, and you just put them on and maybe you fall asleep to it, but you just feel that comfort Because even in those half hour you need that.

Speaker 1:
6:26

You need to just block everything out and just rest for a little bit. Make sure you drink a lot of water and you stay hydrated. It sounds crazy, but sometimes when you're running, running, running, trying to take care of the person whether they're living with you or they're in a facility you're running. You have to take care of yourself, and sometimes you're so tired you're like oh, I'll stop at Starbucks, I'll stop at Dunkin', I'll get that iced coffee, I'll be okay, I keep running, running, running. But your body needs fluids, so it's important that you drink fluids and stretch too. That might sound crazy too. You're like, no, I'm running, I got to do this, I got to do that. But sometimes taking those 10 minutes just to stretch your body can help you as well.

Speaker 1:
7:09

And for some people, when we're in the middle of grief or when we're in the middle of caregiving, we forget to eat, like we don't even check in with ourselves Are we hungry? It's important that you eat too, because maybe you're so busy and so worried about making sure that your loved one eats. I know for a long time it would be with my mom. We would be checking like did she eat anything? At the end, I would go to Dunkin Donuts every morning because she would eat the plain donut with the just the icing chocolate or strawberry or vanilla with the sprinkles, and she would eat it, and at that point I didn't care if it was high calorie. At least it was something that she ate. You know, my dad and I would go to the store and sometimes we'd stand in the store and be like okay, maybe she'll eat this, maybe she'll eat that. So it's important that you eat too for it, and sometimes we find that we we navigate towards that comfort food, and that's okay too.

Speaker 1:
8:05

You know, when you're going through taking care of your loved one or your grief, sometimes you need that ice cream, or you need that cupcake or cookie or that piece of candy that makes you feel better, and that's okay. You know, sometimes you just need that for it and maybe you find yourself finding some comforting rituals. Or maybe it's a spiritual practice, maybe it's meditation or breathing exercises that you can learn, and just maybe that's what you do when you're feeling overwhelmed in the middle of everything. Maybe you take a minute and you just breathe. It sounds crazy, but sometimes if you just sit there and you just let yourself have some deep breaths and you can feel a little bit better.

Speaker 1:
8:55

For some people, scents also makes you feel better. Some people, like I'm going to light a candle or incense and maybe you're going to diffuse some essential oils, and those make you feel better. For that, you know, maybe those are the little things that you do. Just find something. I know sometimes for me, especially at night, if I'm having a hard time sleeping with it, I'll grab the blanket that was on my mom. She had the blanket on her last week and sometimes I just grab it and I hold it at night because it just makes me feel close to her. Maybe there's a blanket, a piece of clothing or something that you have with it.

Speaker 1:
9:37

And then also, you need to make sure that you think about compassionate thoughts, think about things that make you feel better and be able to say you know, I did this today and that's okay. Or maybe you say, you know what? I didn't get it all done today, and that's okay. I have a hard time with that one, because I'm always thinking about, yeah, but I should have done this and I should have done that and I should have been doing this and that. And it's hard because we're always thinking I should just keep doing things, but it isn't always. Sometimes you have to take that minute and relax with things and, I think too, also with compassion, self-compassion.

Speaker 1:
10:16

I think, whether we're going through caregiving or we're going through grief, I think that there are some things that we need to think about for ourself, because don't you find yourself sometimes you compare your traumas or your grief with people in the caregiving? You know, and I think we need to it's hard not to, especially if you have friends that are going through similar things. It's hard to not compare it, but you shouldn't, because everybody's experience is different. Everybody experiences grief differently. Everybody experiences caregiving differently. There are a lot of similarities, but we shouldn't compare it. So maybe, when you're talking to your friends, ask the questions so you can connect by showing different curiosity about your experience instead of comparing them, because, again, there are going to be things that are similar but there's going to be things that are different.

Speaker 1:
11:14

I also think, too, we don't need to always fact check or correct. You know, especially when we're caregiving and we're in the middle of things and we're in the middle of grief, don't you find yourself sometimes that your timelines get messed up Like you think it happened, you know, two months ago and maybe it was two years ago with it? It's important when you're talking, especially with other people, and hopefully you can say to them too, for yourself, that they respect the experience. It's not so important who's correct, and that's hard sometimes right, because we're listening and people jump in and they want to tell you oh no, this is what you're supposed to do, this is how it happened. It's hard, and sometimes people just need to talk with it. So when you're trying to deal with your grieving friend, or even yourself or other family members, and that sometimes it's just let them be, it's not so important, sometimes who's right.

Speaker 1:
12:13

But I also think too, you, sometimes I think that for ourself, whether we're caregiving or we're going through grief, I know, sometimes I think I minimize my own thoughts or my own situation and I think, oh, it's not that bad or it wasn't that bad, even though it really was. And I also think too, it's important to not minimize other people's grief too. You know, maybe you think, oh my God, can't they just stop? You know this is so out of proportion. But we have to remember everybody's caregiving experience is their own and everybody's grief is their own. So it doesn't really matter what you think about the other person, what they're going through. You shouldn't minimize it. This is what they're feeling, this is what they're going through.

Speaker 1:
13:05

And so being again it's also self-compassion. It's also knowing, too, to be able to set your boundaries and be able to say you know what? Okay, I need to change the subject, because maybe you're not ready to talk about it when you're with your friends. That's self-compassion too. Maybe you know you need to change the subject with it and don't minimize and think that you know you're not important compliments. You know, when someone's in pain Just because if you're in pain, when you're caregiving and you're going through grief and someone's like, yeah, but you're so strong, you're so wonderful, that doesn't really help that person.

Speaker 1:
13:47

That's not really. You know, when you're trying to be self-compassionate to yourself, it's hard because you don't feel that way and then someone's telling you you're just wonderful and you think, no, I'm not. Or they tell you how strong you are and you think, no, I'm not. I don't even know what strong is, and sometimes that would make me mad. When people are like you're so strong, I'm like, what does that even mean? So I think that you need to also, when you're talking with somebody, say I don't know what strong means. When that's great, you think I'm wonderful.

Speaker 1:
14:23

But right now, in this moment, I don't feel that I'm going through too much, and I've realized too, through this caregiving experience and grief, that people really don't know how to talk to each other about these things. We have these set things that we say and it's hard, it's just really hard, and I think what that, too, is. Some people just think, oh, I just need to be your cheerleader and tell you it's going to be okay and you're going to get through it. Well, maybe in that moment you don't know if you're gonna make it. Maybe you feel like I can't do this anymore, I'm failing, I just can't do it.

Speaker 1:
15:04

And for me, what I found is when someone said it's okay, yeah, this situation really sucks, this is terrible. It's okay, yeah, this situation really sucks, this is terrible, you're going through a really difficult situation. It made me feel so much better than someone cheering me on and saying you can do this and you're strong and you can handle it all, because maybe in that moment you don't feel like you can handle it. So, being compassionate to your friends and being compassionate to yourself, to be able to say this is really hard and this is really difficult and I don't know how I'm going to get through it. It's okay to feel that for a few minutes or even for a day, because when you acknowledge it and you sit in that feeling for a little while, you start to feel a little better, like, okay, all right, this is hard, this is difficult, but all right, I can do this. One thing I can get this. One thing, you know.

Speaker 1:
16:01

And the other thing I found too with self-compassion, especially in caregiving and things it's hard to talk about later. It's hard, you know people want to make plans with you. Oh, what about this or what about that? Well, your life is on hold in so many different ways because you want to say, sure, I can meet you, you know, next week, but maybe you don't know how your loved one's going to feel next week, or maybe you don't know how you're going to feel next week, so it's hard to talk about later. We're kind of always in the present moment, even when we don't want to be, but we kind of are. And that's okay, you know, it's really okay. You know, if you tell somebody say I can make tentative plans with you, provide it. You know, xyz is, you know, okay, or I'm feeling okay, I can do it.

Speaker 1:
16:53

Because when you're caregiving things change all the time. Sometimes they change at the last minute. Sometimes you think everything's going okay and then boom, something happens. I think too it's hard. We don't want to always tell everybody well, this worked for me because it might not work for the other person. So I think that we have to learn to trust that we figure out what works for us with self-care and also with our friends what works for them when it comes to self-care. Cause it's hard, you know, cause we want to share and we want to be like, oh, this worked for me. But just cause it worked for me doesn't mean it'll work for you with it, you know, I have found that I try really hard.

Speaker 1:
17:40

You know, when people ask me about stuff, I tell them about my experience. What worked with you know, with me and with my mom and with the help that we got. You know, for me we brought in hospice and serious illness care and it was wonderful, it was absolutely wonderful. I still can't tell you how much help that they brought in and a lot of people don't want to do that. They think they can do it, they can handle it, and it's not so much about that you can't handle it, but at a certain point you need help. And I know a lot of people don't want to do it and that's okay, that's their choice with it. But I have found that when people go, oh, let me look into this, and then they do do it, they're like, oh, my God, this was such a relief, so much that I have this support and I have this help, not only for my loved one but for me. And if people choose not to, that's okay too.

Speaker 1:
18:40

But it's hard, because sometimes you want to tell people, hey, this will work, and you just have to step back if you know that person's not going to do that. I also think, too, that goes along with a lot of times when, especially when you're in the middle of caregiving or you are in the middle of grief, your friends and your family want to give you solutions, and sometimes don't you just feel like you just want to be like, hey, I just need to vent, I just need to say this is what's going on, and it's hard. I don't necessarily want you to tell me to do ABC and all these things that I can do. I don't want a solution, I just need to vent. And so I think that the best thing we can do is make sure that the person wants you to get. They want that consent, that they want that advice. Because it's hard when you see people struggling, you want to fix it for them.

Speaker 1:
19:35

But everybody's different, even if you know in the back of your mind, hey, if they do X, y, z, this will work. But every situation is different and it's really hard and that's part of self compassion when you're caregiving and when you're going through grief for yourself and also for everybody else, it's just so hard, you know, to think about yourself because we're always thinking about other people, especially if we are a caregiver. Because we're always thinking about other people, especially if we are a caregiver, we're always thinking about how we can help the other people and everyone else kind of just goes. You know you don't think about yourself anymore. You think you're thinking I need to do this and I need to do that. And it's really hard to step back and give yourself those five, 10 minutes. You know everyone thinks. You know, oh, self-care it's. You know I'm going to go and I'm going to get a massage and I'm going to go through all these other things. But it doesn't necessarily mean it's a big massage or things like that.

Speaker 1:
20:40

Sometimes we find too that we think that if we just keep moving, we just keep working, working, working, staying busy, that that's how we cope. But really I mean you can do that, but then it always comes back to you. The one thing I have learned is that you really can't run from your feelings. They're going to come back to you one way or another with it. So a lot of times it's just important for you to find that safe place to be able to say how you feel. And sometimes a safe place is finding a person that you can talk to, someone who's going to listen to you and not judge you and not, you know, just tell you what to do Because, again, sometimes you just need to cry, Sometimes you just need to scream, you need to just say I can't do this.

Speaker 1:
21:34

And for those few minutes, those few hours, it's okay to say I can't do this right now, because you're trying to make sense of what your loss is. You're trying to stay connected to your loved one and it's just hard. It's just really, really hard, no matter how you look at it, with it. And you have to figure out too. You have to figure out what self-care and self-compassion is.

Speaker 1:
22:03

Thinking about your triggers too, and I think those are really hard to figure out as well, and we don't always think about those as self-care. I have a hard time with that. I don't always think about that as my self-care, but I'm slowly beginning to realize that triggers are self-care and what I mean. You know, a trigger could be something where, for me it's hard when some people start talking about maybe certain situations in their life or discussing some of their grief or situations in their grief. Sometimes I know, oh, this is going to make me feel way too raw, I'm going to be right there and this isn't the place that I need to think about those things. And it's hard to either try to change the subject or to say to someone, hey, I can't talk about this right now. It doesn't mean you can never talk about it, it just means in that moment you just you can't. You know, and those are hard, so it's hard to figure out what you can do to change those triggers, to help you with self-compassion, I think for me sometimes, when I'm with other people, it's hard when others start talking about things and they go on and on and on about stuff and I don't always know how to change the subject or to get up and go in another room.

Speaker 1:
23:31

For me I'm like, oh, is there a dog? I'll go play with the dog. Or to say to even people who are close to me to be able to say I can't do this, I just I can't, I don't want to talk about this right now and you going on about something else is making me I just can't, because I have found that most people don't realize it. You know, everyone thinks about their own feelings and they don't mean it intentionally, they just they think, oh, you seem like you're okay, so therefore you must be okay. And just because I always say just because I'm up and dressed doesn't mean I'm okay. Just because I'm up, dressed and at work doesn't mean I'm okay. It just means I'm trying to get through the day right now. I'm trying to get through the day right now and I have found that a lot as I was caregiving for my mom and as I'm going through this grief process that some days I'm like, yep, I'm surviving, but doesn't always mean I'm okay. It just means I'm getting through the day.

Speaker 1:
24:35

You know, and I try to do self-care things I try Some days I'm better at it than others and I think that's part of self-care too to be able to say you know what, it's okay. I have a hard time. I always think, oh well, the weekends I should be doing this, this, this and this, and some weekends I just don't have the energy to do it and I have a hard time being able to give myself that grace to say it's okay, it'll get done. It's not. You know, it's not the end of the world if I didn't, you know, get this clean today. But it's hard because we want to keep doing and pushing and I have a hard time putting my feelings and my needs first. I have a really hard time with that, or telling people what I need. I'm great at taking care of other people and put in, advocating and fighting for their needs, but I have a really hard time fighting for myself with it.

Speaker 1:
25:31

So, as we're talking about self-care and self-compassion in caregiving and in grief, think about little different things, like you said, like I said, from taking a break, you know, maybe you start a hobby. Maybe it's a new hobby, maybe it's an old hobby. Maybe you start to do puzzles, you know. Or you do art or woodworking, or maybe you just you know what. I'm just going to find some good books and I'm going to read. Maybe they're short, maybe they're long, that's what I'm going to do. Or watch TV. You find some good movies or TV shows. That's what you want to do.

Speaker 1:
26:03

I know for me, as it starts to get nice out, I like to be able to be outside, sit out on my patio or just enjoy the nice weather. Sometimes that just taking a few minutes sitting out in the nice weather helps me feeling the sun, those few few minutes helps me regenerate and feel like, okay, it's not so bad, I can do this with it, you know. And so maybe that's what you need. Maybe those are those little things.

Speaker 1:
26:31

So I think for today, I think what's the most important is to know that self-care is just as important as taking care of your loved one. As you're going through caregiving and as you're grieving, it's important to take care of yourself, because if you get sick, you can't take care of your loved one. That's what's most important. And it's also okay to ask for help and to say maybe you say, hey, can you come over and sit with your loved one for a little while? Maybe you just need to take a nap, maybe that's what you need. Or maybe you just need to go shopping for yourself, maybe that's what's going to make you happy. It's okay to ask, and I think sometimes we stress ourself out and we think I can do it, I can handle it, it's all you know. I can do this.

Speaker 1:
27:25

But sometimes you need those little hours or minutes to yourself to kind of get yourself re-energized to be able to take care of the rest, because sometimes when you're going through caregiving you don't know how long it's going to be and even grief, grief is ongoing. It's kind of, in a way, never-ending. It just kind of ebbs and flows with it and it's really okay to ask for help and it's okay to try to take care of yourself, even if it's just for a few minutes on one day and maybe for a few hours another day. You'd be surprised how much that helps you, taking those few minutes, that little break, to be able to say I need that, I needed to take care of myself. But I know as caregivers we don't always want to do that. But it's important because you're important too, not just your loved one, for that. So today I thought that's what we talk about here on Patty's Place taking care of ourselves as we care, give as we go through grief. It's hard, but it's also important and there's so many little things and little ways that we can do this. So I hope that these little things have helped as we talk about caregiving and self-care. Hopefully that has helped a little bit for you today.

Speaker 1:
28:46

Please reach out to me, go ahead and send me some emails or comment on my page. I'd love to hear from you or any topics and things like that that you'd like to hear, as we continue on talking about grief and dementia and caregiving right here on Patty's Place. So please reach out to me. I always look forward. I love to interact with you and hear what you are interested in and what's going on, and if this is helping, I really would appreciate that. So please reach out on my page, send me an email or a comment. I'd love to hear from you as well. So we will continue on and we'll continue on talking about grief and dementia and caregiving right here on Patty's Place. So I hope you enjoyed your cup of coffee, your cup of tea, or maybe you just needed wine for the day here, right here on Patty's Place, and I will talk to you next time right here on Patty's Place.