Blog

SPEAKER_01:
0:09

Welcome to Patty's Place, the place where we're gonna talk about grief, dementia, and caregiving. I started this podcast in honor of my mom, Pat, who died from dementia. And so I wanted to have a place where we can come together and realize we're not alone and hopefully find some comfort. So grab your cup of tea, your cup of coffee, or if you're having a really bad day, a glass of wine, and let's just talk about all this stuff. Today I have a special guest. Um his name is Dan Ford. He is the 2025-2026 president of the National Funerals Director Association on the NFDA board of directors. He comes from a funeral service family and always knew he wanted to be a part of the profession. He recognizes the importance of being engaged in his chosen profession and has served on the NFDA and the Connecticut Funeral Directors Association as a volunteer and leader in a number of ways. His service to the association in his home state culminated with his term as president in 2009. And Dan has previously served as Connecticut's representative to the NFDA policy board. He also served on the NFDA's audit task task force, a disaster response work group, convention education task force, budget task force, a spokesperson team, and headquarters operation committee. So welcome, Dan. I'm so glad you could join us.

SPEAKER_00:
1:27

Thank you for having me. I appreciate it.

SPEAKER_01:
1:28

Oh, no problem. Um, and actually, what we're we're gonna talk about a lot of different things, but I'm really excited because I'm a huge dog lover. So uh you do a lot with therapy dogs, correct?

SPEAKER_00:
1:41

I do. I'm very proud to have uh two therapy dogs, believe it or not.

SPEAKER_01:
1:45

Okay, what kind of dogs are they?

SPEAKER_00:
1:47

So Joey, who's our uh we refer to him, well, I primarily do is our little gentleman. Joey is a 10-pound Bijan Shih Tzu mix.

SPEAKER_01:
1:57

Okay. Those are cute.

SPEAKER_00:
2:00

Annie.

SPEAKER_01:
2:01

Oh, Annie, okay.

SPEAKER_00:
2:02

Yeah, Annie Grace is our uh 60-pound golden doodle.

SPEAKER_01:
2:08

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_00:
2:08

So together, the uh dynamic duo of Joey and Annie, they uh bring joy into everyone's lives, including uh my immediate family. So we're we're very happy that they're part of our lives at home and uh part of our funeral home family that we can help others.

SPEAKER_01:
2:29

So, what inspired you to include the therapy dogs in your funeral homes?

SPEAKER_00:
2:33

I have a fellow board member by the name of Chris Christian, and he had uh a therapy dog, and uh we were at a gathering, and Chris and I started talking about it, and my wife got interested, and we've always had uh, you know, Danielle and I, my wife and I have always had uh dogs, and essentially it piqued our curiosity. So on the way home, Danielle says, you know, we really need to do this, uh, not just for having some solace at home, but we need to do this for the funeral home, for our communities that we serve. So uh we reached back out to our buddy Chris and said, Okay, uh, let's talk, let's uh get into this a little bit more and found the right uh breeder. And and basically uh Annie came into our lives and about seven years ago, and here we are. So we we went to have the training take place and get her certified nationally, and the trainer uh actually looked at Joey and said, Why aren't you doing the same for Joey? And we said, Well, we didn't even really think about it. So we got them both, uh, they both ran the gamut and became certified and have uh been, you know, tag teaming things ever since.

SPEAKER_01:
3:48

Have you noticed uh what ways have you noticed uh that the therapy dogs change the atmosphere during the arrangements or the services?

SPEAKER_00:
3:56

Well, in a in a simple statement, they de-escalate pretty much anything and everything that's going on. So you could be having uh the and as an as an animal lover, you know, um the minute that you have uh a furry dog or or any kind of dog for that matter uh come trotting in with their tail wagging, um, you know that just brings a smile to everyone's face. And in doing so, um, I've watched Joey essentially uh sense that things aren't 100%. So, you know, when invited, he'll he'll be up on somebody's lap, uh burrowing in next to them, and and just he's he'll eat it up and and he loves it and knows that um I think that he knows he's helping people out. Annie's a big fan of just being standing next to somebody and putting her head up against somebody's leg, saying, it's okay, I'm here. And the minute that somebody, uh automatic human reflexes to pet that animal. And the minute that they do, um, there's some solace there. Everything everything is right in the world. And regardless if it's the worst day of you know the person's life or what have you, they uh they're they're bringing comfort and you know, changing that atmosphere.

SPEAKER_01:
5:17

Oh, definitely, especially those little ones. Uh oh. Well, even the the golden doodles, those those are really they're really cool dogs. Is there one particular moment that might have stand that stands out that you saw that the dog really made a difference for someone who was grieving?

SPEAKER_00:
5:31

So a couple ones, a couple times, but uh one that that stands out the most is um Joey came in to a visitation and it was uh we we had um they're usually on leash um just till you know people get comfortable with them. And uh Joey landed up um, as I just mentioned, was invited to jump up on the lap of one of the grandchildren. And um so Joey did that, and he stayed with the granddaughter for the entire visitation. Um at one point, um I I saw that she was carrying Joey around, and I said, Wow, this is really, really making a huge difference. One of the things that cracks me up, um our funeral homes are in somewhat smaller communities. So I'll be at the grocery store or I'll be at a dinner or something along those lines, and people will say to me, How's Annie doing? You know, they won't ask about me, my wife, or our children. They'll turn around and ask about the dogs. So they are making an impact, and it's it's really uh a very positive thing.

SPEAKER_01:
6:46

Oh, I would think so. Uh definitely I would think so. Why do you think that the animal, especially the dogs, are comforting in moments of loss?

SPEAKER_00:
6:57

So the the dogs themselves, um Joey, as I mentioned, takes great joy in just being a snuggler. He'll uh he'll eat that up just because of the fact that he loves to snuggle and be, you know, make new friends. Um Annie, uh, she essentially loves to uh play, but she knows when we put her vest on, her therapy dog vest, she knows that she's going to work. So she knows um, you know, when it's time to uh throw the ball down the hall, or she knows when it's time to go in and provide help. And it's it's really amazing um how they know the difference. They really do. We go home, take the vests off, and they're just themselves. When I put the vests on them and the leashes, they know, all right, it's time to go to work. We're going to work, whether it's at the funeral home or if we visit another location outside of the funeral home.

SPEAKER_01:
7:54

They are really very, very intuitive. Have you ever had a situation where, you know, I know not everybody are animal lovers. Uh, like, has there ever been a situation where somebody didn't want them or that the the dogs won the people over?

SPEAKER_00:
8:07

Yeah. Believe it or not, there were two instances over the last six, seven years uh that uh well maybe maybe we'll say five years, but there's only been two instances where um somebody said, Well, my my you know, uh so-and-so is allergic to you know, pet dander or what have you. And I just kind of removed the dogs from the area. Um we have kind of uh in our offices, we have beds for them to go and relax and unwind. So um they know when we take their breaks, even if they are at the funeral home, we usually give them a break after 15 minutes because it can be a lot for them with people surrounding them or loving on them. We want to make sure that they get a little bit of a breather, water break, that sort of thing. So um just to remove them from that area and bring them into our office, um, they don't know that anything's wrong. They just think they're taking an extended break. And again, it's only happened twice where people have said, you know, thanks, but no thanks. So um, but we find that a majority of the time that uh people are animal lovers and they love the fact that there's an opportunity to release some of that to a therapy dog.

SPEAKER_01:
9:23

Oh, I would, yeah, I I would think it was great. Uh are there any are there have there been any certain types of situations where the presence of the therapy dog seem especially helpful?

SPEAKER_00:
9:35

So uh uh like I mentioned before with uh Joey sitting on somebody's lap, um, I had uh a friend of mine who passed away. His name was Frank, and and Frank and his wife uh also had a golden doodle. And I didn't really put two and two together right away. Um, but everybody thought that I was walking around with Frank's dog at Frank's wake. Uh Frank had a terminal illness that, you know, we mapped some things out ahead of time and pre-planning. And in the aspect of that, um, you know, he again was one of those people in the community that was asking about my Annie because his dog looked very similar. Um, but people loved the fact that uh they thought that I was walking around with Frank's dog at Frank's wake. And um it was comical when I would explain, no, this is Annie, this is our dog, she's a therapy dog. And uh they said, well, we didn't, you know, we thought it was kind of strange that Frank's dog was so calm. Uh this dog is very calm in the demeanors night and day, from what we remember about Frank's dog. But uh that was kind of a ha ha moment. But we uh we were able to uh ensure that you know there was that memory of um you know the positive aspect of a therapy dog being in the mix and um with everybody thinking it was Frank's dog.

SPEAKER_01:
11:01

Yeah, I could see that. Yeah, and especially if I come from a dog family, so everybody would love dogs. We would all be like we'd have them all over the place. They probably be fighting over the therapy dogs. Uh uh Do you think do you feel like therapy dogs help people express the emotions that they otherwise might hold in?

SPEAKER_00:
11:22

They do. And I am um I'm a retired career firefighter, and I'm also uh a member of a volunteer department in my town that I live in. Um and I've brought both Joey and Annie into the firehouses uh after tough calls. And the aspect of that is that de-escalation that I talked about. Um people are not willing to usually open up and talk about uh stuff. And essentially when the dog's there, they feel more at home, they feel more comfortable, and they can share, have uh feel a safe place, a safe space, and be able to open up. So I think the dogs help in that aspect too with that de-escalation.

SPEAKER_01:
12:07

Does it take a long time for the dogs to become a therapy dog?

SPEAKER_00:
12:11

So it did because we did it um, it was partially um in beginning of COVID. Uh, so we were finishing up in the beginning of COVID. And the aspect of that we had um, you know, it took a little bit longer in that aspect, but we had uh three weeks where the two dogs went off to um essentially camp, as we referred to it, where they went and lived with the trainer, and the trainer uh whipped them into shape and basically came back to us and we did uh the trainer trained us with the dogs. So the dogs were very happy to be home, as you can imagine. But um we spent another three or four months after that ensuring that uh we were doing right as far as the training is concerned and the obedience aspect of that. And then from that point moving forward, uh there's a recertification product process every two years that we go through. My wife and I, when I say we, my wife and I go through that is the dog's handlers.

SPEAKER_01:
13:16

Oh, okay. All right. Is there any particular dogs that are more inclined to therapy dog, or is it just really the dog's personality?

SPEAKER_00:
13:25

I think you're right. It's the personality and the temperament of the dog. Um, you know, you can attest to the fact most likely that not every dog would be a perfect therapy dog. And uh I never in a million years would have thought that the Joey would have been as great as he is, but he's phenomenal. He's a he's a little rock star, and and as is Annie. And um, you know, Annie was brought into our lives, and we were fortunate enough to to have two phenomenal dogs. Uh, our previous um dog that we had, his name was Hollister, and Hollister was a rescue, and Hollister um would be the last thing from being a good therapy dog. Uh, but he was Hollister was wonderful for our family, but wouldn't be good for uh bringing into the funeral home or even attempting to have certified as a therapy dog.

SPEAKER_01:
14:17

That yeah, that's true. I mean, I know certain uh breeds come to mind, but then uh like you said, every every dog has a different personality, so they wouldn't outfit it.

SPEAKER_00:
14:27

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01:
14:28

Well, obviously you're in a very emotional uh uh profession. What keeps you grounded in your profession?

SPEAKER_00:
14:35

Well, uh communication with my wife. Uh we communicate a lot at work, uh, meaning not just myself with my wife or my daughter who works at the funeral home, but I'll communicate with my son and kind of let everything out. Uh, there's times where we'll finish up a day here and just want to go home. I mean, there was one particular Christmas that uh as the holiday approached, it was very difficult. My wife and I were supposed to go someplace, and I called up and I said, I just want to be home on the couch with the kids. That's essentially what I want to do. Um, communication is key, and then uh ensuring that we're able to unwind for a little bit, uh, essentially just being around with loved ones and and friends and being able to have conversations. So uh a lot falls in line. I'm a big communicator, as you can tell, and I think it's important just to share what you're feeling, and you have to have that right person in your life in order to do that. But that's what uh what helps me. And and my father told me a long, long time ago. My father, who's fortunately still with us, he is uh 55 years in the profession. I bought the funeral home from him uh about a decade ago. And in the process, he told me the minute that you don't have any empathy, it's time to find another career. So I talk about that on a regular basis because I think it's important for everybody around me, not just our licensed funeral staff, but the part-time professionals that assist us to ensure that everyone has that same level of empathy. So as long as that's there, we're doing right by the families that we serve. And that's what helps us uh day in and day out.

SPEAKER_01:
16:25

Well, that yeah, that's a good piece of advice. If you don't have empathy, then that's probably not the profession for you to be in. That's right. Yeah, for sure. Have you noticed that any other like funeral homes or different states are starting to use the therapy dogs?

SPEAKER_00:
16:40

So I I know there are a few, um, not so many in my area, but there are other. Um every year we have a gathering, an annual uh convention, and uh there's an exposition area where we can showcase some some new ideas and things like that in the profession. And for the last uh, I don't know, umpteen years, we've had um uh folks come in and show the value of therapy dogs. So we see that that's um it's not just a simple trend, it's something that is proven valuable. I mean, I'm I'm proof right there that things are working, but um the aspect of therapy dogs I think is growing in the profession when people find that uh, you know, this is this is a great thing to have and a great resource to have. Not to mention, um, these guys come home with me. And I I reap the benefits of of having them live with me and go to bed, wake up, they're there. And it's it's uh it's a huge benefit to have those as part of my life. So even if I'm not at work and I and I'm not having the best of days, I have two built-in therapy dogs. I have live-in therapy dogs, you know, additional roommates. But so they're they're just uh it's a huge benefit to our profession. And I would say that um anybody that has the opportunity to have a dog, a certified therapy dog, to be able to come into their workspace and be able to take that animal home with them, that's huge.

SPEAKER_01:
18:15

Oh, I would say so. Yes, definitely. So, what resources are available from the NFDA and Remembering a Life for people to learn more about the therapy dogs in funeral homes and how they provide grief support?

SPEAKER_00:
18:29

So you said it right there, remembering a life.com. I can't stress that enough. Remembering a life.com. Remembering a life.com is um a website that is a consumer-based website so that consumers can go on there and find pretty much soup to nuts about our profession. Uh, they can find resources as to how to start conversations if they feel as though that somebody is declining in health and they need to start a conversation. Um, they can learn about therapy dogs. There's a they can even go as far as to find a funeral home. There's uh it's basically it's a wonderful website that was established years ago by the Funeral Service Foundation, which is an arm of NFDA. Um basically, the Funeral Service Foundation does a lot for the education and benefit of the funeral profession while educating the consumer so that um the average Joe can go on remembering a life.com, not only learn about therapy dogs, but anything even remotely related to funerals can be found on remembering a life.com.

SPEAKER_01:
19:39

That's a that's an excellent resource. I'll make sure I put it on in my show notes as well. Is there any is there any other like advice or things you would like people to know, even just about planning a funeral or things like that?

SPEAKER_00:
19:52

Well, the idea is that our profession um is a unique one, and I I think uh there's a lot that you can. Do to educate yourself. You want to ensure that you're meeting with a licensed professional to map these things out. There's a million different ways to go about it, starting with that website that I mentioned, rememberinglife.com. You can get some of that education there. But meeting, just having a casual conversation with a licensed funeral director, any one of our National Funeral Director Association members will be more than happy to sit down, have that casual conversation. They could simply jot down some wants or wishes, or even outline some of the things that people don't want to do or don't want to have. In this way they can get some foundation or a base as to what an individual wants. I've had many people simply come up to me, let's say the grocery store, and say, just remember, this is what I want. And my response is not necessarily a canned response, but it's, listen, we really should sit down, whether it's in your home at your kitchen table, or having you come into the funeral home, but we should sit down and jot some things down. I've had plenty of people tell their family members, don't worry about a thing. I've got it all mapped out. Dan Ford knows exactly what I want and what I don't want. Well, that sometimes is the case because I've had the luxury of going to that person's home and mapping things out. And I have a tangible file at the funeral home that spells out those wants and wishes. The worst thing that we see in our profession and have to deal with is when a family comes in under duress and nothing has been talked about. No one has any idea what their loved one would have wanted, what they didn't want, those types of things. So that makes it very difficult for us to try and say, okay, well, let's dive in and let's talk about the type of person that they were or what they liked, what they didn't like. Um, I use my own mother as the example. And my mother and I um had a very open and honest conversation. The last six months of her life were very difficult. And uh we talked about it on a regular basis. And two weeks before she passed, she said to me, I don't want to be buried in the family plot. And I said, Mom, what are you talking about? And um she pointed up to the sky, and I thought it might have been the medication that was affecting her, but she was fully cognizant and said to me, Dan, I want to go in the mausoleum up in Calvary Cemetery. I know they have a beautiful mausoleum. That's what I want to go in. And um so that's what we did. But if we didn't have that conversation, she would have gone in the family plot, a place that she didn't want to go. So that all circles back to communication. That's why I'm so big on communication for all aspects of what I do day in and day out. Um, but again, it's important to not just let everybody know uh family-wise, and some people aren't comfortable having that conversation. But if you sit down with a licensed funeral director, uh they could map everything out for you with ease.

SPEAKER_01:
23:08

Oh, definitely, because uh with my mom, before she had even my mom had dementia, but before she even got sick, uh I came over one day and she was like, Come here, and she on her bed, she had all these CDs lined out and she had little notes on all the CDs and she's like, These are the songs I want played when I die. And I'm like, mom, she's like, you need she's like, you need to know these things. You know, uh, she used to joke that she was gonna have uh that her wake was only gonna be by invitation only uh and stuff. And then she ended up she later on she was like, you know, she she was cremated and and she said that she she said you could have people talk, give talk about have funny stories. She's like, do whatever you want with the ashes, I don't care, put them in a peaceful place. But like she kind of had told me, you know, kind of what she wanted, and it was very helpful because when it happened, I knew what she wanted.

SPEAKER_00:
24:01

It's huge. Yeah, you knew you didn't have to guess.

SPEAKER_01:
24:04

Yeah, so I would definitely say that is a big important thing that I I know it's an uncomfortable conversation, but it just makes it makes it easier because you're very stressed and you're in a fog when it actually happens.

SPEAKER_00:
24:17

Right. With it. Yeah, absolutely. And and you have typically when someone passes away, there's over a hundred questions that have to be answered, you know, typically uh within 24 to 48 hours. So to try and balance all of those different questions and figure out the answers to those, um, pre-planning is such a valuable tool.

SPEAKER_01:
24:38

Yeah, it really is, you know, and unfortunately you never know when you're gonna when you're gonna need it. But just having the idea of what who that person is and what they would like. And there's so many different things that you can do.

SPEAKER_00:
24:51

You don't always have to do what you know is and I know I do this day in and day out, but at 51 years old, um, for the past 11 years, there's been a folder in our pre-arrangement area that has my name on it with my wants and wishes. So uh I practice what I preach and it truly is an outline. And I go in periodically and update it because there's some things that get outdated, but it's important to make sure that um everything's documented and there's no questions.

SPEAKER_01:
25:25

No, it really is. It really is very important uh with that because unfortunately, when you're talking about caregiving and any type of you know illness or stuff like that, and it comes to the grief, it it does help. You can get on autopilot because you are grieving and you can't always make all those decisions. And you're right, in the first 24, 48 hours you you you you don't even remember everything that you have to do. Right. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:
25:51

Well, I love the fact that your mother had songs picked out. Yeah, I I think that's amazing. Yeah, that's that's absolutely beautiful.

SPEAKER_01:
25:59

Yeah, and I made sure they were played too.

SPEAKER_00:
26:01

I was like I was like, Yeah, have you have to, right?

SPEAKER_01:
26:05

Yeah, she had um she was a big Barry Manilo fan, so we had a lot of Barry Manilo. So I was like, Gotcha. I had to make sure they were played. I was like, okay, mom. She's like, you need to know these things. I was like, okay, you know. Um but she was very comfortable talking about those types of things because unfortunately she had a lot of loss in her life, so she she she knew it was important and she wanted to make sure that things were done the way she wanted it. And so that that stuff's important uh with it.

SPEAKER_00:
26:33

Well, there's a there's a lot of parallels between your story and mine here, and I can I can say with certainty that uh you gotta make sure that those things are tackled.

SPEAKER_01:
26:42

Definitely. And I would say if if we would have had a therapy dog there, that would have been even better. But you know, that that was okay for it. Well, thank you so much for joining us today.

SPEAKER_00:
26:52

I well, thanks for having me. I appreciate it.

SPEAKER_01:
26:55

I really enjoyed the conversation. Hopefully, our listeners will. So um uh I'll let you know when it gets posted onto the uh onto the podcast. Uh appreciate that. So we'll know. So hopefully our listeners have enjoyed this conversation and you have found some comfort with all these different topics and that.

SPEAKER_00:
27:14

So I certainly hope it helps.

SPEAKER_01:
27:16

I hope so too. So hopefully everyone enjoyed their cup of tea, their cup of coffee, or their glass of wine if it was a really bad day. And hopefully, we will see you next time on Patty's Play.

SPEAKER_00:
0:00

Welcome to Patty's Place, a place where we talk about grief, dementia, and caregiving, a place where you find some comfort during this difficult time. So pull up a cup of tea, a cup of coffee, or if you're having a really bad day, a glass of wine, and we will talk. I thought today we would talk a little bit more about the holidays. Because, you know, as you get together with everybody, you start to notice things that you might not have noticed before with your family members. And people will start asking and talking, you know. So I thought we would talk about, I got this from the Alzheimer's Association website, which they are awesome with resources if you're looking for things and you're not really sure about it. So they have 10 signs to ask yourself, is this just normal aging, normal memory, or is this something more serious? So you might notice, think about the first one you want to ask is what changes are in their memory, thinking, or behavior do you see? So think about this. Like what is the person doing that's not out of that that's out of the ordinary? You know, what is that? And what else, you need to ask yourself, what else could be going on? Meaning there could be some conditions. Uh, there could be a course change in their memory or their thinking or behavior. What are some of the lifestyles or health issues that might be going on? It could also be something else. You know, maybe you need to include, are they going through some family stress? Is there an underlying health issue? A lot of times with older people, if they get urinary tract infections, it actually causes them to have a lot of s symptoms that are similar to dementia with the memory and even hallucinations and things. So those are things you want to think about. Maybe it could be the onset of diabetes, or maybe it's depression. So maybe the first thing you do is maybe you have them go get a physical and make sure it's nothing that isn't a physical reason. So you also need to learn about the signs and ask other in other dementia. Look, think about the signs and symptoms of it and why it might be important for an early diagnosis. And you also need to know why it's important and ask yourself what's causing the change? And did you notice any of the signs and what are they? So, like I said, they have the ten signs that you should ask about. So here are things that you can look for. So obviously the first thing that people look for and they think, oh my god, it's Alzheimer's, it's dementia is memory loss. So it would be memory loss that disrupts daily life. So obviously the most common sign is forgetfulness, like they forgot important dates, or they forget somebody's name, or they forgot that they made plans. So, or they might ask the same question over and over and over again. So, how do you know if this is this the beginning of dementia, or is this just normal aging? So, typical age-related change would be that you might forget something, but then you remember it later. If it's the beginning of dementia, they never really remember it, and they'll ask over and over again, and they really don't remember, oh, we were supposed to meet, or those types of things. So that's what you need to kind of look for. Like, did they forget, but they remembered later on? So that kind of a thing. So another one might be they might begin to have challenges in planning or solving problems. Uh they may experience changes in their ability to develop or follow a plan or work with numbers. Now that kind of and that one makes me laugh a little bit because some people just aren't good with numbers. Like I'm not good with numbers. My mom was never good with numbers. So like it has to be something a little bit more than just that. Like they have trouble keeping track of their bills anymore, or they can't follow a recipe, that type of a thing when you're looking at numbers, especially if it was somebody like my mom. She was an excellent baker, and then she had trouble cooking after that. So you have to look at it like that. What are the challenges that they have in planning or solving a problem or following, even following, say, a simple movie, like the Hallmark movies? I mean, who can't follow voles, like that type of a thing. So what is and they have difficult concentrating. Like my mom always loved to read, and she couldn't read anymore because she couldn't follow the story. So a typical age-related would be that, you know, you might forget here or there, you made an error on your bill or something like that, but then you remember and you fix it. When it's the beginning of dementia, they never realize they made that mistake. So another sign is that they have difficulty with complex tasks. Uh so people might have memory changes, uh, they forget uh like complete daily tasks, like they might forget how to drive somewhere. That that's a really common one, like they get lost. I think that's happened to my mom, even though she never admitted it. My dad, they had bought a new car uh at one point, and my mom just threw a fit after my dad bought the car, and she said it was too big and she couldn't maneuver it and all this. And she was there with them when they bought the car. I think she might have got lost. Even though she was never good at she never liked to drive and she never drove far, I think that was how she just decided she wouldn't drive. Um I don't know for sure, but that's kind of when I look back. So maybe they got they get lost grocery shopping or they can't remember where where they are, or like I said, they get turned around somewhere familiar with it. So that would be a dementia change. If typical aging is that, you know, sometimes you just need help, or you know, you forgot how to record the TV, you know. Although sometimes it's kind of funny because you just maybe you're just not familiar with that particular technology, and then you ask like a 10-year-old and they could figure it out. So it's something simple like that, where that's just age related with it. But when it's dementia, it's something simple, like a place that you drive to all the time, the grocery store, and you get lost, or you can't figure out where you were. Uh I think this also happened to my mom. We used to shop all the time, and she got turned around. Like I we were in the store, and normally she'd go to her section, I'd go to my section, and I turned around and she was right there by me, and I think she was nervous that she didn't know where she was, so she needed me as the anchor. That's what they're talking about with that type of a thing. So another sign that it could be dementia is that they get confused with time or place. Like they lose track of dates, seasons, passage of time with it, and and they may have trouble understanding uh something that's not happening immediately with it. So they may forget where they are or how they got there. Like they don't know that it's Christmas time coming or it's the holidays, or you know, they just they lose track of it. They don't know where they are. Now, a normal thing would be like if you're retired, all the days seem the same, right? Because y you don't have to necessarily get up at a certain time. So typical would be that maybe you get confused about the day of the week and then you figure it out. It would be like, you know, how sometimes you wake up and you think, oh, it's Friday, and then you're like, oh, wait a minute, no, it's only Wednesday. That's typical aging. But with dementia, they get very confused. They don't know what their time is, they don't know what the place, and everything is immediate. They can't think about if you say, oh, I'll see you next Tuesday, they don't they don't know what that means. Another thing is that they may have trouble understanding images and spatial relationships. This one makes me laugh too, because some people are just good at this and some people are not. Like I'm not good with spatial relationships. Uh so they might also have vision changes and they could lead to difficulty with balance or trouble reading. Like I said, my mom wasn't able to read anymore. Or like they just look like they're off balance. They have they have difficulty with it, and they have a hard time judging distance and determining maybe color or contrast, and that causes the issues with driving too. Plus, they may get confused over where they are. So that's the other thing you have to look at with the driving for it. You know, because when you think about it, you you've been driving for so long, it becomes natural. But as you get older, in and if this is really happening to you, think about how overwhelming it could be where you see all these visual images and maybe your vision is changing, uh, or then when you get out, it you have your balance is off and that, or you you have to you can't comprehend what the street signs are saying. That's leading that could be dementia. Something that's a typical age-related thing is that your vision changes, but it could be related to cataracts, or you just need a new prescription in your glasses. That's normal for it. It's more than just that they can't see anymore with it. They can't understand where they're going, they don't know where they're going anymore, even if it's places that they've been to their entire life. So another thing might be that all of a sudden you notice they have new problems with words or speaking or writing. So they may have trouble following or joining a conversation. I noticed this a lot with my mom. She would sit there and she didn't really know what we were saying. She couldn't follow. Or if we were in a restaurant, she really couldn't read the menu anymore, and she'd just be like, Oh, that sounds good, I'll have what you're having. Um and they they may stop in the middle of a conversation and they they really have no idea what you're talking about and they don't know how to continue. Uh and they may repeat themselves over and over again. They may be saying the same story, and you'd think to yourself, she just said this, or he just said this five minutes ago. And they also may struggle with vocabulary, like they have trouble naming something familiar, or they'll come up with a crazy name for a new object. Uh I remember my mom had this cookie and she had it sitting out, like she thought it was a decoration for Christmas, and I was like, Mom, this is a cookie, and she's like, That's not a cookie. And I was like, Oh, okay. And so a typical, if it's typical aging, do you ever just have sometimes where you're like, you j oh, you just can't find that right word. It's right on the tip of your your tongue, and then it comes back to you. That's normal aging. But with dementia, with this, it never does for them. They they never figure it out. They they're they're lost in the conversation. So then they just become quiet and they sit there because they really have no idea what's going on, and you can kind of see it on their faces with it. So another thing might be that they misplace things and they lose the ability to retrace their steps. Uh they may put things in very unusual places. Uh they may lose things and be unable to find it and they can't figure out where it was. And then as the as dementia progresses, they typically will accuse people of stealing, stealing the item or stealing their money as it progresses. My mom said that. She thought my dad was stealing her money. He wasn't, but it's very common for dementia patients to think people are stealing their money, their possessions with it. So it and my mom hid things in the craziest places when when we had to move her to memory care and we were cleaning out the house, we found stuff in her drawers. It it was almost kind of comical. Like it was crazy. And like her cell phone. My dad, he found it. It was in a it was wrapped up in a sock in the back of a box in the back of a cabinet. You know, so it's things like that. So typical aging is that you misplace something, but you're able to retrace your steps and find it with it. That that's typical aging. I mean, we've all done that, right? And then we're like, oh my god, it's right there in front of me. That's not dementia, that's just typical aging. So another sign might be it's a decrease of poor judgment. So they may experience changes in their judgment or decision making, or they may use poor judgment when they're dealing with money, or they start to pay less attention to their grooming or their or they keeping themselves clean. Like my mom just started wearing the same clothes all the time. She was just you know, she just always wore the same clothes with it. It's that type of a thing. Like somebody who might have always been, you know, dressed a kill all the time and now they're not. They're just in sweatpants or something like that. And they just they don't make the right they they don't make good judgment anymore with it. Uh so uh a typical aging is that you might make a bad decision once in a while. I mean we all do that. That that's what that is. But with dementia, you just see uh you notice a complete difference with that. Like they don't look the same, they're not doing the same things, they they just it doesn't make sense in what they're doing. So another sign might be they start to withdraw from work or their social activities. They may experience changes in the ability to hold a whole conversation. Uh they may withdraw from their hobbies or social activities because they have trouble keeping up with them. Like I said, my mom used to love to read. She used to have a book in every room. Well, she didn't anymore because she couldn't follow with it. Uh they don't like to go out anymore. They like to stay safe in their house usually because that's where they're they're safe. That's where they can control what's going on with it. They don't usually like to go out, and when they do, they don't like to stay very long with it. So a typical thing is that, you know, hey, sometimes you just don't feel like going somewhere with it, and and you just you just don't want to. But then you end up going or you you be like, yeah, not this time, but next time. That's typical aging. Or you're like, oh, it's really, really cold, and you don't want you know, your older relatives to catch cold easier. So you that's why they stay in. But with dementia, they just don't want to go. They're scared to go. They want to be safe with it. That's normal. That's that's the difference between normal aging and dementia. And then the last one is that they have a change in their mood or personality. They may experience mood or personality changes. Like they become confused, suspicious, depressed, fearful, or anxious. They're easily upset uh at home or with their friends or their family, and and especially if they're out of their comfort zone, which is why they like then to stay home. Like the grocery store could overwhelm them. They could get upset. So what they do is is then they blame that person and they say, Well, well, you're just upsetting me, or fine, then you just go do it. Like that's what my mom would do with the grocery store. She just didn't want to go anymore. So she'd be like, Well, fine, she'd tell my dad, you just go. But really, she was scared because it was overwhelming to her with it. So a typical aging is that you develop very, you know, very specific ways of doing something, and you might get irritated or annoyed when you can't do it the way you want to do it, or it's disrupted. But you you do it and you go along with it. But for a person with dementia, it's too much. They can't handle it. So as you go into these holidays, you know, this is when sometimes you see things and you you think about these things with people. These are things you should think about and recognize with your family members. You know, are they experiencing these symptoms or are they starting to s experience some of these different ones? And then the challenge becomes is what do you do and how do you get them tested? Are they willing to be tested? I mean, on one hand you get them tested and they could get the diagnosis, but unfortunately, there's just not a whole lot they can do for a person with dementia. But at least you know what you're dealing with and you can get resources and things like that. So that's what you need to look at. And it is a very difficult conversation to have, uh, not only with the person that has dementia, but also your family members, because some family members are not going to want to accept it. So as you go into these holiday system, this holiday season, you need to ask yourself these questions and look at these symptoms to see are they really doing it or is it just normal aging for it? And then you need to start to figure out what is it that you do for it. So I hope this was helpful with it. You know, it's not the it's not the most mirious thing to talk about, but as like I said, as you get together with family, that's sometimes when you notice it. That's when a lot of family members came up to me with my mom and asking me different questions about what was going on with her. So and again, the Al Thomas Association website is a wonderful website. They have wonderful resources that you can go back and look and print out things and and take with you to the doctors and things like that. So I hope this was helpful for you today. Uh and again, if there are things you'd love for me to talk about, I'd be happy to uh to talk about anything or repeat different items and things like that. You can always reach me at my email, which is L-I-S-M-A-R-93 at yahoo.com. So I hope this helped. So I hope you enjoyed your tea or your coffee or your glass of wine, and I will join you again next time on Patty's Place.